How do I handle friends who try to make me feel guilty about no longer being a primary caregiver to an aging parent?

Your friends do not have the right to comment on your situation or life.
boundaries - they havent walked in your shoes! and basically haven’t got a clue. I think you should talk to them
Set Boundaries
politely tell them that you find these questions upsetting and it wasn’t an easy decision- 10 years of. Caring has taken its toil on you and you are finding it hard to come to terms as well and Would appreciate it if the conversation on your mother be closed down.

you actually don’t need or have to justify yourself to anyone -
in your heart you know you have done your bit
10 years is an awfully long time to look after someone
if family feel anyway they can take on the responsibility now.
if you feel comfortable explaining your reasons behind your choices then do so-
maybe they are just curious
maybe…
sometimes I do feel guilty - it was the hardest decision I have ever had to make / but I know it is necessary for their well being - I can’t cope anymore
and add I feel a bit overwhelmed when this topic comes up - I’d appreciate it if we could close it down now.
My family have a choice to get involved in the care I’ve given last 10 years but I know she will be looked after and I am mentally and physically too tired to.
id rather not talk about this again - how about we discuss something positive or fun jnstead
or
I know you mean well but im
not comfortable discussing this right now. I hope you can respect that

some times people feel they have a right to have input into your life or just curious tactless talking
either way if you feel uncomfortable tell them and ask the subject not be raised again. Tactlessness questions even if they are just curious.

Develop the ability to respond to catty comments like this with equally catty comments and then just move on.

Them "Don't feel that you're off the hook now just because she moved away"

You "Ohh I don't feel off the hook in anyway, but also it's really not your place to express something like given it's none of your business"

Them "Do you feel guilty"

You "Not in the least just like I don't feel guilty telling you that this is none of your business"

Sorry we too have family/ friends that thinks that My wife and I, don’t do enough and pushed her aunt into a home so we don’t have to deal with her. They didn’t understand at first how much care was needed she went from being assisted living (in her own home) to three strokes/broken hip/ CHF- she needed 24/7 care and no family member or friend could step up to do this, which is ok!
It’s just ignorance, and have caused disunity in the family as they have no idea how much time energy is spent on caregiving!
How you answer those questions is with the truth! Believe me those that question are the very ones who do nothing and love to point fingers! If you do not feel you owe them an answer then say it I don’t owe you any explanation! My mother called that tough Love!

Find new ‘friends’. Anyone who judges you is not a friend. What is their stake in it unless they are also caring for a parents and are jealous of your freedom? As an only child and daughter of a narcissistic 93 year old mother, we just admitted her to AL due to a stroke. My friends are celebrating with me because although she lived alone to this point, my mother was miserable and demanding and mean and they shared my pain. Their support has been amazing. Enjoy your life. Go explore your freedoms. As retirees, we only have so much time ourselves. I don’t intend to have mine being a servant or being abused. any longer.

People have different experiences with caregiving… if we’ve been doing the hands on caregiving at home …& now in SNF as my 97 year old mother who is immobile, incontinent, agitated at times from dementia is, I, personally feel it’s much more stressful with mom in nursing home. I don’t feel “free” to do whatever…there’s been too many screwups at facility. I go daily unless I’m under the weather…I feed her, do her mouth care, sometimes even change diaper/clean her. Facility takes $$$ but is short staffed with little or short on supplies. I’m also fed up with dealing with a million idiots there as well as Atty who filed nursing home application asking for more $$$ all the time. I never know for sure if or when she gets the meds for agitation from dementia. One nurse will never give it and waits for me! Again, me and aide at home had a routine, my mom saw same faces, I was able to go to any appointments I made while aide was there…so while she’s been at facility, she got head bruise that they covered their a$$es , leg gash that needed stitches & bug 🪲 bites for 5 months. All incidents they were in Cover Their A$$ mode…Now she has skin breakdown on backside due to CNA not having cream ..they even asked me if I had cream..so I pay facility every month..& they don’t purchase enough supplies. I could go on and on..the point is I’m not relaxed now that mom is there. However, you’re lucky you have a sister who is willing to help. My brother helped other ways but no hands on caregiving. So try to understand other comments since they thought they were going to have freedom and relaxation but unfortunately don’t! Hugs 🤗

I can bet, they weren't/aren't caregivers to their aging parents either. Those that haven't experienced it, can no way put themselves in your shoes, but yet have the .most to say 😒. You deserve a life and not feel guilty about it. Its your turn now.

