my grandfather lives with me and my family in our home, that we assumed after my father unexpectedly passed away. He was self sufficient, but has quickly deteriorated over 3 years. He has severe dementia, sun downing and other cognitive issues. He is also unable to aim for the toilet, which leaves us with every day messes in the main floor bathroom that are a biohazard. He is quick to become agitated with others, refuses to shower or let anyone bathe him and often fights us on taking medications or going to the doctor.
my uncle is power of attorney and the whole family is supposed to be aiding in supporting him. My cousin was hired by a state elder care agency so that she could come take care of him during the day mon-fri. When she comes over, the most she does is make him take his meds. Otherwise she sleeps or just sits with him. She does not clean up after him, tend to his laundry or hygiene like the state facility said she would be expected to. The family is against putting him in a memory care home, but does the bare minimum of care for him, expecting me to pick up their slack while my wife and I work full time jobs, and have a 5 year old. They have been very malicious towards us despite my pleading with them to provide him alternative care since I am at my breaking point of trying to maintain my home while juggling his care, my work, and my family. I know for certain he is not getting the kind of care he needs, and I am unable to provide it. As his condition worsens, my main floor has become a bio hazard. He has peed so much onto the floor that it has seeped through my basement and onto my work equipment! At night, he wears adult diapers, but ends up smearing urine and feces all over his sheets and walls in his room (which is also the main floor). His body odor has embedded itself throughout my entire main floor. He throws his diapers away in his room in a small waist bin, but leaves his door open (which he hasn’t started doing until recently) and my dog has made it a habit to go in there and eat the diapers!!
it has become so bad, and we are in such a tough spot with my fathers estate, that we have abandoned ideas to assume the mortgage on my childhood home and sell just to get out of the situation we’re in. The family has basically railroaded us into keeping him here and guilted us into maintaining his care while giving us no power in his care and in our home.
not looking for legal advice, but is there anything we can do for his care?? I have already expressed concerns with the state social worker when they came to do his evaluation, and they seemed to also brush me off since I am not POA.
Alternatively, you could do the above but don't go back to your house right away. Leave the house locked up (new keys/codes in place) so they can't return him there. Then go stay at a hotel or airbnb nearby for a week so you and your wife can still go to work and your child can go to school. But don't tell the family where you are or when you're coming back.
Tell your uncle and niece (is she his daughter?) that she can earn her pay by doing the "caregiving" at his house.
Refuse to answer any phone calls, texts or emails from any family members, other than to say, as often as necessary, "Uncle has Grandpa's POA, it is his responsibility to find a solution. Niece is being paid to take care of Grandpa for xx number of hours a week, she needs to do it in whichever home Grandpa is in, which is no longer ours."
I'm not kidding. Ignore the guilting. Why should you agree to have your family and your home wrecked just because others expect you to do it? Just say no.
It's time to have a "come to Jesus" meeting with your family members. Grandpa needs to be moved to a facility that can care for him. Period, end of discussion. This is not a subject that you should allow them to debate. If they don't agree, then tell them you're selling the family home and moving and will have no room for him, and ask who is going to take him in with them? I'll bet they see the light then.
Stand firm and don't back down. Grandpa will be better served in a care facility that has experienced workers who deal with dementia patients every day.
I know this sounds extreme , but if you and your family move out and he’s then living alone , APS could be called. Then he could be removed and placed in care .
Hopefully others here have more ideas .
I would call APS so that they can help you to intervene with his POA for his placement. You may have to go so far as to evict Grandfather from this home if the home is yours. Currently you have a man who has limited hygiene and you have a 5 year old present in your home.
I would try first to speak with the POA that you do not wish to nor intend to keep grandfather in your home. He can be placed, or can move in with other family, but he cannot stay with you. Let the POA know that you will be contacting APS to resolve all of this, and what amounts to his breach of fiduciary duty for this gentleman. Let the POA know that you will be, if APS cannot help in a conclusion here, evicting grandfather to the care of his POA. See an eviction attorney if this is necessary.
This sounds very entangled, but I fear your allowing him living with you is really causing his needs to be ignored by all, and enabling a bad situation to move toward worse.
This man needs to be placed in s facility. TT the POA and be clear that grandpa needs to be moved out of your home or you are calling APS.
If need be sell your home and move out, let the rest of them figure out what to do with the old man.
Your 5 yo should not be exposed to this nonsense. Stand up for you and your family.
we have had many conversations with the family regarding his care, or lack thereof, and our concerns. They often come off at first as sympathetic, but then shift gears when we ask what will be done. We originally had agreed to all meet as a family to discuss moving him to a care facility after the urine leaking into the basement incident. However, long story short, we temporarily rehomed our kitten as my aunt is “allergic”, so that she could come help provide care. She has been in our home maybe 3 times since rehoming our cat a month and a half ago. When we informed her that the temporary home could no longer keep our cat and that we would be bringing her home, we were very blatantly threatened by the aunt, saying that there would be manipulations made to my fathers estate regarding our home if we attempt to bring our cat back. Further more, we were also told that she has no intentions of moving grandpa out of our home despite his condition, and that she intends to keep him there under the same threats to my father’s estate. So, the family is very aware of the situation and intends on not making any changes to it.
I am very appreciative of the answers so far, they have given me options we did not know were available.