My mother (who is 84) and my daughter (who is 31) do not get along at all. Whenever they are together my mother becomes very angry at my daughter and claims she does not even say hello or good-bye to her or talk to her. That is not completely true, but it is true that my daughter does not like my mother and finds it difficult to be around her. The problems stem from mean comments that my mother has made to my daughter over the years, and from my daughter excluding my mother from important events. Some might say that I am partly to blame for not putting my foot down at times with my mother, and with my daughter at other times. I guess I could have tried to control their decisions and behaviors more by discussing things more openly and pressuring them to make different decisions. However, I do not like trying to control the behavior of others and I resent the fact that I should have to mediate situations between them. They are both adults and should act like it. Others have given me the advice to stay out of their disputes but that is virtually impossible when my mother keeps bringing up the problems to me. I must talk to her every day since my stepfather died 4 years ago, and I dread the call every day. I live 2 hours away from her but see her at least 2-3 times per month. Now my mother is threatening not to come to my daughter's baby shower (at my house) this summer because my daughter never calls her or talks to her. My question is, should I try to get my daughter to call my mother and smooth things over? She probably won't since she is just as strong willed as my mother. If she won't, will they just be estranged for the rest of their lives, and I will have to deal with the constant reminders? Also, my mother basically blames me for not doing more to get my daughter to talk to her. Any advice?
I assumed you must be discussing all this with them (which essentially is gossiping) or are they speaking to a blank wall that cannot respond.
Tell them that you do not want this dropped on your doorstep like a cat bringing home a dead mouse. To take care of it on their own. They don't LIKE one another. There's no reason they need to.
Your mom was mean to your daughter and your daughter has distanced herself from her. I see nothing wrong with that. And I see nothing wrong with telling your mother that. Actions have consequences.
My guess is that grandma feels entitled to her opinions and doesn't care who they hurt. She probably grew up with elders who acted the same way and she had to tolerate that so now she thinks it is her turn. Today's younger people realize they don't have to put up with that.
You mom is threatening to not come to the shower. She seems to be under the impression she is the guest of honor and her not coming will be devastating. Next time she tells you that tell her that is her choice to do as she pleases and then change the subject. (My grandmother was the same way, thought she was the guest of honor at every event).
Yes you are calling too much, especially if you dread it. Why are you doing it? Don't you matter too?
Look it up. EVERYONE has a role to play.
And they likely are even able to switch roles back and forth.
Every time your mother made mean or snide comment to your daughter, you should have cut her down. That's what being a parent is. You take your kid's side every time and you stand up for your kid even of that means telling your own mother to go pound sand.
Where is your daughter's father? He allowed your mother to make mean and snide comments to your daughter and did nothing?
That would be hard for me to get my head around because my husband is a man who has let my mother slide on a lot, but not anything with our son.
My mother never liked that kid and he's a good boy in college now because technically he is my adopted son. I married his widowed father when he was 3 years old and legally adopted him. My mother always had 'comments' about our son and both my husband and I always ripped her a new one whenever she felt entitled to throw her two cents in.
My son has no relationship with her really. She was offended because she wasn't invited to his graduation or his party. Why would she be?
Your daughter doesn't call or talk to her grandmother and her reasons are valid. I don't plame her. I didn't talk to my own mother for six years and she wasn't invited to my wedding. The mean and snide comments get to a point where the one they are directed at is not willing to have that toxic person in their life anymore.
Your daughter is right. Let your mother threaten to not come to the baby shower. Who the hell cares? Your daughter and everyone else will probably have a far better time without her there.
Whatever the case is, the OP has kept herself in the middle trying to find SOLUTIONS. That's not going to work. She needs to stay out of their business.
Stop calling everyday so she knows you mean it. When your mother starts in , tell her you are not discussing it and will be hanging up the phone if she does not change to a different subject .
Don’t try to force either one to see each other including important events. Again just stay out of it . If your Mom chooses to stay home when she is invited , so be it , that’s on her.
Your mother is threatening not to come to a baby shower because she wants you to force your daughter to call her. That’s absolutely ridiculous . Do not in anyway pressure your daughter to be manipulated by this woman’s threats unless you would like to risk your daughter uninviting you .
My mother in law threatened not to come to my wedding , guess what ? we called her bluff , canceled the wedding and eloped. Never had a great relationship after that with in laws . Don’t loose your relationship with your daughter because your mother is dishing out threats.
Let her stay home, sit home and miss out on life, might be a good wake up call for her
Say to them both from now on I'm "Switzerland" I'm not taking sides
THIS - so much this!!!!
You’ve been triangulated. There’s a lot of information about this, so read it, realize it, and stop enabling. Good luck!
And stop forcing your daughter to visit your mom.
Mom, I would say "Mom, nothing I can do about your relationship with my daughter. I have talked to her about calling you more. Thats all I can do. She is an adult and I have no control over her. So please, stop trying to make me your go between. Just except that this daughter you will have no relationship with." And if Mom does not want to go to the shower, thats her choice.