Are the so–called friends caregivers? Push back; they have zero concept of the burden you endured. Stand up to them as this judgment is complete and utter BULL$$$$. They are out of line. Enjoy your freedom. Savor happiness, you certainly earned it.

I also have friends who think they know how I should take care of my 91 yr old mom..I am in year 7 of her Lewy Body. They thought her recent move to a nursing home was a bad decision! It has been wonderful for me..More time for me..I was retired a couple of years when I became mom’s everything..and her POA. I am tired.. at 74… I need a life! I ignore stupid questions. No I am not feeling any guilt! Mom is safe, calm and well fed. I visit three times a week for 1-2 hrs.. we both are much happier. Ignore the stupid intrusive questions. Answer their questions with a question!

I think that some of these comments are a bit over the top in suggesting that you ditch these ‘not really friends’. Perhaps they had heard about these issues arising in caregiving situations, had no personal experience, and just wondered how it was going with you. Many carers find that 'friends' disappear because they aren't interested and don't want to know about caregiving. Unless you have so many friends that you can throw some away when they unfortunately say the wrong thing, my suggestion would be to forget about this interchange and get on with life.

Are these actually true Friends? These questions make me wonder whether they are envious, perhaps even resentful, that they are still 'stuck' in their particular marathons instead of praising your Ten-Year devotion. What is 'off the hook'? Mean, imho. You're still a daughter and have only changed roles not familial ties. How to answer them? "This what works best of OUR family." No need to explain, justify, rationalize. If these folks 'get over themselves' and can have reasonable discussions of elder care, engage if you want to; otherwise you owe them nothing. Nobody can fully comprehend elder care until they've 'been there.' Smile and say to these folks, "Mom is doing great."

These are questions from "friends"? Lord, I would hate to hear what your enemies might come up with. I have found that with boorish folks, trying to come up with clever or elaborate responses of justification are simply not worth the effort.
"Do you feel guilty?" Your response, "What an odd question...Why do you ask?"
Does your sister resent you now that she's doing it all? "What in the world would make you ask a question like that?"
And to the "don't feel you are off the hook" person, I would respond with...Deafening silence....If the questioner were to persist, I "might" ask, Please elaborate on exactly what you are getting at.....

Never cease to be amazed as the kind of crass behavior I see exhibited by so-called friends....

Honestly, I think you need to evaluate whether or not those people actually meet the criteria of "friend"; it doesn't sound like it. The first two questions could have been considered honest, awkward and insensitive questions. The statement makes me believe the people you are referring to are not friends but frenemies. The last thing a real friend would want to do to you knowing all that you have been through, is ask or make loaded statements during a sensitive time where you (probably are likely) feeling some kind of guilt. You have to have empathy in the first place to even take care of a parent like that. Were they in the thick with you caring for your parent? Did they ever step into help you? Maybe I'm feeling a little crunchy this morning, but I wonder if it is fair game to ask in return if they ever felt guilty for not chipping in as friends to help you during all those 10 years when you could have really needed them. Probably not worth it to retort that back. What I will say though is that this is likely a new time of introspection and easing into a new way of life. Maybe that should include re-evaluating what people are considered friends and / or how much access you allow certain people to you and your life. Friends are meant to be supportive and lift you up, and be glad to see you happy and soar in life; not make you feel bad. You have provided care for a DECADE. You have done nothing negligent.

People can be insensitive in their comments, even if they don't mean to be. And that last comment was very insensitive. People can also be nosey.
You have done a Herculean task out of love the last 10 years.
For the questions you get, you can reply "I feel happy that Mom is okay and I have a supportive sister". Or you can just give them a questioning look and ask "why in the world would you think I need to feel guilty?".
The people who are closest to you know your journey with your Mom, and should respect that.

Maybe it is time turn those questions back to the ones asking the questions. "Why do you say.....?" "What do you mean by....?"
Maybe treat their questions as poorly stated offers of help. By asking... are you really asking if you can help with...?
Maybe treat their questions as poorly stated requests for advice. They may need advice on how to cope with this situation when it is their turn.
No matter what others say, you can t be offended, hurt, made to feel guilty... unless you "own" it. If the statement isn't true, don't own it. Let them know the truth as kindly as possible. Try to change subjects to ones that are more pleasant and don't bring up your mom - especially if the conversation seems to always go down this road. If you find that these friends keep to this vein of conversation, it might be better to distance yourself a bit from them and more spend time with friends who are more encouraging.

