As an alcoholic in recovery, I recognized that contact with my parents is incredibly destabilizing for me, and that it's easy to forget this. Just like I can know I can never drink again and yet still have cravings. I know how bad it can be with my parents, like ending up in the mental hospital and losing my job bad, but I still feel a societal push and internal blood relation pull to make sure they are ok. I recently tried being just in contact with my mom and it's been quite bad. I understand that both are malignant narcissists willing to harm me to get what they want in the moment. Because my mom is a super smart psychiatrist she can really mess with my head.
Thanks to this forum I am going no-contact with both and making adult protective services reports for both. I understand the phenomenon of the abuse cycle and how it can take many tries to break out, and you can think it will be different this time. I want to be done with abuse and live my life well.
I feel for my younger brother who is financially and otherwise enmeshed and still on that abuse cycle with them. I know that all I can do its take care of myself and try to be there for him if he wants to get well.
So far, I've told my Al Anon sponsor, my partner and my therapist that I'm going no-contact and would appreciate their help remembering why in case I "relapse". I've been going to ACA but also sometimes get triggered in those meetings. If anyone has any suggestions about how to stay out of the abuse cycle for good, I would love to hear them.
Thanks.
I hope everyone will take the time to read your words.
There are lessons to be learned from your post. You are the ideal person to teach these lessons to others.
Sadly, some people consider addiction to be a moral issue. It isn’t. It’s a disease.
Genetics and environment can play a role, but there are many different factors that are associated with addiction.
No one should ever judge or shame you.
No one wakes up in the morning and says, “Gee, I think I will become an addict today.”
I congratulate you on your sobriety and having a sponsor in AA.
Gaining sobriety isn’t easy. It will never be easy. You will remain being vulnerable, if you are exposed to overwhelming stress.
You are doing the best thing by cutting off contact with your parents in order to protect yourself.
Don’t second guess yourself. Lean on your sponsor for support as well other support systems.
Believing in a higher power is part of the AA process. As you know, this doesn’t have to be connected to religious beliefs.
Continue to believe that there is something (whatever you choose to believe) is larger than yourself to guide you through this journey.
You may want to journal your thoughts to track your emotions.
I am really sorry that your parents caused such pain in your life. I am sorry for your brother who is still exposed to their abuse. Hopefully, he will be free one day like you are.
I wish you peace and joy in your life. You deserve it. Take care of yourself.
Another great way is to move across the country, and I am serious about there. The marvelous support system of AA is in every city of any size in our country.
This moving will help you from slipping a lot, and I recommend all the time to our OPs that when they are grown children they consider moving at least one state away from their parents.
I would give up diagnosing your parents or labeling them. That isn't your job. Your mom may be qualfied to diagnosis people; you probably aren't. It will be healthy when you realize that whatever difficult childhood traumas you have survived you are far from alone in that. Now you are taking charge of being a responsible grownup who is responsible for your own life.
That you are afraid you may may "slip back" says that you feel still that your parents have some magical control over you that they do not have. You may want a good solid cognitive therapist to help change some of your habitual thinking.
I can't say how much I admire your determination to stop drinking, to get help, to stop doing things that you know self-sabotage your recovery.
Stick close to AA. You may be one of those 1 meeting a day folks until you feel more able to handle your inclinations to return to the habits that harmed you.
Hopefully you told your parents that you need now some time away from them and some time in recovery. That you are going to be no contact and that you will do this so long as you feel it necessary to your recovery. That you understand that this may not be their wishes, or that they may not agree with this, but that you are now taking charge of your own life as any adult must.
Do refer them to Al-Anon, because I don't care how high power a great shrink your mom is, Al-Anon is great at telling families how to help you and how to help themselves.
My best out to you. Again, my congratulations. I encourage you to journal. And I encourage you after a month to look back and see how often you talk about THEM. These OTHERS whose lives are not in your control nor your business. Then see how often you talk about YOURSELF. Your plans, your hobbies, your hopes, your dreams. It's time to change entire ways of thinking that led you where you ended up. That's going to be so very much WORK that you won't have a lot of time to think about these "others" who once "ruled" your life.
As to your bro, you can "feel" for him, as you say, but please do not INTERFERE with him just as you don't wish your parents interfereing with YOU. His path is his path. You are in way too much trouble now to assist others on their own path, and when/if you rise to that level as an alcoholic who is ready to sponsor others, it would be best that NEVER be a family member.
I don't get the impression how much this is about "aging care" anymore unless your parents are aging. They should have funds to provide for their care, if that's the case. Do know that Facebook and other Forums are just full of supportive groups. Your sponsor can guide you to some.
Congratulations on your sobriety, that's huge!! Be proud of yourself, enjoy your sober life, and stay away from the people that hurt you and contributed to your drinking.
You deserve better, better people and a good life! Best of luck
If you live in the same city or state, perhaps it's best you move(like Alva always says)1000 miles a way. That should make it easier for you. You know the saying...out of sight out of mind. Worth a shot anyway.
I suffered great abuse from both my parents, and did move many states away(not quite 1000 miles, but almost 900)years ago, and that was not only the best thing I did for myself, but also for my children.
We have to do whatever we need to to protect our mental health and in your case your sobriety as well.
Perhaps even going as far as deleting their phone numbers in your phone along with their email addresses. That way when you're tempted to reach out, their numbers/emails not being available will be your "no contact" reminder.
Please do whatever it takes to protect yourself and your mental health now, as you're still quite fragile in your sobriety journey.
I wish you the very best as you slowly but surely walk into your new healthy life.
The best way to stay out of the abuse cycle is to just stay out. Have nothing to do with those who would harm you. If you think how much fun it would be to get together with them, run through your mind how it felt when you were suffering from what they put you through. That should feel like the equivalent of stepping on nails! Imagine the rest of your life being around them. Realize that you don't want that pain ever again.
Good luck. It might be easier than you think it will be.