Have you told your Mom that comments she has made over the years are the reason your daughter wants no relationship with her. Maybe your other daughters can chalk it up to "thats just grandmom" but this daughter can't. She has been hurt by these comments and is protecting herself. Yes, you are going to have to except that this daughter may never like your mother. Its what it is.
Don't create drama for your pregnant daughter, it is not healthy for her. Just leave it alone. You don't want your relationship with her be to compromised. Remember that you could lose a relationship with your grandchild because you butted in where you don't belong.
If your mother doesn't want to come to the baby shower, then she shouldn't. No one will really care if she's there or not.
You have the most to lose by getting in the middle of this situation. Stay out of it.
SHAME on YOU for allowing it.
This is simple: Your daughter doesn't HAVE to like your mother; your mom doesn't have to like your daughter. And who they invite to their silly celebrations is up to them individually.
AND YOU DON'T need or want to HEAR ABOUT IT.
Tell them BOTH to stop. At ONCE.
Tell them that they are putting you in the middle of two people you love.
Tell them that you do not EVER want to hear their BAD opinions about one another again. Tell them you already KNOW their weaknesses and strengths, just as they know YOURS.
They can solve their issues OR NOT. But they DO need to leave you out of it.
This is about Boundaries. There is an old book--easy, simple and anecdotal-- by Henry Cloud called Boundaries. Read it. Your story belongs in it.
And tell BOTH of them, quite simply, they should be ashamed of themselves and they need never to involve you in their unpleasantries again.
Unless you are a trained mediator you have no place in the middle of this. It is your own fault that you ever decided these gossipy discussion involving either of them is a good thing.
Give them these contacts:
Mediate.com.
APFMNET.org (Academy of Professional Family Mediation.
ACRN.org (Assn for Conflict Resolution).
The absolute WORST choice of a person to settle disagreements is another family member. Tell them I said so. And tell them BOTH to grow up.
If you allow this to continue then do them the favor of getting a marker and making little dotted line right down the middle of you that says "Bend, Fold and Tear along the dotted lines".
Let your daughter have her boundaries. Change the topic with your Mom. Relationships are messy. The more you insert yourself the more blame you will get. You can’t control any of it anyway.
We don’t get to choose our family members but we can choose how much or little we interact with them.
My DH and his sister survived years of abuse at his hands - but I honestly did not even know this for a very long time. It was something they had both compartmentalized and pushed way down in order to have a relationship with their father so that they could maintain the relationship with their mother while she was alive, and because they thought they were required to after she died.
Our children visited when MIL was alive - but it was clear even then that my FIL was a terrible grandfather (and father). He would literally be sitting in the room with all of the grands present, ignore them entirely, take a phone call and tell the caller that his grands never visited or did anything for him. Once MIL died, the children stopped visiting for the most part - except on rare occasions. My youngest was the last to stop, and when she did go over she hid in a room and didn't acknowledge him.
My FIL was 100% to blame for the lack of relationship - none of his grands wanted to be around him because of the way he treated them.
How do you handle it? Well you have a few options.
1. You can play into it and just make it an argument - tell her why your daughter doesn't visit or talk to her and be blunt. That may work, it may make things worse.
2. You can ignore her entirely when she brings it up. Just completely change the subject and redirect.
3. You can tell your mother that you are not discussing your adult daughter's choices. That if she wishes to talk to your adult daughter, she knows how to use a telephone and she can call her - the phone works both ways. But that you are no longer going to be in the middle. It is her responsibility to nourish her own relationships.
No, don't have your daughter call and beg her grandmother to come to her baby shower. Your mother should be excited to be invited and participate. An invitation is not a summons. She isn't required to attend. But by no means does your daughter need added pressure to beg her grandmother to come when she will probably try to ruin it anyway if she does come.
If your mother keeps bringing it up, leave the room. Tell her you are not talking about it with her anymore.
If they are estranged - that is not your problem to fix. Your daughter has a right to have relationships, or not, with whomever she chooses and that includes family.
Your mother doesn't realize the part she has played in the decisions your daughter has made and she likely won't accept responsibility for that. You shouldn't expect your daughter to smooth over things her grandmother caused. Don't accept blame for something you didn't do.
"If they are estranged - that is not your problem to fix. Your daughter has a right to have relationships, or not, with whomever she chooses and that includes family."
Yes. Absolutely correct.
A real part of me suspects here that our OP gossips with mom about daughter and with daughter about Mom and gets attention and reinforcement for doing that. Then it is "Mom said............" or "your daughter said............." or whatever and it all turns into a stew you she said-she said.
Any talk by the daughter about her grandmother and by the grandmother about the granddaughter needs to be OFF BOUNDS for our OP. She needs to stop discussing these grown women with one another and tell them to take their complaints to the SOURCE, not to her. Her interference is likely making all of this every so much worse.