So i am an only child and ever since I was 8 years old I've done nothing but take care of my sick mother. She has lupus, copd, kidney failure, scoliosis, the whole shebang and went through a lot of surgeries. I had to be taken out of school for a while to be at the hospital with her alone because I had no one to care for me other than my elderly granny who was also disabled and I did stay with her for a week or so but had no transportation so I basically grew up in the hospital with my mom. When they would send her home from the hospital I had to pack her surgical sites with gauze, clean them, change her fluid bags, change and clean infection bulbs, even had to clean her at one point, doing all of these things nurses or CNAs should be coming out to do at home while being between 8-15. These are not things a child should not have to go through. She used to be able to walk, then had to use a walker, cane and wheelchair pretty much my entire life and I learned to not be embarrassed because I thought it was normal. My mom had been in a drug induced coma for 3 months and died for 10 minuets due to the fact she had 700ml of blood and water on her heart and lungs which put her into cardiac arrest, hence the 3 month coma to heal properly. My mom didn't even know I was there the whole time. I know her being sick is not her fault it's not like she asked to be sick and I completely understand that, she was so selfless enough to enroll me for a big sister from big brothers big sisters in order for me to have some what of a childhood despite the trauma I was going through. I've never been to therapy about any of this and I need to but have no funds for that which is why I'm here asking if im the bad guy. While I was a child I was not protected by my mother, when she wasn't at the hospital she was home and gave me a cell phone at the age of 9 so I could walk 4 blocks down the road to get stuff from the corner store, alone. She figured a cell phone would prevent me from getting kidnapped thank God I didn't. We also went to this church i ended up getting molested at, she handled it when I told her which is great but also there was a man that went to that church with us and she befriended him and forgave him for his past which was a registered sex offender, invited this man to our home and he became obsessive, to the point we had to turn the lights off, lock the door, turn the TV off and shut the blinds because he kept coming over every day and wouldn't leave us alone which in my opinion as a soon to be ftm, is not a safe environment for your child and came to find out that man lived 2 houses away from the corner store I used to walk to all the time. She had friends that were sex offenders but because "they were wrongly accused" or "it happened years ago" around me and I just feel like having your child around predators is just not okay. I worked with mentally and physically disabled people for 5 years as my occupation and she had already lived with me and my ex husband then we got divorced and she lived with his mentally challenged aunt for a year and a half while I lived in my apartment with my bf at the time (now fiance) she used to do a lot for her self but the amount of time I wasn't around her she declined fast because don't get me wrong she is disabled but also puts on more than what she is and is lazy a lot of the times. She now lives with me and my fiance and I am her live in caregiver. I'm 30wks pregnant and the only help we have received is mainly financially. She helps with dishes and laundry here and there also with the help of her companion (my exs aunt) but i do everything else as my fiance works all the time outside of the home. My exs aunt has the mind of a 4 yr old and she takes advantage of that, she said she wanted a companion after my granny died but don't want the responsibility of taking care of her and I didn't sign up for that yet here we are. I feel resentment. I feel burdened. Am I wrong? What do I do?
Some mother-daughter couples manage to make these changes without too many problems. However many (if not most) really do have problems. Normally the only answer is to live separately. It would be worth to think about this, and to be honest about whether you both are better off being separate.
If you really need the money, think about whether you would be better off taking in a lodger who is not your mother. and whether she would be better off paying rent somewhere else without the personal complications.
You have every right to feel burdened. You are definitely not selfish or heartless—quite the opposite.
A therapist could help you process the past and help you set/enforce boundaries in the present. I suggest that you start there.
All best.
We here on this Forum are in no way qualified to give you said therapy. Without it, you, now an adult with a family on the way, will pay this sort of generational legacy forward throughout all time.
You have told us of a very troubling childhood in which NO ONE advocated to remove you from a household that was thoroughly negligent in care of a child. Yet now you are bringing yet another child into a home ruled by this sort of ongoing trauma.
You are an adult now. Not the abused and victimized child.
You are responsible to care for the child you bring into this world, and to protect this child from a lifetime such as you describe.
You must get help.
You have already said that you recognize that you must.
Your own health and that of your child must be your prime imperative now. Or this will go on, as I said, generationally forever.
My take on this is you have been an independent survivor since you were young. You didn't have a chance to be a normal kid. You were forced to deal with very serious, intense adult issues at a young age, and yet still managed to survive it. Your Mom's poor parenting and not protecting you from sexual predators was inexcusable. You have had enough trauma for a lifetime! You even let your Mom live with you and first husband, which probably contributed to your divorce.
Yet you managed to work with mentally/physically disabled people for 5 years, and got your own place. Instead of sink in quicksand, you earned a living and became independent. Yet despite your impressive efforts, you weren't able to get away from your horrible childhood and sick Mother!
Somehow Mom got back in with you, and I'm sure you have regrets. Now you are pregnant, plus a full time caregiver, which is incredible stress! You need to have your Doctor help you, by insisting you must stop caregiving and avoid the stress it causes! You need to focus 100% on your health and preparing for your baby.
Mom clearly manipulates people in desperation for her own survival. You should be fed up with a lifetime of Mom's nonsense! You (as her only child) are her game plan, and you need to end it now. You owe her NOTHING, after she stole your childhood. She has come back when desperate, and her plan is YOU. It always worked before, right? What has she ever done for you out of kindness or generosity? You have been forced to suffer your entire life, and it needs to stop. You have a child coming who should be #1 PRIORITY, along with your soon husband. NOT YOUR MOTHER.
I would contact APS and tell them what's going on. Also get your Doctor to speak up on your behalf! Mom needs to be OUT before that child is born. You have sacrificed enough for too long.
Your destiny is to raise a healthy child that will get everything you didn't. Mom cannot be in the middle of this, living under your roof. You deserve to have your own happy little family, not cooking and cleaning for Mom. She has drained your life enough, and needs to dump herself and her problems elsewhere. You shouldn't be her solution and deserve a stress free life. I would make it clear you do not intend to continue being her caregiver slave any longer. She has her "companion" and needs to get her own place NOW.
Your selfish Mom will not go easy, either. She'll fight to keep her daughter slave, and her comfy setup. She may dig her claws in, claiming she will "help you with the new baby." Don't get suckered, she will do nothing but be a burden.
Get APS, your Doctor and a social worker to help you get Mom out. I'd consider moving 500 miles away too! Don't feel guilty about ANYTHING. You have sacrificed enough and now it's your turn to begin this happy chapter of your life you have deserved for years. Mom needs to go, you have done more than enough. You may need to find a new place and MOVE, where Mom cannot stay. You may need to legally evict her. You have gone beyond the call, and have every right to be fed up. She has a companion, so what's her excuse? I'm sure your fiance doesn't want her living with you both either.
You may think you love her, but your baby now comes first. Simple as that.
I wish you luck and know you can do this. You've been through much worse.
You are NOT “selfish, wrong or heartless” to walk away from this and focus on your own life – which is the only one you are going to get. What does our fiancee think about all this? If he thinks it’s OK, perhaps he is part of the problem?