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As some of you know, I was the primary caregiver to my 94-year old mother for 10 years during which time her needs exponentially increased while she lived in her apartment. In November, she finally moved to a retirement home in another city, and my sister is now the primary caregiver. I still visit and help as I can although my role has become limited as I live too far away.
I just finished cleaning out Mom’s apartment in December, and handed the keys back two weeks ago. I am exhausted and relieved that this is finally over for me.
The issue is that I have two friends who are trying to make me feel guilty that my life has now gotten easier. I feel as though I just completed a 10-year marathon (during the first 10 years of my retirement, I might add). I was tethered to an aging parent, unable to travel, with a derailed retirement, and the sense that my life was not truly my own.
How do I handle these types of questions: ‘Do you feel guilty?’ ‘Does your sister resent you because she’s doing it all now?’
There was also a statement that bothered me: ‘Don’t feel that you’re off the hook now just because she moved away.’
I don’t know how to effectively deal with any of this.

Don't deal with it. Real friends do not treat you this way. They rejoice WITH you that a decade of your life has finally ended with you alive and intact, thank God. I'd cut them out of my life if they were my friends, and consider them part of the decade that's now behind you. The Last thing you need now is more nonsense to contend with!

Live your life now, free of all burdens.
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Danielle123 Jan 18, 2025
I agree. Real friends would rejoice with me.
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I would say, no I don’t feel guilty. Why would I? I gave 10 years and it is my sister’s turn. Do you feel guilty since you didn’t help me more?
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LostinPlace 4 hours ago
Right on!
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With friends like these, you don’t need enemies! I suggest you find new friends who support and encourage you. You’ve been through enough misery to last for a lifetime, and you deserve friends who understand and don’t try to bring you down. They’re out there, and once you ditch these idiots, you’ll have time to go looking for better besties!
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BurntCaregiver Jan 19, 2025
Amen to that, Fawnby.
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Danielle, are you SERIOUS?
These are people you call your friends?
These are abusers! What in the world made you choose THEM as friends.
But to answer:
When someone says:
"Do you feel guilty" you say: "Guilt requires causation. I didn't cause this; I can't fix it"
When someone says:
"Does your sister resent you" you say: "Were you molested as a child?

And for the real CHERRY on the Sundae: "Don't feel you're off the hook now just because she's moved away" YOU say "Don't think you are a good person, because you are really a S - - -."

How's that?
No one MAKES you feel ANYTHING. You aren't some doll to stick pins into. And you aren't at the mercy of evil people. Which is EXACTLY what these crones are. EVIL!
Like I have said here and you have read. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it. You did your time, and more than I would EVER have done. You are a human being and not a God and not a Saint. And wow, girl, neither are your friends.
The ABSOLUTE NERVE OF THEM. That's what you need to say. You need to look them right into the eyes, shake your finger in their faces and say: "THE. absolute. nerve. of. you. You should be ASHAMED of yourself."

Now, stop thinking about all this and get out there and get some DECENT friends. LORDY! Tell me these aren't CHURCH friends.
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Danielle123 Jan 18, 2025
Not church friends, but people who I will now distance myself from.

Thanks, AlvaDeer.
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They aren't your friends. Dump them and spend time with friends who understand and respect you. The older we get, the less time we have to waste on people like this. Do all those things that you had to put off, and do them with a clear conscience. You deserve the best!
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Danielle123 Jan 19, 2025
You’re right. Real friends would be understanding and respectful.
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You owe them no explanation or discussion. They will never understand unless and until they walk where you’ve been. Simply reply that you and mom are both doing well, thanks for your concern, and now you’re ready for other topics
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Danielle123 Jan 25, 2025
Daughterof1930, I like that: to the point. No explanation or discussion.
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These aren't friends. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
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Reply to Dogwood63
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Ten years is a long time to take care of anybody. You can love a person, but after awhile, you get tired. The relationship is no longer husband/wife or adult child/parent but caregiver to an elderly and infirmed person.

I hope you find a good social circle and meet an array of healthier people other than these judgmental and false guilt producing people you wrote about.

Please enjoy your retirement and take that trip or cruise that long awaits you. Come here and tell us how much you enjoyed it on aging care so I can live vicariously through you.

I love stories of people who are finally free to live their years in freedom and with peace.
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Danielle123 Jan 25, 2025
Thanks for this, Scampie1. I am still figuring out what comes next, but glad to finally be out of the caregiving role.

After what I’ve been through during these 10 years with Mom, my bandwidth for guilt-inducing friends is very small. Fortunately, I have other friends who are supportive.

This site helped me when I needed it.

For that reason, I still like to come on here frequently to offer what support I can to caregivers.

I wish us all peace and freedom.
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I’d tell these people…..

“ Mom is where she can get a higher level of care by professionals . You have not been in my shoes the last 10 years. Your comments prove that you have little understanding of my situation . “

Then I’d get new friends .
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Reply to waytomisery
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Friends and family are entitled to think what they want. You need to live your life for you and no one else. You paid your dues.

If you can’t handle your friends’ comments, find new friends. Because if they are not supportive, then they are not your friends.

Enjoy your freedom, you deserve it.

For me I really don’t care what anyone thinks. After my part time caregiving slog for my dad is over I will be living out my senior years being selfish. I have paid my dues in spades.
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Danielle123 Jan 27, 2025
I have read your posts, and know that you have paid your dues.

Wishing you freedom and peace.
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