TinaMarie27 Asked March 17, 2025
Hello, fellow caregivers! My mom no longer cares to keep herself clean, and if you tell her, she’s offended. Help! 😞
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2 Problems:
- The details are that if I gently tell her, she gets really angry that you’re even saying anything. Also, if I ask her if she wants help cleaning up, she will not even think of letting me help due to acute bashfulness. Also note, she had a knee surgery and she cannot stand in a shower without almost falling over. She’s 79 years of age. Maybe I can put some feminine wipes on the sink beside the toilet, and she will take that as a hint to use them? I have asked my dad to talk to her about it, but he has no filter and ends up insulting her, making the situation worse. What do I do here? The smell can be unbearable. Does anyone else go through this?
- She can no longer tell if she has to urinate, she wears Depends, but if she waits too long to pee, as soon as she gets up from the bed or chair, she will urinate, and it will go through the Depends, down her legs and into her shoes. (This was due to a catheter being left in her too long in 2019, almost 2 months with it in.) They have wood floors and she insists on wearing shoes, but they all end up getting urinated in. I wash her feet, but she continues to wear the urinated smelling shoes. Yes, I wash them immediately after, but this happens multiple times a week, sometimes when I am not there.
I live 45 mins away and am there 2 full days and nights a week. What do I do?
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Next, you tell her plainly that she smells terrible. Then let her know that there are products that will take care of this and that there is going to be a home/health assistant coming in twice a week to help her with showering and to make sure her home is stocked with all the supplies she needs to stay clean and odor-free. If she gets offended tell her that stinking of urine is pretty offensive to anyone nearby. I was a homecare worker for 25 years and have dealt with every kind of senior stubbornness. In particular the kind surrounding incontinence and personal hygiene. I never pretended that the person didn't stink to the high heaven. I didn't back down or let a belligerent senior intimidate me either. No way.
I'd look a person square in the face and tell them, 'You smell and you're getting washed and changed whether you like it or not. It's my job but I also care about you so let's go'. This is how you deal with a senior who's stubborn about hygiene. Your father needs to step up a little too and start helping her to the toilet or at least reminding her to go herself every two hours or so.
You mention your mother can't stand in the shower. There's no reason why she has to. Get her a shower seat or bench. If she doesn't want you showering her, that's okay. If you're not trained to safely put a person with mobility issues into the shower you shouldn't attempt it because you or the person can end up getting hurt. The homecare aide you hire will do the showering. You and mother sit down and write out a shower schedule of what weekdays she will be showering on with her new aide.
Your mother needs you to give her some tough love now. So get over bashfulness and get to it to help your mother. If she gets stubborn and resistant about 'allowing' outside paid help to come in, both you and your father need to make it very plain that her choices are accept homecare help and work with them, or she goes into LTC. Usually the threat of a nursing home is enough to cure the stubbornness or at least put it in remission.
Good luck to you and please start looking at some homecare.
You describe in your profile your parents-- a couple who is living in a hoarded home with animals they are not cleaning up after. Nor cleaning the home nor themselves.
Almost all who have Hoarding Disorder also sink eventually into poor self-care of themselves. Quite honestly, other than forced removal from a situation, this isn't at their age "fixable" in most cases.
Truly, being one hour away from them, and no one else helping, there is little to nothing that you can do about this. I am certain, given what you are dealing with, that you have watched episode of hoarding issues on the several TV programs out there; there are also many books on this issue.
Frustratingly you are attempting to deal with this, but one hour travel to and from them will net you several more hours ARGUING WITH THEM and all to no avail. The situation will remain what it is.
Hoarding is now a DSM-5 diagnosis. That helps with one thing only, and that would be getting psychiatric help. To be honest, short of placement, no one has a clue HOW TO HELP. I include psychiatrists.
I would firstly go to Facebook if not already there and join Hoarding Disorder Support Group. While it won't HELP much you won't feel so alone.
Secondly, I would speak with APS in their area. I would ask their advice only. Do know putting them on a county watch list may result in their eviction, and APS may-- if this is unsanitary-- report them for placement, guardianship of the state, and a nursing home. (Quite honestly may be the ONLY answer; certainly they will not give nor should you attempt being POA here).
Other than the above there may BE no answer here.
You will get "the call". It will be either: A) that the County is evicting them from an unsafe environment (likely already in tear down condition with cat pee ruining floors). Or B) that neighbors reported to APS and APS will want you to get guardianship (talking 10K and you will lose unless they have diagnosed dementia). Or C)the call will come from the hospital or the coroner.
I don't know how long you can sustain participating in this mental illness with no good effect. NO effect, if you're honest. Other than personal frustration and grief.
Not everything can be fixed.
I would consider seeking counseling for yourself with a GOOD licensed Social Worker in private practice of counseling, one with some experience and knowledge of Hoarding. You will there learn all the options (they are few and ineffective).
I am so sorry. Not everything has an answer. I couldn't wish you more luck and I hope you will update us.
But bottom line she now needs a shower chair in the shower for her to sit on, grab bars, a slip proof mat, and a hand held shower head so she will feel more safe when taking a shower.
And you may have to just be in the bathroom when she's taking a shower as a backup plan, or hire bath aides(with her money) to come assist her.
