Grandpa lives in our home, but we need him to be moved. (Long post, kind of gross at times)

Also, you should be able to google and find out in your state who the heirs are and what percentage of the estate they get if someone dies intestate (no will)

If grandpa has a share in the estate it adds another level of complexity to getting Grandpa out of the house. It also means that unless the POA for Grandpa rescinds Grandpa's share then Grandpa's share ultimately flows down to Aunt and the POA )the brother.

Also--there may be some free legal services in your area. Look into them.

Brandy here,

I am very sorry for the loss of your Dad.

I am not a lawyer but I've settled several estates.

As co executor you are entitled to know the financial contents all of the assets in your Dad's name and in the estate's name. This includes checking accounts, saving accounts, investment accounts, vehicles etc. It also includes knowing how much equity is in the home and how much money is in each account. You are also entitled to know the debt in the estate.

The probate lawyer should work for both you and the Aunt as co executors.
They have a professional code of conduct and they should supply you with this information. It sounds like the situation is already bad with the family. Do you care if you set up an appointment with the probate lawyer and it gets back to the family? The probate lawyer bills the estate so you are not out of pocket. The probate lawyer works for the estate, both you and the Aunt. There may be some code of conduct in which the probate lawyer cannot tell Aunt you met.

If you choose to meet the lawyer I'd send an email in advance advising you would like to meet with him/her to discuss Dad's net worth, the estate debt and the equity in the estate the timeline to settle the estate and the lawyers projected fees.

The responsibility of a coexecutor is to settle an estate. You are as much of a decision maker as the Aunt. You pay off the taxes and debt that Dad has. Then the probate lawyer gets paid. Then the beneficiaries get paid from the rest.

Do you have any other siblings other than the half brother? If your Dad died intestate (no will) then the state law dictates what percentage of the estate to go to each beneficiary. YOU NEED TO FIND OUT IF GRANDPARENTS ARE BENEFICIARIES IN YOUR STATE AND WHAT PERCENT. The percent to each beneficiary is governed by state law. You could be looking at a scenario in which 40% goes to you, 40% goes to half brother and 20% to Grandpa. If Grandpa is a beneficiary according to state law, the POA can rescind Grandpa's portion. That would mean grandpa would get "0".

Two scenarios--

1st scenario--House is worth a lot of money and there is a lot of equity in the house. As an heir you can press for the sale of the house to settle the estate.
THIS IS DONE ALL OF THE TIME. The half brother (with Aunt acting as his guardian) and grandpa (if he has a stake) are offered to buy out your share of the house and take over the house for themself. If they cannot afford to buy your share the house gets listed in 30 days. House gets sold and monies eventually get divided up between the heirs when estate is settled. If you force the sale of the house it is up to POA to get housing for grandpa--it is not your problem.

Another scenario--You, wife and son move out and get your own apartment.
Give POA 30 days notice. Deciding what to do about Grandpa falls on the POA and I guess the Aunt, the busybody. Don't get involved on what to do with Grandpa. Moving out still keeps you on as Coexecutor and as an heir.

Grandpa has a daughter and also a son, the POA. Right now it sounds like you and your family are getting taken advantage of.

Find out what the estate is worth. You are entitled to know as coexecutor.
Prioritize what works best for your family. Step way back on what happens to Grandpa. The POA (grandpa's son) and Grandpa's daughter can figure out where Grandpa goes.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

Another update (sorry, I feel like now people are invested in this): I called our local elder services and gave them a brief description of what’s been going on, mostly what I’ve said here. They did contact APS, mostly to get an idea of how they’d feel, and as of right now APS does not feel that they have a direct case of abuse/neglect based on what I’ve said, but they are concerned and have asked me to follow up in the future. I was also given good resources to use for legal advice on the entire situation and other resources for grandpas care.

Following up here, how did you end up as co-executor with your aunt? That seems like an odd combination for your father to appoint. If you don't have the will, how do you even know that your aunt is legitimately a co-executor? Is she lying to you?

Sophiaa98, if you are co-executor of the will with your aunt, then she absolutely is required to give you a copy. You do not need another lawyer. The lawyer she has hired should have given you a copy of the will immediately, as co-executor. The lawyer gets paid out of the estate, not out of your pocket. You don't need another lawyer to review your case at your expense. You need to call the probate lawyer as soon as you read this and demand to be provided a copy of the will as the co-executor. You will see exactly what it says, and neither you nor your aunt can deviate from it. How long ago did your father pass away? (My condolences, if I haven't said that yet.) Apparently you and your aunt have not appeared in probate court to file the will? How did she end up with the will, rather than you? She absolutely cannot threaten you in any way over this. Just do the basic step of getting the will and seeing what it says and tell her the threats stop now.

I don't really understand the link to grandfather's estate? Does grandfather own the home?

I didn't understand if you rent or pay a mortgage. I'd move and tell the rest of the family you are moving. Give the family 1 months notice.

Thanks for following up.

Regarding your father's estate, there are laws that need to be followed and your aunt can't violate them. If your dad left a will, then the will needs to be followed exactly as written. If he did not leave a will, there are laws that instruct what happens then also. Your aunt does not get to manipulate the law. How is she threatening to do this?

Nothing is going to change unless you change it.

Your family doesn’t want to change anything because they have it real nice.

Call adult protective services and see if they can help you develop a plan to get him out of your house.

