I helped my mom move to an assisted living facility near me last year, several states away from her home. She had been declining physically and mentally and was struggling to live alone, far from family. A fall that greatly reduced her mobility triggered the move. She can no longer bathe independently and does not have the strength or balance to do things like fix a meal or do laundry. She is very high risk for falls. I work full time, have young children, and my house is not accessible. Our options were to try to move to a larger, more accessible house and move her in with us and set up in-home care or find an assisted living facility for her. We talked through the options and Mom agreed assisted living was the best option. She had received in-home care after her other falls and it didn’t feel sufficient after her last fall to manage her new limitations. She’s also very social and would be lonely while we were at work all day.After a year, while it’s not perfect, I can say she is receiving fantastic care in assisted living. The staff is wonderful and caring. Overall it’s been very positive and while I know she wishes she was back in her old community, she does feel safe and the stress she was living with before is wayyyy down. It’s making the best of the hands we were dealt.As you can imagine, getting to this place of stability and safety has been an absolute marathon for me, from emergency caregiving, paperwork, selling properties, setting up insurance, transferring medical records, etc. But I find there is such a stigma associated with moving your parent to a care facility and no support or recognition that it can be the most caring option. When I do talk about our situation I find people assume I gave up caring for her when in fact between visits and taking her to appointments I spend quite a lot of time and energy on Mom. People often say oh she should try independent living instead (she’s way past that) as if it’s still up in the air. I hear, “I could never do that” or “my mom would hate that.” Extended family came to visit recently and I thought finally I would receive some support from people who really know what mom has been through and how difficult the past few years have been. Instead I heard “does she really have to live there?? Isn’t there somewhere else she could go?” because it’s just “too depressing” for her to be there mixed in with mild dementia patients that can be disruptive and struggle to carry on a conversation. I do reassure myself that mom is safe and well-cared for and I know I’m doing right by her. The tragedy is not that she lives there, it’s that her health nosedived and she needs to be there. Most people have never been through this and have no idea how difficult it is so it’s mostly ignorance but it feels like judgement.I’m just wondering how you all who have been through this find support.
Ignore the armchair critics or ask them when THEY are stepping up to care for your mom? You'll never hear another comment again, trust me! 🤣
We moved to a single level, no stairs, no obstacles, close to everything we need manufactured home 14 years ago. That was a wise move, as we both have some mobility limitations now. My husband no longer drives at all, and I self-limit my driving (e.g., no freeways, unfamiliar areas or night driving). We have a hired housecleaner every other week as well as seasonal yard help and maintenance assistance. We manage our own finances and pay our own bills.
Our youngest son (62) and his wife help us, especially with technology and heavy trash cans, but so far we have not needed to call on them often. We are careful not to ask for help unless it's absolutely necessary. When we do, we emphasize that it's on their schedule and convenience (the rare emergency excepted).
O.K., what's the catch? Excess longevity! Neither of us ever anticipated living as long as we have. But here we are! We will continue to do our best to remain as independent as possible. That said, we will try to accept with a measure of grace the need to move into AL or MC if/when we can no longer manage. Personally, however, I hope to make my Final Exit before that becomes necessary. And before we run out of money!!! Yes, many elders probably are concerned about what will become of them--in an old-old age they could not have fully anticipated or prepared for--with good reason. All we can do is the best we can.
I never bought up my LO's in AL so it was not on the table for discussion. My family could care less as long as they did not have to do anything.
What others think about me is not my business.
why not live in a nice place with food prepared, your apartment cleaned, activities, helpers to give me assistance, and people to socialize with ?
ignore those bad-talkers and remember what i just said. They are ugly people who are not your friends.
You've done an absolutely marvellous job getting everything set up for your mom. Well done!!
Seems like the comments you're getting are from people projecting the worries they have about ageing themselves. It's rude and offensive but they don't understand how these comments affect you. They're just blurting out their own fears for themselves. Think of goats bleating whenever you hear that bullcrap from others. Maybe you will even laugh out loud.
Try to limit your interaction with these folks for awhile and work on your own equilibrium. Don't let them rock your boat. Get more well deserved rest and do things that make you happy - forget about those swine. ;-)
If it comes again, you say “Well I suggested that you could take her out for a weekend, and you didn’t seem to be interested. Let me know if you change your mind”. Let them try to justify their position. You don't have to justify your own.
My mother is very happy in her AL. She picked it out herself, starting in Independent Living. She is very social and enjoys all the activities being with her friends. Now that she and most of her friends can no longer drive, she would be miserable at home with only a caregiver and occasional visitors. I am so grateful she planned ahead.
Now, for the people sharing their less than favorable opinions with you about your mom in AL, they are fools, and their opinions are worth nothing, so don't give them a second thought. If they have nothing nice or actually helpful to say to you, they should stay silent.
The quote "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.", often attributed to Abraham Lincoln, is very fitting in this case.
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