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Are the so–called friends caregivers? Push back; they have zero concept of the burden you endured. Stand up to them as this judgment is complete and utter BULL$$$$. They are out of line. Enjoy your freedom. Savor happiness, you certainly earned it.
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Danielle123 Jan 30, 2025
I stood up to one of them recently, and am stepping back from the friendship. I won’t allow her to blight this time in my life.
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I can bet, they weren't/aren't caregivers to their aging parents either. Those that haven't experienced it, can no way put themselves in your shoes, but yet have the .most to say 😒. You deserve a life and not feel guilty about it. Its your turn now.
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Danielle123 Jan 30, 2025
There Is something synonymous with caregiving and guilt. Thank you for your affirmation, Ginaq79.
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People have different experiences with caregiving… if we’ve been doing the hands on caregiving at home …& now in SNF as my 97 year old mother who is immobile, incontinent, agitated at times from dementia is, I, personally feel it’s much more stressful with mom in nursing home. I don’t feel “free” to do whatever…there’s been too many screwups at facility. I go daily unless I’m under the weather…I feed her, do her mouth care, sometimes even change diaper/clean her. Facility takes $$$ but is short staffed with little or short on supplies. I’m also fed up with dealing with a million idiots there as well as Atty who filed nursing home application asking for more $$$ all the time. I never know for sure if or when she gets the meds for agitation from dementia. One nurse will never give it and waits for me! Again, me and aide at home had a routine, my mom saw same faces, I was able to go to any appointments I made while aide was there…so while she’s been at facility, she got head bruise that they covered their a$$es , leg gash that needed stitches & bug 🪲 bites for 5 months. All incidents they were in Cover Their A$$ mode…Now she has skin breakdown on backside due to CNA not having cream ..they even asked me if I had cream..so I pay facility every month..& they don’t purchase enough supplies. I could go on and on..the point is I’m not relaxed now that mom is there. However, you’re lucky you have a sister who is willing to help. My brother helped other ways but no hands on caregiving. So try to understand other comments since they thought they were going to have freedom and relaxation but unfortunately don’t! Hugs 🤗
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JanPeck123 Jan 31, 2025
To CaregiverL,
I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time with the care home. It's experiences like yours that give me anxiety. Have you spoken to the director about your concerns of lack of supplies for your Mom? I wish you luck in getting things resolved.
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Find new ‘friends’. Anyone who judges you is not a friend. What is their stake in it unless they are also caring for a parents and are jealous of your freedom? As an only child and daughter of a narcissistic 93 year old mother, we just admitted her to AL due to a stroke. My friends are celebrating with me because although she lived alone to this point, my mother was miserable and demanding and mean and they shared my pain. Their support has been amazing. Enjoy your life. Go explore your freedoms. As retirees, we only have so much time ourselves. I don’t intend to have mine being a servant or being abused. any longer.
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Sorry we too have family/ friends that thinks that My wife and I, don’t do enough and pushed her aunt into a home so we don’t have to deal with her. They didn’t understand at first how much care was needed she went from being assisted living (in her own home) to three strokes/broken hip/ CHF- she needed 24/7 care and no family member or friend could step up to do this, which is ok!
It’s just ignorance, and have caused disunity in the family as they have no idea how much time energy is spent on caregiving!
How you answer those questions is with the truth! Believe me those that question are the very ones who do nothing and love to point fingers! If you do not feel you owe them an answer then say it I don’t owe you any explanation! My mother called that tough Love!
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Develop the ability to respond to catty comments like this with equally catty comments and then just move on.

Them "Don't feel that you're off the hook now just because she moved away"

You "Ohh I don't feel off the hook in anyway, but also it's really not your place to express something like given it's none of your business"

Them "Do you feel guilty"

You "Not in the least just like I don't feel guilty telling you that this is none of your business"
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MargaretMcKen Jan 31, 2025
And another one's gone, and another one's gone, and another one bights the dust, yeah!
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Your friends do not have the right to comment on your situation or life.
boundaries - they havent walked in your shoes! and basically haven’t got a clue. I think you should talk to them
Set Boundaries
politely tell them that you find these questions upsetting and it wasn’t an easy decision- 10 years of. Caring has taken its toil on you and you are finding it hard to come to terms as well and Would appreciate it if the conversation on your mother be closed down.

you actually don’t need or have to justify yourself to anyone -
in your heart you know you have done your bit
10 years is an awfully long time to look after someone
if family feel anyway they can take on the responsibility now.
if you feel comfortable explaining your reasons behind your choices then do so-
maybe they are just curious
maybe…
sometimes I do feel guilty - it was the hardest decision I have ever had to make / but I know it is necessary for their well being - I can’t cope anymore
and add I feel a bit overwhelmed when this topic comes up - I’d appreciate it if we could close it down now.
My family have a choice to get involved in the care I’ve given last 10 years but I know she will be looked after and I am mentally and physically too tired to.
id rather not talk about this again - how about we discuss something positive or fun jnstead
or
I know you mean well but im
not comfortable discussing this right now. I hope you can respect that

some times people feel they have a right to have input into your life or just curious tactless talking
either way if you feel uncomfortable tell them and ask the subject not be raised again. Tactlessness questions even if they are just curious.
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