Edit to add clarity: Uncle is POA, the caregiver is my cousin, POA’s niece. The caregivers mom, my aunt, is not POA but is listed on my father’s estate along with myself. While she is not POA, my uncle consults her for care decisions, and she often makes the final call on his care.

we have had many conversations with the family regarding his care, or lack thereof, and our concerns. They often come off at first as sympathetic, but then shift gears when we ask what will be done. We originally had agreed to all meet as a family to discuss moving him to a care facility after the urine leaking into the basement incident. However, long story short, we temporarily rehomed our kitten as my aunt is “allergic”, so that she could come help provide care. She has been in our home maybe 3 times since rehoming our cat a month and a half ago. When we informed her that the temporary home could no longer keep our cat and that we would be bringing her home, we were very blatantly threatened by the aunt, saying that there would be manipulations made to my fathers estate regarding our home if we attempt to bring our cat back. Further more, we were also told that she has no intentions of moving grandpa out of our home despite his condition, and that she intends to keep him there under the same threats to my father’s estate. So, the family is very aware of the situation and intends on not making any changes to it.

I am very appreciative of the answers so far, they have given me options we did not know were available.

He is your grandfather, if anyone should be caring for him it should be his children.

This man needs to be placed in s facility. TT the POA and be clear that grandpa needs to be moved out of your home or you are calling APS.

If need be sell your home and move out, let the rest of them figure out what to do with the old man.

Your 5 yo should not be exposed to this nonsense. Stand up for you and your family.

You call APS and tell them the house is becoming unsafe for your child. There is a POA and his responsibility is towards your grandfather who needs more care than you are willing to give. That the aid is a joke. The POA needs to do their job and place your grandfather. If that does not work, I would consult with a lawyer.

He is living with you in your home, and it seems clear from what you say that he needs more care. He now needs several shifts of several people each to manage his daily activities.
I would call APS so that they can help you to intervene with his POA for his placement. You may have to go so far as to evict Grandfather from this home if the home is yours. Currently you have a man who has limited hygiene and you have a 5 year old present in your home.

I would try first to speak with the POA that you do not wish to nor intend to keep grandfather in your home. He can be placed, or can move in with other family, but he cannot stay with you. Let the POA know that you will be contacting APS to resolve all of this, and what amounts to his breach of fiduciary duty for this gentleman. Let the POA know that you will be, if APS cannot help in a conclusion here, evicting grandfather to the care of his POA. See an eviction attorney if this is necessary.

This sounds very entangled, but I fear your allowing him living with you is really causing his needs to be ignored by all, and enabling a bad situation to move toward worse.

First, get this idea that he is "self-sufficient" out of your familys' heads. That's issue number one. Your family has convinced themselves that, in spite of his abhorrent behavior, he can still live in a family type household. Clearly he is not self sufficient if he is doing all of these things you describe and needs the level of care that he is at.

It's time to have a "come to Jesus" meeting with your family members. Grandpa needs to be moved to a facility that can care for him. Period, end of discussion. This is not a subject that you should allow them to debate. If they don't agree, then tell them you're selling the family home and moving and will have no room for him, and ask who is going to take him in with them? I'll bet they see the light then.

Stand firm and don't back down. Grandpa will be better served in a care facility that has experienced workers who deal with dementia patients every day.

Seems your only real choice is to move. To not get a child out of this environment is cruel to the child. The cousin will figure out you’ve moved when she comes over to do the minimal caregiving. She and the POA will only figure out a new plan after you’re gone, there’s no incentive to do so while you’re there taking care of grandpa. I’m sorry you’re being unfairly used, it’s all too common, and pretty awful for grandpa as well. No one is winning in this mess. Please quietly make plans to move and do so as quickly as possible. I wish you peace

May I add, before you start making excuses of why nothing will work, that having your five-year-old live in such an environment is neglect. You don't mean it that way, but that is the reality. I know you are overwhelmed, but do you understand that this is traumatic for a child who doesn't understand why this is happening, and is helpless to do anything about it? What if someone reports the living conditions to Child Protective Services? I understand that your family is a bunch of bullies who don't care about you or your grandfather and that you are doing your best, but you absolutely need to stand up to them for the sake of your child.

I would tell uncle POA that your house will be fumigated, that you will be leaving while it is, and that grandpa will have to live with one of the. It may be a half fiblet but who cares?

Take him for a visit to your uncle who is POA. Once he's inside the house, say a quick goodbye and leave his packed bags (with medication, diapers, etc.) on the lawn or driveway. If other family members have keys or codes to your house (due to it having previously been your father's house, or your niece who is the "caregiver"), change the locks or codes before you do this.

Alternatively, you could do the above but don't go back to your house right away. Leave the house locked up (new keys/codes in place) so they can't return him there. Then go stay at a hotel or airbnb nearby for a week so you and your wife can still go to work and your child can go to school. But don't tell the family where you are or when you're coming back.

Tell your uncle and niece (is she his daughter?) that she can earn her pay by doing the "caregiving" at his house.

Refuse to answer any phone calls, texts or emails from any family members, other than to say, as often as necessary, "Uncle has Grandpa's POA, it is his responsibility to find a solution. Niece is being paid to take care of Grandpa for xx number of hours a week, she needs to do it in whichever home Grandpa is in, which is no longer ours."

I'm not kidding. Ignore the guilting. Why should you agree to have your family and your home wrecked just because others expect you to do it? Just say no.

It can be difficult to get an elder removed from their legal residence if they don’t live alone .

I know this sounds extreme , but if you and your family move out and he’s then living alone , APS could be called. Then he could be removed and placed in care .

Hopefully others here have more ideas .