And you may want to put a bedside commode next to where she sits during the day, so she doesn't have to travel far to use the bathroom. You just put 6-8 inches of water in the basin with a few squirts of Poo-Pourri in the water and then just flush it down the toilet when she's done using it and wash it out real good, and refill.
The extra large body wipes can be used for the in-between showers, along with the waterless shampoo and conditioner caps that can be ordered on either Amazon or Walmart.com.
But in reality it probably isn't smart for your mom to be living by herself anymore and she more than likely needs to be placed in the appropriate facility.
She's not alone. The OP mentions the father. He needs to get proactive in helping as well.
If you could ask your mom from 25 years ago, if she ever got to the point where she is now, would she want you to do what you are currently going through? I certainly hope she would have said NO.
The last couple of years of my dad’s life with dementia, showering, changing his clothes, and general hygiene got worse and worse to the point where it was almost nonexistent. Hospice aides convinced him to shower once in two months. He got a bacterial eye infection from his own filthy hands touching his eye. Sometimes he would crawl rather than walk, and more than once in his way out of the bathroom he would smear sh*t on the walls. After that, the hospice aides told my mom to cover everything he touched or sat on and also wipe everything down constantly with Clorox wipes like the TV remote, counters, doorknobs, etc. It’s disgusting and obviously impossible to stay on top of. My mom was adamantly opposed to putting him in care despite it all until days before his death when there was no other choice.
It really sounds to me that they need to be in AL at a minimum. Good luck!!!
If you're considering leaving wipes near the toilet, just do it! Also, make sure there is a wastebasket next to the toilet and that she understands the wipes can not be flushed! If she starts flushing them down the toilet, they will end up with plumbing problems. Even the "flushable" ones can build up and clog the pipes.
You can buy incontinence pad inserts to use inside the depends. Much like menstrual pads, they add more absorbency. It could be that her depends are not a good fit, make sure they're not loose around her legs.
If she does continue to allow urine to flow down her legs and soak her shoes, consider buying some shoes that are easily washable, like crocs. A couple pair so that she has a dry pair to wear while the others are being cleaned.
If her depends are leaking, it's not only going down her legs, but also likely soaking her bed and furniture with urine. That will make the whole house smell!
Get some soaker pads - washable, and/or reusable to place on her bed and her favorite chair. Google Incontinence Pads. Walmart's Assurance are a good brand of disposable pads I like the extra large ones. I use one disposable on top of a washable pad on the bed for my husband. It makes for easier cleanup during diaper changes. He can not get out of bed to use the toilet.
Consider having a home care aide to help her with bathing. She may be oddly less bashful with a stranger whose job it is to help with showering.
There are a number of reasons why, i.e., the water may scare them, they may feel like they are drowning (if in a shower). With dementia, she doesn't have the brain functioning to respond as a 'normal' person would. She is scared and confused.
Do not fight with her. That won't help either one of you. And will exacerbate the situation.
Google:
How to help a person with dementia bath
Why do some elders resist bathing?
Educate:
* You are dealing with confusion and fear due to a parts of a brain that no longer work.* Go to: Teepa Snow and watch her webinars, free information, You Tubes, buy her books.
Needed changes
It might be time to research assisted living facilities.
This will become unmanageable for you if the situation isn't already.
Know your mother will not change.
She will continue to resist / be combative (not her fault).
She may already need 24/7 care.
She may ruin the house (i.e., wood floors, carpets) and/or fall / cause injury to herself).
In the interim of making major needed changes, you could try:
1. Letting a caregiver bath her to avoid her feeling embarrassed with family doing.
2. Try a sponge bath.
3. Consult MD re medication.
For you ...
4. Put air fresheners in her room, in the bathroom.
5. See if you can put lavendar or something in-between the mattress and sheets.
Know her behavior is not unusual at all. It is a matter of how to manage it.
Gena / Touch Matters
I lived in the basement and limited the number of times I'd go up to their living area because I gagged on the smell.
He is in a LTC facility now, and thankfully he gets a shower a couple times a week.
There's nothing you can do about it. As awful as it sounds, just leave him to his lousy choices.
Just as you would not expect a young child to keep themselves clean you can not expect a person with cognitive problems to do many of the ADL's.
Mom needs more help. Or if that help is unavailable mom needs Memory Care.
A caregiver can be hired.
Mom needs to be toileted every 2 hours. Yup you read that right. Every 2 hours she should get up and go to the bathroom. This does a few things.
1. It keeps her moving
2. She changes position so that she is less likely to develop pressure sores.
3. Hopefully you get her changed before her incontinent brief is overly saturated.
By the way wearing shoes is good, she is more stable on her feet and less likely to slip if the floor is wet.
A hired caregiver will probably be able to get mom to shower where you and dad have problems. Sometimes having family help with showers and cleaning after toileting can be difficult where a "paid professional" would be accepted better.
So hiring a caregiver 2 or 3 days a week might be a solution at this point. But it may be that you and dad need to talk about placing m om in a MC facility if they can not have caregivers more often. And you being there 2 days and nights allows them to rely on you and they think that they are more independent than they truly are. (I am referring to your dad as well)
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/how-to-help-with-bathing-and-personal-hygiene-top-tips-from-caregivers-212010.htm
Resources/Caregiving topics/Hygiene in the menu at the top.
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