Mother in law’s hygiene and manners are disturbing.
MIL is almost 87 and she self-diagnosed herself with dementia… using it as an excuse for her bad manners and hygiene behavior. She’s been living with us now for over a year and she is becoming more and more dirty and she smells. She is almost 300 pounds and uses a walker. She can get up and down on her own with railing and insists on toileting and showering by herself. She still has most of her faculties but is experiencing some short term memory loss. I believe she has never made it a habit of washing her hands after using the bathroom and wiping after peeing. She wipes partially after pooping but not thoroughly. She ALWAYS leaves the bathroom dirty. When she showers she does so only to get wet… refusing to use a washcloth with soap. We had to get chucks pads for her to sit on when changing because she was getting poop from her butt and per on the bedding and chair… this is even after a shower. We have discussed these issues with her and given her many ideas and cleaning options. A bidet is not an option because she has difficulty with any devices or gadgets and she would not be able to move around and adjust her bottom accordingly to wet the right area. When asked if she wiped or washed her hands she lies and says she did. There is evidence that she didn’t and we show her then she gets defensive and says she can’t see or that we are “checking up” on her. We kindly explain the reasons why we are asking and she says she’ll do better and doesn’t need to be reminded. I’ve put up little signs and she tears them down and gets mad. This is causing major problems in our household. It’s straining my marriage and has destroyed my once great relationship with her. I clean constantly and I’m beyond frustrated. She just doesn’t think she needs to wipe or wash and doesn’t care about anyone else who has to use the bathroom. The crazy thing is she never misses a day of putting on her earrings and most days she brushes her teeth.
No little signs will help. Her brain is broken. She may not be able to read them. She only brushes her teeth some days? She may be forgetting how to do it (and having been dealing with this recently with my husband who has diagnosed dementia, I can tell you that he remembers some days but other days has no idea what the toothbrush is or what to do with it).
Stop discussing and start making plans behind the scenes. "Oh, but that would be so unfair to MIL!" No, it would not. She is not in her right mind, she can no longer make decisions for herself, and you and husband will have to do that for her. She's a different person now. I wish you luck in moving her out of your house, because that's what needs to happen. You clearly cannot go on like this. I'm very sorry.
It's your house don't forget, and you and your spouse have the final say as to what goes on in it or not. And to me this has now become a deal breaker.
Time to look into getting your MIL placed in the appropriate facility, so you can get your house, life and marriage back the way you want it.
I wish you well in doing just that.
P.S. If money is an issue then your MIL will have to apply for Medicaid as you shouldn't be spending one penny of your own money on her care.
Do you have a question for us?
She is gaslighting you guys and taking advantage of your hospitality.
The stinking, crappy behind and arguing about it was the reason my dad went to a facility and not my home.
I would never ask my family to live like that, even if I was willing. Your husband needs to tell her enough is enough and you are going to be out of our home in the time it takes to find placement. Period! end of discussion.
The amazing thing, he never had that problem in a facility full of non family members. Hmmm?
Before another year passes, whomever's Mother she is needs to sit her down and tell her clearly: if she can't clean herself properly, and she (supposedly) has "dementia" she needs to move into a facility with a professional staff that can handle her health and hygiene matters. You are frustrated and exhausted dealing with her stubbornness. She doesn't respect your home or your kindness, and she doesn't try to change as she claims. Her living as such in your home is not a long term solution.
Remind her your house is YOUR property, and you RUN THE SHOW. You have certain rules and standards of cleanliness she doesn't (or refuses) to follow. This situation cannot continue and many chances given were not taken. Thus another year of this behavior will not be acceptable. You have already been generous for a year and it is clear she will not cooperate with your house standards.
Stubborn Senior brats who get mad and refuse to cooperate generally get a one way ticket to a nursing home. Hopefully she will agree to move out, or you will get stuck evicting her. She doesn't seem to medically need care, so can get a small apartment for low income seniors. You want your home back as it was before she came.
Good luck!
Something needs to be done to get her attention.
Right now she believes you all just have to tolerate whatever she does, disabuse her of that nonsense right now.