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My mother and I have NEVER gotten along, and I can safely say she has never liked me as a person, although she claims to "love" me. My step father died in March 2023, and without even asking, it was just assumed my mother would live with me and my husband temporarily.Temporarily is absolutely not temporary to her. She intends to stay put.It is awkward and tense. She picks fights with me all the time (usually just me, but occasionally in front of my 3 year old granddaughter who I care for a few days a week. she does it when it's just me because that way she can paint me to be unstable and cruel and unhinged if I dare to react, which I rarely do). My husband is miserable and sits in the basement all night to avoid her. I don't see my friends anymore because I feel like SUCH a drag to be around. I cry daily, and I am NOT an emotional person. And ot make it worse, my brother, who is 11 years older than me and with whom I have always been very close, has completely blown me off, and I HAVE told him what's going on. He pretends to care, and then I don't hear from him again for weeks or months, and he lives 10 minutes from me. I need my life back and my house back, and my marriage back because we are a very happy couple. She will not move out, claims she cant live alone (she can) and then gaslights me into just retreating. It's everything I suffered through growing up, but I am 47 years old, and I just want a shot at being happy in the stage in my life where my home is just mine and my husband's, but that doesn't look like it can happen. To be clear, she is not ill (but seems like she wants to be), has financial stability, and appears to be fully aware and in control of herself and her mind. She even brought her dog along who was suffering from pain and illness (from feeding him cheap food, which I fixed) and he has become another of my dogs. She literally does NOTHING and has never done anything to help others. She's a very entitled and judgmental person. So what can I do? I don't want to be the villain here, but my god, I have to stop feeling like this. It's awful and it's taking over every aspect of my life. I don't even enjoy the things I used to love (I write novels, I do yoga, I love nature and outdoors, and my dogs, etc.) I am fried and just sad, which has now morphed into a level of anger I have never known possible.

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Give mother a move out date, say, 2 months from now, and send her packing. Tell her the "temporary" stay is over and you need your privacy back. I take it she still has the home she shared with her late husband? I don't understand why you agreed to take her in to begin with, frankly, at least w/o a move out date prearranged. Women like this take a mile when you offer them an inch. You are burned out and depressed, as I would be myself, having had the same type of relationship with my mother. She lived in Independent Senior Living, then Assisted Living and then Memory Care Assisted Living for the last 3 years of her life. Had she moved in with me and my husband, we would've had to move OUT. I made it clear to her right off the bat that she would not be living with me in her old age, and thank God I did.

Wishing you the best of luck being The Bad Guy now. I had that role for years and oh well, at least I had my LIFE. As much as I did do for my mother, I had peace in my own home which is what you deserve too.
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Jammies Oct 29, 2024
She sold the house they lived in last year, which they actually only lived in for 3 months before he passed. I wasn't given a choice. I went there the night he died with my brother, and he sort of said "mom will just go home with you for a little while until we figure this out". I did not agree. I was blindsided. Does that sound like a cop-out? I see it as a yes, but I was so shell shocked, and stupidly expected that my brother wouldn't turn out to be an absolute bag of hair as a human.

I have mentioned looking for a place nearby for her, and it turns into a whole blowout. How I never loved her, how selfish I have always been. That it must be my husband who wants her out.

But you're right. It's time to be The Bad Guy. Hell, if I'm already seen as it, what's the harm in proving it? Thanks for the tough love, sincerely.
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Never, never, never allow a parent to move in with you. When my dad died, all of us kids made a decision that mom was not going to move in with any of us. Luckily, she never asked to, although I know she was hoping for an offer.
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It is time for mom to get the HE Double toothpicks out of your home. You were manipulated into taking your mother into your home.

You know, I'm just sitting here thinking; do we actually love these people or have we been trained to think we do with all of the gaslighting, fake guilt and fear being thrown in. It doesn't sound like love to me if we end up so bitter and burned out on a daily basis. If it doesn't work for the caregiver, it doesn't work for anyone. And, to throw entitlement and attitude on top of everything else, makes it 100'x times worse. You can't bite your tongue forever in these matters.

Give mom a date and get the court eviction date thrown in. Don't fall for tears and I'll do better routine.

You ladies are too nice. With my temper, this woman would be living in the dog house along with her dog!

Oops, I'm not helping matters. LOL
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Seriously, why not be the villain? She is already mad, how much madder can she get. Time to be an adult. Of course you should have said no that night, but you didn't. Maybe drop her at brother's house. That is why he is avoiding you because he knows what is next.