Know that no one can 'make' you feel any way.
You decide to feel as you do.
Your friends will have their opinions and that is what they are - their opinion.
If you decide to take 'in' emotionally and psychological what they say to you, this is your decision. You can reject their 'opinions' and/or comments.

For instance, if a person says xxx, 10 people can hear it 10 different ways ... because it is how the person on the receiving end hears it / takes it in which is up to you.

Furthermore, if my friends talked to me in ways you express you friends talk to you, they wouldn't be my friends anymore. They are not 'friends' -

How to deal with it?
- Listen to your gut.
- Stop being around 'these' kinds of friends (non-supportive)
- To answer their question - which you do not have to do by the way: No, I do not feel guilty.
- Realize that you do not need to defend yourself nor your actions / behavior.
... and you can tell them this: I DO NOT NEED TO DEFEND MYSELF NOR THE DECISIONS I'VE MADE - to anyone.

This is one way to effectively deal with all of this ...
And, evaluate what a 'friend' is and means to you.
I would encourage you to get into therapy to learn to love yourself.
When you love yourself, you do not give your personal power away to others.
There is a saying: "what you think of me is your business." (It / others' opinions about you have nothing to do with you. . . although some feedback could be valuable (you have to decide).

Learn to set boundaries.
I do not want to discuss this.
If you cannot support me in my decision making, do not say anything at all.
Your comments or questioning my decisions is unacceptable (setting a major boundary here ... in essence, you will be telling them to KEEP QUIET - be my friend or leave).

Or you leave. Do not allow yourself to be emotionally beat up. Get up and leave. Or if a phone call. I am hanging up now. Your questions are insensitive, hurtful, and unacceptable. I am exhausted. If you cannot understand this, then you aren't really my friend(s)."

You have to assert yourself. Even if it feels uncomfortable. As another saying goes, "with friends like you, I don't need enemies."

Friends support each other.
They may be totally unaware of how they are relating to you, due to their own lack of self-awareness. Whatever the situation, find new friends. You deserve much better.

If they are so ... ignorant as to not understand what you've already done / been through for the past 10 years ... then ... why would you call them your friends?

You need to develop a back-bone.

You could also figure out what - or how they COULD support you and tell them ... as they may not know. "If you want to support me, this is what I need from you 1. 2. 3.

Could be:
1. Just listen
2. Do not give me advice
3. If you can't be kind and compassionate towards me, then do not say anything at all. (some won't ... and that is a plus for you).

You will be educating them if they are open to hearing you.
They may not be and that is MORE THAN OKAY.

You do not want people in your life that tear you down and do not know how to be supportive.

First, you need to develop a emotional separation between what they say and how you 'take it' in - in other words. Put up an emotional barrier from taking it in (if mean spirited, confrontational, negative). You learn to do this by practicing it. Fumble around and that is fine. This is new behavior for you. They may look at you like a 'deer in the headlights' - they won't know what's up with you. Its called self-love ... self-respect. ... and learning how to set boundaries.

Do not fear losing their friendship. Many people are 'people pleasers' due to not wanting an other person not liking them and possibly rejecting them. This is giving your personal power away ... what matters is that you love yourself.

10 years ... and they don't get. We, here, get it. We've been through it.

Gena / Touch Matters

Or never complain never explain. And don’t let people guilt you.
Everyone post caregiving should be unapologetically selfish.
You deserve it.

Simple answers:
‘Do you feel guilty?’ - No
‘Does your sister resent you because she’s doing it all now?’ - I have no idea.
‘Don’t feel that you’re off the hook now just because she moved away.’ - Are you trying to be helpful?

I think 'Mind Your Own Business' is also appropriate. These are all reasonable questions, because some people DO encounter those feelings, but 'friendly inquiries' make it worse.

I’d tell these people…..

“ Mom is where she can get a higher level of care by professionals . You have not been in my shoes the last 10 years. Your comments prove that you have little understanding of my situation . “

Then I’d get new friends .

Friends and family are entitled to think what they want. You need to live your life for you and no one else. You paid your dues.

If you can’t handle your friends’ comments, find new friends. Because if they are not supportive, then they are not your friends.

Enjoy your freedom, you deserve it.

For me I really don’t care what anyone thinks. After my part time caregiving slog for my dad is over I will be living out my senior years being selfish. I have paid my dues in spades.

I can identify with this. After being my father’s caregiver for over 20 years, he finally moved to a facility last year in May. I have been the object of much criticism since then mostly from his friends and some family. I have been talked about in my town like I’m a monster. I deal with this by keeping my circle small . I do have a few friends who understand and support me. You are going to have to tell people that it is none of their concern. When they ask if you feel guilty just say that you are not going to discuss your feelings. You have done what you could for your mother. Try not let people make you feel guilty because they will definitely try. Also you need to limit your time or cutoff the time you associate with the friends that are asking these questions.

