My mother who I care for is refusing to eat & is restricting her fluid intake as she wants her life to end. My sister has informed her doctor who says there is nothing he can do until she gets ill. My mother refuses to see the doctor & constantly blames my sister & I for not respecting her wishes in wanting to die when we try to encourage her to eat & drink. Advice please..
this sounds kind of negative or defeatist but it is often the reality of end of life.
I had to give her bed baths and clean her up regularly. I found a wonderful GP who actually did house calls. She dropped in every week to see how my Mom was doing. Things were getting so dire that the doctor recommended a feeding tube. The doctor worked with me to arrange Visiting Nurse Service during the week. The diagnosis: Infant Failure to Thrive.
The doctor discussed various options with me but said I may want to consider palliative care in the event my mother did not improve. After another week of "no progress," social services were in the process of setting up regular visits by a chaplain, counselor, and others to help me and and husband care for her in the event palliative care was needed.
A few days before the decision was made to regarding the feeding tube, my Mom woke up, got dressed, came downstairs for breakfast and was in great spirits. My husband and I were shocked but incredibly relieved. It turns out that medications, if they work, can take a while to do what they are meant to do. My mother's extreme mood swings improved, she was no longer violent or having fits of rage. She became much easier to deal with, although she still had her moments when it came to getting in the shower?
So if your Mom is on any kind of medication, I'd find out if the meds are in any way linked to what she's experiencing. It is very frightening. My prayers are with you.
Against my mums wishes we called the doctor, he put her on Anti-depressants like many of you suggested & although they seem to have brought dementia on she has started eating & drinking again. We are struggling to cope but while ever we can we will & now she is eating n drinking again we can only hope for improvement. Thank you again everyone for your thoughts & advice , greatly appreciated, hugs to you all & a big up for carers alike x
She will eventually die from starvation but as long as she is drinking even a few ounces a day it can take several weeks. You will be amazed especially if she has a good fat reserve. Is she actually approaching the end of her life now? if she has a terminal illness call in hospice and they will offer you support and advice. Is there a DNR and HCP in effect and are you prepared to honor her wishes. Please give us some more details, there is no simple answer, but from what you have said I believe you should honor her wishes and make whatever time she has left full of good memories for those who will be left behind. Do you really want to see your mother in a hospital be being force fed? It is not a pleasant experience for anyone.
Mum is approaching 89 & yes I appreciate how she feels & that her life is probable coming to an end. The problem is right as you pointed out I don`t want to see her in a hospice/hospital, I just don`t want to see her get ill thought that may be inevitable. I do respect that she has had enough, but what makes it harder is that she is perfectly fit & healthy {well, until the starvation came in to effect} she is on no medication,my sister & I care for her in her own home preventing her from going into a home,she has 2 other sons that visit regular. It is just simply a case of her wanting to die & selfishly we don`t want her to but more important we don` t want to see her wither away & get ill as she was only a little fail old woman to start with. Thanks again for you input, greatly appreciated.
There's probably nothing to do, but I have two suggestions. First, what helped my father was pain pills. The VA nurse said, "Give him two. He will fall asleep, and when he wakes up, he will have forgotten about it." Your dad probably has a level of pain that he doesn't quite notice, but it gets him down.
Second, cook a really delicious meal that smells wonderful, something he always used to like. Or homemade bread. If you don't do that, you can buy dough at the market or at the pizza shop. If the smell of that doesn't tempt him, he may be too far gone.
Ask his doctor for a hospice "assessment." His expected life is probably more than 6 months, but he is showing "failure to thrive," and they might have useful ideas to make him more comfortable.
God bless you both.
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