Gove mom until the end of the year to find a new place. Stop making living with you pleasant. If she wants a fight, give her one. She is counting on you to fold, so don't. She is not going to change, you have to. Tell her temporary is now over. And if she cant find a place in two months she goes to brother's house.
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and so what? I told my husband I was the bad guy bad gal bad whatever. His mother was not going to stay with us even a day if his father had passed first. We would not have gotten her out with a crowbar and dynamite. She told him they moved from the other state she and FIL lived in to Texas so her sons could take care of her. And it would have been ME doing it. Not a bad man, just the son of a narcissistic waif married to an abusive alcoholic.
And I told my mom and my best friend and her mom the same thing. Saw too many just a day or two become resentful decades long hands on caregivers. Save yourself and your marriage now.
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I used to be a people pleaser , afraid to stand up for myself. Groomed by my mother to be my parent’s caregiver .

After caregiving my lifelong narcissist of a mother , I learned to “ own being the bad guy “ . My 4 siblings were fine with me doing it all until I had to place Mom in a facility , yet no one else wanted to replace me . Only one sister who did not live nearby to help , supported me placing my mother .

This type of mother are all the same with the guilt trips and gaslighting . Don’t worry about what she thinks or says to you or anyone else . My mother pitted her children against each other our whole adult lives . Then called us her “ rotten kids “. and said she “ had no family “ . Even after Mom died , we have little communication now , Mom killed her own family .

No matter what you do it will never be good enough anyway.
She will be miserable no matter where she is because she’s miserable and she’s taking you down with her .

Kick her out !! Tell you want to live with your husband only . Tell her this was temporary and she now has 60 days , and offer to help her find a place. Get your life back .
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lealonnie1 Oct 29, 2024
So true. We're forced into the role of being Bad Guys, then blamed for it. Typical personality disordered bs.
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You can help her apply for section 8 housing if money for housing is problem. Since you are not an literal landlord and IF she resists moving out you will probably need to consult an attorney about how to extricate her from her now legal residence.

When you sit down to tell her how it's gonna be (her moving out) make sure you and your husband are both sitting across from at the table. It won't matter if your brother knows or is even on board with it. If you need help with finding and defending your boundaries, then consider seeing a therapist to help you through what will probably be a difficult thing.

Your husband and children are the priority, not your Mom. Making her move out doesn't mean you are a monster or you don't care about what happens to her. You are just restoring what is morally correct for your family.

May you receive wisdom, strength, courage and peace in your heart as you make things right.
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If you can find out what her finances are then you will know how to proceed. I would find her a place she can afford. Furnish it, hopefully her stuff is in storage. Take her for a ride and then tell her its time she got a place of her own because living with you is not working. Take her to her new home and drop her off. She can scream and hollar all she wants as you walk out the door. Find out what services are available to her and make up a list and place it on the frig. Make a list of when her rent and utilities are due.First phone #is you brother with "Call son if you need anything". If brother says anything tell him he did not listen to you so you took things into your own hands. If he wants, he can take Mom into his own home. He too is her child.
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Please don’t hesitate another day to be the villain or bad guy. Stop expecting anything from your brother, he’s proven useless. I have a brother like that and had no choice but to accept him just as he’s going to be, wasting energy wanting him to step up is just useless. Give mom a date by which she will be out. Aim for before Christmas so you have hope of a nice holiday. Just the knowledge she will be leaving should give you a nice holiday. Make zero apologies for the change, explain it once and only once, then no more discussion. Leave her presence each time she starts berating comments. Start seeing your friends again and talk about any and every thing else. Hide with your husband in the basement. A whole new horizon is ahead, one where you take back your life. You have power here, stop being defeated. Visit places she can move immediately and get the ball rolling. Don’t let false guilt or obligation a foot hold another day. I wish you the best in changing your health and future
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Jammies

This post has made me so angry at your mom. Why on earth are you putting up with this a minute longer? And to do this in front of your grandchild. Mom needs out now.

Unfortunatly your state will probably require a 30 day eviction notice because she has been there too long to just require her to leave without eviction.

Stand up for yourself and stand up for your granddaughter. It’s not your concern if she lives alone. It’s all on her. Don’t argue with her. Don’t talk back. Look up gray rock and Google “how to evict a family member without a lease for your city, state”.
Then follow the directions.

Get your husband out of the basement and get back to enjoying your life.

Plan a move out party and invite your friends.

Tell her you will not be back in her life until she has moved out and gotten therapy.
Mean it.
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