Ten years is a long time to take care of anybody. You can love a person, but after awhile, you get tired. The relationship is no longer husband/wife or adult child/parent but caregiver to an elderly and infirmed person.

I hope you find a good social circle and meet an array of healthier people other than these judgmental and false guilt producing people you wrote about.

Please enjoy your retirement and take that trip or cruise that long awaits you. Come here and tell us how much you enjoyed it on aging care so I can live vicariously through you.

I love stories of people who are finally free to live their years in freedom and with peace.

Danielle, if you were my friend, we would be planning a fabulous city break right now. I would be so pleased that you have your life back and that your mum is safe and sound, being cared for elsewhere. That's how a friend responds to a situation such as yours.

I would use a combination of the replies that others have given, ones that fit your personality and how you talk.
Personally, I would pick the reply about guilt being inappropriate, as you didn't cause your mum to grow old and develop dementia.
I would say, in a tone that shows how disgusted I am by the question, "Excuse me? Did you hear those words come out of your mouth? I can hardly believe that I did."
I would add that I'm sorry my "friend" has such toxic relationships if she thinks resentment is an appropriate response to sisters sharing caregiving duties.

And I would seriously reconsider how much I need such people as friends.

Danielle123: Prayers sent.

These are "friends"? If so--yikes. The enemies must be especially brutal.

I am at the point in my life now where I will tell someone--anyone--to mind their business, and to not dare ask me questions like that unless their insistence means they are ready for me to ask some hard questions of my own. So:

Q: Do you feel guilty?
A: I spent 10 years of my life caring for my mom out of love, not obligation--so I have nothing to feel guilty about. Do YOU feel guilty about something? Is that why you're asking?

Q: Does your sister resent you because she’s doing it all now?
A: I never posed such a question to her, because why would she feel that way? Would you like me to call her and ask her if she does, and let her know YOU want to know that?

Q: Don’t feel that you’re off the hook now just because she moved away.
A: Hold that thought. I'm going to go brew some tea. And while I do, you can prepare to answer 1) what you mean by being on or off the hook and 2) why the hell you think you can ask me something so crass, hateful and myopic. Be right back.

Give as good as you get. Alternately, just have a blanket statement ready: "That question is inappropriate and for the sake of our friendship I'm willing to ignore it once. Asking something like that again will communicate you don't care about our friendship OR me, and I will act accordingly and cut ties with you." Full stop, that's it. It says so much they feel it's okay to talk to you like that!

I am always curious about why people do/say the things they do. I might be tempted to ask them to help me figure it out. “Do you have an aging loved one?” “How do you think you would feel after ten years of caring for them?” “Who takes care of your mom/dad? Do you think they resent you?”

If these questions offended them, oh well. But I think cutting them off is fine too if that’s what you decide.

I remember an old Ann Landers mantra for rude questions. "I beg your pardon?" Followed with "Why did you say that?" That puts the pressure back on the person to reflect on the rudeness If in a crowded room, where many might have heard, it could be appropriate to say it in a loud voice so that others don't fear to thread.

Tell those stupid beotches "NO I DON'T feel guilty" I did it for 10 years and it's time for some help and someone else to take the wheel." You might want to give them some guild by saying "I cannot believe you are saying that to me." Now go take a vacation somewhere...you deserve it.

First of all, if these people are guilt-tripping you about not being your mother's cargiver anymore after ten years of it, they're not real friends.

You want to know how you handle this? By telling them it's none of their business how you feel about it and you see no reason to discuss it.

Were any of these so-called friends helping you with your mother over the last ten years? My guess is they weren't. You don't owe them explanations.

No one knows until they have to care for someone. I like order and there is no order when Dementia is involved. I had my guilt but the freedom was nice. I still had to get her toiletries and visit but I could go home and do what I wanted. TG my Mom adjusted well. I too was in the beginning of retirement.

Mom is in a retirement home, how much care is your sister doing? These friends aren't friends. And no, you feel no guilt, you have done your time. Mom is now safe in a Senior home. Your sister has very little care. And you visit and help when you can. Its working for everyone. I had a friend say to me "I took care of my Mom" "Good for you".

I would say, no I don’t feel guilty. Why would I? I gave 10 years and it is my sister’s turn. Do you feel guilty since you didn’t help me more?