Hi guys, I know this would be a question better posed to a therapist, but unfortunately I am deep in the middle of managing this crisis with my dad‘s health and living situation and there’s just not enough hours in the day for me to seek therapy among working all my jobs and managing my dad‘s recent hospitalization-turned-rehab-turned-private pay in a skilled nursing facility, still trying to get a diagnosis on his cognition decline, all while I’m living across the country from him.
But I just have to ask, how do you guys manage with the waves of frustration and anger that come up? I love my dad very much. He was a great father growing up, but we were always kind of a bit of an island as a family of 3. I always felt like an outsider, and everybody was always kind of taking me in as their stray child, and I always resented not being part of a big family. I had a great childhood, but I kind of always knew down the line things would get more difficult for me once I got older and had to handle these kinds of situations. It doesn’t help we have a tiny family to begin with, so it’s not like some situations where I would have a lot of cousins or whatever to lean on. I know having family doesn’t guarantee help in situations like this, I have friends who tell me that. But there’s something about being completely alone in the situation that is just so upsetting.
Anyway, we’re at the point now where my dad is able to call out once a day to me, I am his only person. He has set his life up once my mom passed away 12 years ago, even prior to that, to being an isolationist. Not doing anything social, not making an effort to make or maintain friendships, just kind of doing his own thing day in and day out and not fostering or nurturing any type of outside relationships. I haven’t lived near him in many years, I have my own life, I work very hard, I have three jobs and I work six days a week because I need to. We’ve never had any money, so I have to work twice as hard to make sure I stay afloat in my own life.
I get really angry and frustrated when I talk to him on the phone these days, and he says things like “I’m doing OK today, the only thing that’s missing is you here with me.” I know that’s very sweet and very emotional, but I can’t help but get angry because I feel like I can’t be the only reason for him to go on. It’s not fair to me. I don’t think he realizes the mountains I’ve had to move in the last month to make sure things are settled in a bit with his situation, taking over his bills, taking over managing his health situation, getting ready to sell his house if needed for the assets to pay for his care, all well knowing absolutely nothing about Medicare and Medicaid, the way hospitals and nursing homes work, the legal end of things, now real estate in dealing with the house. I’m very overwhelmed and I’m angry that I’m in this position, but I’ve come to acceptance to a degree with that. It’s just constant little things that are said that make me feel guilty for living my own life and choosing to be living somewhere different and doing what I need to do in my own life every day. I can’t understand how he can’t understand that even if he were closer to me, I really wouldn’t see him much more than I’m seeing him now. I’m exhausted. I’m not getting any sleep, and then I have to literally be out of the house for work six days a week. I get one day to myself. I’m sorry but it’s just the way the situation is and I just don’t understand why he can’t see where I’m coming from and not make me feel sad and guilty every time we talk for not being there with him physically. I’m 42, I still have a lot of life (theoretically) left to live that I have to be able to pay for, the cost of living is through the roof right now and if I fail, who’s going to bail me out? There’s no one left, no family or anything. I know that sounds harsh and cruel and not very thoughtful but it’s facts! Argh. I feel like a terrible person.
Take excellent care of yourself first and do what is possible for him second. As you wisely pointed out you won’t be able to do anything to better his situation if you kill yourself in the process.
I wonder if you might be able to find a geriatric care manager, local to your father, who can help. I have no personal experience, but know a couple people who have used someone to help them get through the early stage of parental crisis when they lived long-distance.
https://www.aginglifecare.org/
Also, be careful to avoid spending your own money on your dad's expenses. As you said, you'll need that to take care of yourself in the future. An elder care attorney local to him could do a consultation on Zoom, if you think that would help.
Hang in there. I know you don't feel like you have a choice. You've been amazing. You will come out of the tunnel into the light, even though that seems far away right now.
When you have aging parents, you make a decision to help them or not help them. Yes, frustration goes with the territory. In managed care with no visitors, they ARE lonely. When dementia starts eating their brains, they forget they had visitors 5 minutes after the visitors leave. They're scared. We're burned out, especially those of us with boots on the ground POA responsibilities for EVERY decision on their behalf. Trips to hospitals and dentists and ENTs for chronic vertigo and specialists and rehabs and oncologists and then multiply that by 2.
We all feel guilt from time to time, especially when being told we're not doing enough and there is still a huge amount of unhappiness in our parents lives. Even when we live down the street and have done everythi g humanly possible for them, in person. Then we feel angry too. It goes with the territory too. But it doesn't compare with what THEY feel being old and sick and scared. Remember that. And realize how fortunate you are to be far away from the everyday crises you would be facing were you down the street.
And my suggestion is to plan a surprise trip to see dad in person soon. You don't want the next time you see him to be at his funeral.
As I told you in other notes, I cared for all my brothers POA/Trustee, long distance. Within the state, so easily got to by plane, but that's a burden even when retired.
For himself, he was quite monk-like and self- contained in his very ordered life prior to placement. He had to adapt and adjust and once said to me "Hon, it's a bit like when I was young and in the army; I don't much like it, but I am making the best of it". He started going to bingo, going to game night, going out on the bus tours of homes of the stars, going to the mall for coffee and bookstore, going to library. Going to movies. BEFORE COVID hit. And he died in those years.
Here's the thing.
You are alone; this is new to you. You are frightened.
DAD is alone. This is new to him; he's frightened and feels dependent on you.
That's the long and short of it and that's TRUE, and no amount of therapy will change that. This is hard work and hard readjustment.
So you will be down now to this:
1. YOU are not responsible for DAD'S happiness.
2. This is not a happy time; it's quite unlikely that a whole lot of happiness will be involved now for either or you in any circumstances while he finishes out his life.
3. You will do what you can, but you cannot do it all. Some must be hired out. Whether that means a fiduciary or what remains to be seen.
4. Day at a time. Stay out of the past. Don't go beyond near as to future.
5. You need to send a copy of the serenity prayer to Dad in form of poster for his room. You need to write it out and paste it everywhere in your house. This atheist kind of LIVES it now.
6. You need to let Dad know that plans to live far apart were made long ago and won't change now just because you wish you could see one another more. It is too late to move your life to him. It is too late for him to move his to you. You must both now make do with what you can do. If wishes were fishes this wouldn't be reality.
I already did tell you that taking this on long distance will be a crucible. Horrible. And will entail flights, and honestly more than can be managed by a working person.
I am really sorry, but all in all, for this being so new, you are getting ducks in a row and you are handling this RESPONSIBLY the best it can be handled. So cut yourself from slack and pat your own back a bit.
And know YOU CANNOT CHANGE these things. You can only manage now best you are able. And you aren't God or even a Saint. Like I said, ugly job description anyway.
This will be better in a year. Things will fall into their slots. You will get some contentment (or not). You will learn more than you ever wanted to know.
Your dad has chosen to be an isolationist.
You can not change that.
He can not nor should he rely on you as his social contact.
For him to expect more of you than you can give or do is unfair.
You have to establish your boundaries and stick to them and it sounds like you are doing a good job of doing just that. Don't back down.
If you are concerned that he is not doing well physically or emotionally you can call APS and ask for a check on him. They would be the first step in helping to determine if she should be living alone.
Do you have POA if something were to happen and you had to make decisions for him?
If not and he is willing it is better to get that done rather than having to go to court to obtain Guardianship. And you do not have to become his Guardian. If there are other family members one of them can be Guardian or the Court can appoint a Guardian. (there are pros and cons to both)
You are not a terrible person, you are one that knows what you can and can not do and that puts you in a better position than many others.