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As some of you know, I was the primary caregiver to my 94-year old mother for 10 years during which time her needs exponentially increased while she lived in her apartment. In November, she finally moved to a retirement home in another city, and my sister is now the primary caregiver. I still visit and help as I can although my role has become limited as I live too far away.
I just finished cleaning out Mom’s apartment in December, and handed the keys back two weeks ago. I am exhausted and relieved that this is finally over for me.
The issue is that I have two friends who are trying to make me feel guilty that my life has now gotten easier. I feel as though I just completed a 10-year marathon (during the first 10 years of my retirement, I might add). I was tethered to an aging parent, unable to travel, with a derailed retirement, and the sense that my life was not truly my own.
How do I handle these types of questions: ‘Do you feel guilty?’ ‘Does your sister resent you because she’s doing it all now?’
There was also a statement that bothered me: ‘Don’t feel that you’re off the hook now just because she moved away.’
I don’t know how to effectively deal with any of this.

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Don't deal with it. Real friends do not treat you this way. They rejoice WITH you that a decade of your life has finally ended with you alive and intact, thank God. I'd cut them out of my life if they were my friends, and consider them part of the decade that's now behind you. The Last thing you need now is more nonsense to contend with!

Live your life now, free of all burdens.
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Danielle123 17 hours ago
I agree. Real friends would rejoice with me.
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Danielle, are you SERIOUS?
These are people you call your friends?
These are abusers! What in the world made you choose THEM as friends.
But to answer:
When someone says:
"Do you feel guilty" you say: "Guilt requires causation. I didn't cause this; I can't fix it"
When someone says:
"Does your sister resent you" you say: "Were you molested as a child?

And for the real CHERRY on the Sundae: "Don't feel you're off the hook now just because she's moved away" YOU say "Don't think you are a good person, because you are really a S - - -."

How's that?
No one MAKES you feel ANYTHING. You aren't some doll to stick pins into. And you aren't at the mercy of evil people. Which is EXACTLY what these crones are. EVIL!
Like I have said here and you have read. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it. You did your time, and more than I would EVER have done. You are a human being and not a God and not a Saint. And wow, girl, neither are your friends.
The ABSOLUTE NERVE OF THEM. That's what you need to say. You need to look them right into the eyes, shake your finger in their faces and say: "THE. absolute. nerve. of. you. You should be ASHAMED of yourself."

Now, stop thinking about all this and get out there and get some DECENT friends. LORDY! Tell me these aren't CHURCH friends.
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Danielle123 17 hours ago
Not church friends, but people who I will now distance myself from.

Thanks, AlvaDeer.
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They aren't your friends. Dump them and spend time with friends who understand and respect you. The older we get, the less time we have to waste on people like this. Do all those things that you had to put off, and do them with a clear conscience. You deserve the best!
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Reply to MG8522
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These aren't friends. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
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Reply to Dogwood63
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With friends like these, you don’t need enemies! I suggest you find new friends who support and encourage you. You’ve been through enough misery to last for a lifetime, and you deserve friends who understand and don’t try to bring you down. They’re out there, and once you ditch these idiots, you’ll have time to go looking for better besties!
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BurntCaregiver 2 hours ago
Amen to that, Fawnby.
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I would say, no I don’t feel guilty. Why would I? I gave 10 years and it is my sister’s turn. Do you feel guilty since you didn’t help me more?
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Reply to ShirleyDot
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I like that. No explanation or discussion.
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Reply to Danielle123
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You owe them no explanation or discussion. They will never understand unless and until they walk where you’ve been. Simply reply that you and mom are both doing well, thanks for your concern, and now you’re ready for other topics
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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No one knows until they have to care for someone. I like order and there is no order when Dementia is involved. I had my guilt but the freedom was nice. I still had to get her toiletries and visit but I could go home and do what I wanted. TG my Mom adjusted well. I too was in the beginning of retirement.

Mom is in a retirement home, how much care is your sister doing? These friends aren't friends. And no, you feel no guilt, you have done your time. Mom is now safe in a Senior home. Your sister has very little care. And you visit and help when you can. Its working for everyone. I had a friend say to me "I took care of my Mom" "Good for you".
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Reply to JoAnn29
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First of all, if these people are guilt-tripping you about not being your mother's cargiver anymore after ten years of it, they're not real friends.

You want to know how you handle this? By telling them it's none of their business how you feel about it and you see no reason to discuss it.

Were any of these so-called friends helping you with your mother over the last ten years? My guess is they weren't. You don't owe them explanations.
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