As some of you know, I was the primary caregiver to my 94-year old mother for 10 years during which time her needs exponentially increased while she lived in her apartment. In November, she finally moved to a retirement home in another city, and my sister is now the primary caregiver. I still visit and help as I can although my role has become limited as I live too far away.
I just finished cleaning out Mom’s apartment in December, and handed the keys back two weeks ago. I am exhausted and relieved that this is finally over for me.
The issue is that I have two friends who are trying to make me feel guilty that my life has now gotten easier. I feel as though I just completed a 10-year marathon (during the first 10 years of my retirement, I might add). I was tethered to an aging parent, unable to travel, with a derailed retirement, and the sense that my life was not truly my own.
How do I handle these types of questions: ‘Do you feel guilty?’ ‘Does your sister resent you because she’s doing it all now?’
There was also a statement that bothered me: ‘Don’t feel that you’re off the hook now just because she moved away.’
I don’t know how to effectively deal with any of this.
I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time with the care home. It's experiences like yours that give me anxiety. Have you spoken to the director about your concerns of lack of supplies for your Mom? I wish you luck in getting things resolved.
It’s just ignorance, and have caused disunity in the family as they have no idea how much time energy is spent on caregiving!
How you answer those questions is with the truth! Believe me those that question are the very ones who do nothing and love to point fingers! If you do not feel you owe them an answer then say it I don’t owe you any explanation! My mother called that tough Love!
Them "Don't feel that you're off the hook now just because she moved away"
You "Ohh I don't feel off the hook in anyway, but also it's really not your place to express something like given it's none of your business"
Them "Do you feel guilty"
You "Not in the least just like I don't feel guilty telling you that this is none of your business"
boundaries - they havent walked in your shoes! and basically haven’t got a clue. I think you should talk to them
Set Boundaries
politely tell them that you find these questions upsetting and it wasn’t an easy decision- 10 years of. Caring has taken its toil on you and you are finding it hard to come to terms as well and Would appreciate it if the conversation on your mother be closed down.
you actually don’t need or have to justify yourself to anyone -
in your heart you know you have done your bit
10 years is an awfully long time to look after someone
if family feel anyway they can take on the responsibility now.
if you feel comfortable explaining your reasons behind your choices then do so-
maybe they are just curious
maybe…
sometimes I do feel guilty - it was the hardest decision I have ever had to make / but I know it is necessary for their well being - I can’t cope anymore
and add I feel a bit overwhelmed when this topic comes up - I’d appreciate it if we could close it down now.
My family have a choice to get involved in the care I’ve given last 10 years but I know she will be looked after and I am mentally and physically too tired to.
id rather not talk about this again - how about we discuss something positive or fun jnstead
or
I know you mean well but im
not comfortable discussing this right now. I hope you can respect that
some times people feel they have a right to have input into your life or just curious tactless talking
either way if you feel uncomfortable tell them and ask the subject not be raised again. Tactlessness questions even if they are just curious.