My dad and I have made it clear multiple times that I want no contact with my grandmother because she has physically and mentally abused me since birth until my junior year of high school. She even continued threatening violence until I graduated. I’m 18 now, but she insists on thinking I’m 15. Lately, she’s resorted to covert emotional and psychological harassment. I’ve been driven to lock myself in my dad’s room every day, even sleeping there, just to feel safe. She’s had an extreme narcissistic personality her whole life, and it’s affected everyone: my mom, who moved out when I was 4; her eldest son, who moved to Mexico before I was born; and my cousins, whose mom (my aunt) moved out when I was 9.
Currently, I live with my dad, my uncle, and my grandmother. According to my dad, they all co-own the house. I’ve documented her harassment, which includes: 1. Relentless Knocking: She constantly knocks on my door or my dad’s. If I don’t respond, she bangs louder, sometimes several times an hour. It disrupts my peace and rest. Most of the time, it’s under the guise of asking if I’m hungry, only to then tell me to cook for myself. Other times, she offers to buy fast food but embarrasses me publicly for not having money. I avoid answering because she often accuses me of saying or doing malicious things or interrogates me about “plots” involving neighbors or people I talk to on my phone. Despite my dad, uncle, and I telling her repeatedly to leave me alone, she persists, even after agreeing to stop. 2. Bypassing Barriers: She uses the backyard and sliding door to my dad’s room or my bedroom window to force interactions. The sliding door doesn’t lock, so she opens it slightly to try to come in. She’s even stood there watching me sleep. When I try to be respectful, she exploits it as kindness and keeps going. 3. Invading My Room: She enters my room when it’s unlocked, going through my belongings. She’s even taken one of my phones to inspect it. Cameras in my room don’t deter her—she’s admitted she doesn’t care about being recorded. She also accuses me of stealing and uses it as an excuse to invade my privacy. 4. Stealing Personal Items: She’s taken things like an offering bowl from my altar, hair products, makeup, and items from my dad’s room, including his tablet and photos of his deceased father. 5. Leaving Trash: She places garbage, broken items, or things I’ve thrown out (e.g., broken headphones, old journals) in my room or through my window when I ignore her. 6. False Accusations: She constantly accuses me of stealing her belongings—keys, glasses, her purse—despite camera evidence showing I rarely leave my room. She’s even threatened to call the police over these baseless claims. Once, when my dad and I were cooking dinner, she tried to engage in conversation, but when he called out her behavior, she dismissed it as a “joke.” 7. Memory Problems: She forgets conversations or events and denies them happening. She refuses to take accountability, cycles between paranoia and anger, and still claims I’m 15, despite constant reminders that I’m 18. If confronted, she either gaslights us or shifts blame onto others. 8. Driving Risks: She drives dangerously, ignoring stop signs, honking at pedestrians, and speeding through yellow lights. It’s even worse at night, even when others are in the car with her. 9. Manipulation: She confuses people with bizarre, repetitive questions and falsely accuses neighbors of things like cutting bushes or conspiring against her. She’s accused me and my mom (who doesn’t even speak Spanish) of plotting against her in Spanish, claiming to hear things that aren’t real. She’s even said she’s seen me in the house on days I wasn’t home.
All of this has given me severe anxiety. Even after respectfully explaining how her behavior affects me, she either gaslights, apologizes insincerely, or agrees to stop, only to resume minutes to hours later. She even tells me to go live with my mom when I set boundaries.
Unfortunately, your father and uncle don't seem to care enough to accept their responsibility for their mother's safety, and yours. The option left is for you to move out and start supporting yourself. I know that is a challenge. Next time your grandmother threatens to call the police, go ahead and let her. When the police arrive, tell them it's a dementia/mental health situation and ask that they get an evaluation of your grandmother for the sake of her safety.
You are going to have to move out now.
Get as good a job as you can, rent a room in someone else's home; at least it will be your own room, and get on with your life.
I don't know how OLD Grandmother is, but where there is age there is hope. If you enjoy living with Dad and Uncle you can perhaps move back in when she's gone and move on with an education.
Grandmother is quite old and ill either with dementia or with mental illness.
You don't have any keys or qualifications in helping any of that.
Sorry that your father is allowing this woman to cause such chaos and havoc in his home, but there's also nothing you can do about HIM.
Get a good job, perhaps start in caregiving at a local aging care facility. Tell them you'll start low and prove yourself by doing a stellar job wherever they put you, and then do that. Because anything has to be better than what you're going through.
IF you have the grades for it, there are full scholarships out there for college that go unclaimed every year. Speak to a counselor at your old school to find out how to begin research.
And remember this, if you are AT WORK and working hard as you can at two jobs to save money, then you are not at home during that time to be hassled. You will also be exposed in your work to people with perhaps a room to rent, and etc. Going to be tough. Sounds like you are on your own. But the good news here is you are young and healthy and I would place bets of you being able to do it!
The problem I see here is your Dad and Uncle seeming to think their Mom being this way is normal and you should just suck it up. And Mom for leaving you in this situation.
You can put a combination lock on your door so she can’t get in. Wear foam earplugs.
But, yeah, can you go live with your mom?
Accusing you Of being a Thief , needing constant attention , Paranoia . Her Ilness should be addressed Not Ignored . She doesnt Know what she is doing so Dont take it personally , she has a mental Illness and her Doctor should Know .
I'm so sorry you've had to endure this for so many years. You are an independent adult now and have the freedom to leave. The longer you stay financially dependent, to more you will degrade and be degraded.
Your Grandmother is beyond being a narcissist. She may have untreated mental illness, or dementia. Neither will respond to or respect your boundaries. Your boundaries are for YOU to enforce for yourself. Expect her to ignore them. She has proven over and over that she is ignoring your boundaries or unable to see them them. Nonetheless the solution is for you to move out. Then block your family since they obviously aren't helping you.
You can report her to APS and maybe they will remove her from the home and transition her into a facility where she will get the care she needs. It's better that she goes than you. But if she doesn't go... you must.
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