Father in law is healthy and takes care of her now. Her motor skills are declining rapidly due to strokes & Alzheimer’s. I have been a caregiver to my Mother who is in assisted living now. I can’t bear the thought of having more trauma at my home but feel guilty and ashamed to say no. I never got along good with father in law. They have a daughter who lives nearby.
That's how you handle it. By being upfront and honest right from the get go, so there's no hinting around or cracks to sneak in through. I put my own foot down LONG ago about my decision that NOBODY would be moving in with me for care in their old age. Sorry not sorry. My mother and I have a relationship like gasoline and a match so living with her once was more than enough. I've done everything in my power to help my folks get set up in Independent Living, then Assisted Living, and now in Memory Care for my 94 year old mother with advanced dementia. I've stood my ground and it's been a very wise decision on my part. No shame in it, either. Why should there be? Elder care normally requires a TEAM of people working round the clock to ensure it's done properly. Not one or two old people struggling THEMSELVES to care for one or two much OLDER people who require constant care, attention and supervision. It's just common sense, really.
Best of luck standing your ground
She had let her Mother stay before, so there was a precedent too - like the OP here. But, Mother was a fully functioning completely independent younger lady. MIL was older, had numerous medical issues (inc unstable CCF) very poor mobility, un-dx cog decline/dementia & regular incontinence. Not comparing apples with apples at all!
Family said it would be *nice* to help MIL, to take her in & look after her. When you whittled down which 'family' members would do the hands-on... whoa...silence...all busy working, raising kids, lived interstate. That left the ONE person (who wrote the saga out here). The one that already said no.
It was NOT a nice idea at all.. it was completely bonkers. *Magical Thinking*
I feel here for the OP is the same. Moving into their guest apt may look a *nice* idea on paper. But the reality is DH will work/hobbies/busy being a man, SIL will pop in & out. The OP lives there so it will get dropped on her - full force.
Do not let them in.
The OP is right to trust her instincts & has every right to say no.
Do not extend your hand with a crumb. Your hand will be bitten, your arm ripped off, then caged to become a servant. Harsh? Yes. But it happens.
It is even more unrealistic for an in-law to expect a daughter-in-law to be their caretaker.
This is your husband's problem, not yours.
Will he take care of his own mother, on his own, if she moves in???? if not, he can help his father make other plans, or he can choose to walk away.
Life is complicated for everyone young or old.
People should not have children because they want to grow their own elder-care nurse maids.
They should plan ahead or apply for medicaid, if they can not afford their own care.
I hear horror stories daily of people who blew their life savings on traveling extensively in their old age, yet, they expect their financially struggling children to bail them out in the end.
I also hear of men who spend their retirement savings on much younger lady friends only to have these women leave them when their is nothing left but a dried financial husk.
At that point they expect their children to care for them.
Don't let misplaced guilt force you into a position you are not financially or emotionally prepared to accept.
I am facing a similar, but different situation. My son in finally in a locked mental health ward, hopefully he will have a diagnosis, medication and follow up support when he is discharged. But I have made it clear to the SW in the hospital that he cannot live with me.
You need to be open with the family but also firm in your resolve. Actually let me rephrase that. Your husband, has to step up and clearly state to his parents and sister, that do to the toll of your mother living in your home, the two of you have decided that you will not consider anyone, including his parents living in the apartment. No further explanation, nor discussion is needed.
He needs to make this very clear, so his parents can look for other options.
There is no shame in looking after yourself, there should be no guilt in saying No.
OR you can go ahead and let them run the show and have another nervous breakdown.
There is really very little in between, and if you cannot stand up for yourself I think no one else can do it for you. I know this sounds brutal, But that's the only answer. Not everything can be all tied up with a pretty bow. Some things just don't have a clean and neat "fixed" at the end of the day.I surely do wish you well.
I understand exactly what you're going through and there are a lot of us who have the very same situation. It's a blessing that you don't live with her.
I live in the same house with my mother and my life is a wretched hell on earth. Endless complaining, fight-picking, gaslighting, brow-beating, and guilt-tripping. It's not because she's elderly. This has been so pretty much my whole life, only worsened now because she's elderly.
I totally understand where you're coming from.
You are so right. Practice builds confidence.
It's called "self preservation" or self interest.
Selfish means that you won't share what it costs you nothing to share. Having your in-laws reside there will mean you are at their beck and call, will have no privacy and will have loud noise invading your space.
I think it is your in-laws who are selfish, expecting you to put your fragile health in danger on their account.
They are not without resources, they have 2 homes, for crying out loud.
As FIL ages, he will NOT be able to care for her without the assistance of AL.
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