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My Dad passed away tonight, and I am in bits because we had left the nursing home just 20 mins before. He seemed settled, and I thought he had a day or 2 left, but I got the call in car and feel so guilty. I wish the nurse could have been a bit more specific as to how long he realistically had left, because I would have stayed.

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Thank you so much for all your kind words and advice. The nursing home manager said the same thing, that they often wait until loved ones have left. Even though he had been very ill for a long time, it was still a shock that he plummeted in just a few hours. X
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Reply to NICOLETTE42
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When my husband was dying, I purposely told him when I was running an errand to give him the opportunity to go without me if he was ready(the friend that stayed with him was a nurse and totally comfortable with the situation). He died a couple days later with me at his side, but with my dad, we got the telephone call an hour or two after I had left him. I truly believe as others have said, that people often choose their time. I hope that you release this guilt, there’s no reason whatsoever to punish yourself.
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Reply to MidwestOT
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Double post, this website is just wonky sometimes.
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Reply to MidwestOT
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My mom was in hospice only a few days and had someone with her pretty much 24/7. It was my shift and I had some lunch delivered to the front desk -- I was gone about five minutes -- and when I came back to the room, the nurse told me she'd just checked on her and she was gone. I'd heard many stories like this, and the nurse said she sees it often with moms who don't want to die in front of their kids, but I couldn't believe it happened in our case. (My mother was not a stoic.) It's funny because when I was standing out there waiting for DoorDash, one of the double doors blew open and then closed again for no reason, and now I think it was my mother saying, Gotta go!

Anyway, I guess this is just to say that we thought she had round-the-clock care and she still managed to be alone when she actually died. Having been through that experience with her, I really do believe what I've heard about dying being work, the way labor is, and something every person ultimately does alone, even with loved ones right there at your bedside. If that makes any sense.
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Reply to LousyDaughter
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LousyDaughter Feb 24, 2025
Sorry, let me add -- when I say everyone does it alone, I don't mean that as doom and gloom, I'm just saying I think everybody negotiates it in their own way.
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Ever think he may have wanted to spare you, because it would hurt you?

If you were just there 20 minutes earlier, how can you possibly feel guilty?
You didn't cause it, nor had any control over it. Of course if you KNEW the exact time, you would have stayed. You came in awful close to me. You did good.
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Reply to Dawn88
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I’m sorry for your loss. I was not present when my mom died in a nursing home as she had a long dying process and it became, as it often does, impossible to predict. I was present for my dad’s death in his home, holding his hand as he left this world. I’m convinced it didn’t matter either way. Dying of old age issues is a solo journey and awareness is gone way before the body is. Our hospice nurse told me the day before my dad died that I needed to know he was already gone, but his body hadn’t quite gotten the message yet. It was so true. Please don’t waste energy beating yourself up over this, your dad certainly knew your love. I wish you healing, peace, and comfort of good memories
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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That is what they do, my father waited until I went to the lady's room. No reason to feel guilty.

So sorry for your loss.
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Reply to MeDolly
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My grandmother did exactly this. Family would take shifts sitting with her. The one time there where 20 minutes of no family in the room, she let go.

You didn’t fail your dad! He loved you so much that he made sure you wouldn’t watch his death. This really was a gift to you. I promise.
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Reply to LoopyLoo
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Dawn88 Feb 24, 2025
I agree with this.
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This is pretty much what happened to me. We knew Mom was dying so everyone got called. My nephew relies on me to drive him places because of his disabilities. I took him to go visit Mom. We left at 1:30. We went shopping for funeral clothes for him, then dropped him off. Heading home I got a call, Mom had passed. When I received her death certificate, she had been pronounced at 1: 50. 20 min after we left. Later the nurse asked if nephew had been the last person who needed to visit. I said yes. She said they do that. They wait for that last person and then let go.

It happens, the pass after everyone leaves, my sister did it to. We all had just got home from visiting her when Dad called and said she had passed.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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If your dad would have wanted you to be there when he took his last breath he would have waited until you returned. But he didn't. He got to die on his own terms and you now must be at peace with that.
Dying when loved ones leave is so very common that you have nothing to feel guilty about, as you did nothing wrong.
What you're feeling now is grief, not guilt, so please call it by the right word as that will help you better move forward.
You say that your dad was "settled" when you left which means that he got to die settled and in peace. You really can't ask for more than that.
I'm sorry for your loss.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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I'm sorry for your loss.

Mom passed 5 minutes after I left. I was driving down the road when I got the call from the RN.

I find comfort in knowing that Mom did not struggle and passed peacefully. I also find comfort in knowing I was with Mom for the long haul.
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Reply to brandee
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The dying do that. They wait for their loved ones to leave and then they pass. My friend is a hospice doctor and she says it happens all the time.

My dad died in his sleep so I wasn’t there and didn’t get to say goodbye. It is what it is.
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Reply to Bulldog54321
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Hospice staff will tell you that many patients hang on until their family members leave the room, and then let go. It truly is very common. Some of them even hold on until after a major holiday or event because they don't want their families to have the sad association between the two. Your dad probably wanted it that way, so although it's not what you wanted, take comfort in the fact that he did it his way out of consideration for you, because he loved you.
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Reply to MG8522
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I would say that dad did not want you there and waited to exit this world until you left.

No one can say when a patient will die, please do not dwell on this.

I pray that you receive grieving mercies, comfort and peace during this difficult time. I do believe that some people do not want the last memory of them to be their death and they do wait for their loved ones to be out of the room.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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So sorry for your loss. It's not your fault that you couldn't have been there. If he remembered anything at all in the minutes before his death it's that you were there visiting him. If you belong to a church, synagogue, mosque, or temple reach out to the clergy there. There's really nothing they haven't heard before, including things like this. God bless you.
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Reply to swmckeown76
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