My father-in-law is 93 and is healthy and active. He lives alone now since he recently lost my MIL after 72 years of marriage. This, of course, was very hard on him. Fortunately, my husband comes from a family of 10 and everyone has pitched in to keep Dad engaged and involved. We each take a night for dinner and he either drives over or has dinner at his house with one of his kids.
I know I can't control his decisions or the decisions of the rest of the family but I am so afraid of giving him the virus and would never forgive myself if he got sick after coming here. We've been pretty careful about going out and live in an area where there is only one case locally so far but I know this is just the tip of the iceberg too. We've offered to drop dinner off but I think it would be almost as bad to isolate him. He's a very social person. And he said he'd rather come over like he has for the last several months.
What to do???
when I first talked to him I was concerned he was blowing it off, until I pushed and he bluntly laid it out for me. He’d die either from the isolation or later from its lasting effects- and that it was ME who had a problem accepting that. Not him.
He accepts that this may be his end. He doesn’t want to die, but he has a right to live life and take the risks on his terms.
Doesn't make it much easier to take, though, does it? Hugs, but well done for hearing him.
My Mum is the definition of a Social Butterfly, she at almost 86 is rarely at home for a day. She volunteers, goes to Church, works out at the gym, Dragon Boat season was just about to start. She visits "old People" in care facilities and drives them to appointments. She has friends over or goes to friends homes at least 3 nights a week.
She is beside herself, trying to keep busy at home. She still is taking the dog for his walks, she can do that and avoid people. But she loves chatting with other dog walkers as much as the dog loves interacting with other dogs.
For your Dad is there anyway a family member could move in with him for the duration? That way he will have company all the time. The siblings can still drop off meals to him.
One of my best friends from college lives on a cul-de-sac. She told me that around 5 pm, the neighbors bring lawn chairs out to their curbs and they socialize from a distance.
I also saw a picture of a nursing home where the residents were sitting in their open doorways playing bingo in the hallway.
We are being asked to practice social distancing, not social isolation. Social isolation is for people who have symptoms or who have returned from travel.
Maybe be extra careful when handling his cutlery, plates and drinking glasses, too. Or use paper products when you have dinner. Make sure no one touches them with unwashed hands.
Kids are often contagious when they have very minimal symptoms so I would advise keeping the children off him too.
He's 93. This could last for months. I'd try to keep the dinners if that's what he'd like to do.
We are all going to have to get used to this new way of doing things.
(I expect the staff will have found her something. Our retail workers are utterly exhausted but they are being total heroes when it comes to small but important acts of kindness. Even my local newsagent: the owner noticed that his older, frailer customers were trying to open the door with their elbows, so he's told his team to keep the door wedged open and put a space heater behind their counter.)
I could have bought a packet of nine loo rolls. I only want four. I'm holding out for the non-jumbo stocks - but with three rolls and two boxes of Kleenex in the house, I might be facing a tense time.
Even if lockdown ended quickly, he explained, and he survived that time- the damage of being in isolation would linger physically, mentally, and emotionally; he does not believe he would recover.
Now- if it was your FIL, would you forgive yourself for ignoring his wishes, for his mental anguish as he spends his last days, weeks, or months alone, for his death during that time or soon afterwards- potentially never recovering from the time you chose to isolate him?
For some, isolation is an illness far worse than covid19, and just as likely - if not more so- to result in death.
If others in the family have responsibilities to other seniors, however, they may need to stay away from him regardless in order to reduce the overall risk of transmitting the infection from one household to another. In that case, perhaps they can phone him as often as they would normally visit him?
much as we like to think of ourselves as adults and tend to be in the habit of treating our parents like children- the reality is they will always treat us a bit like kids. The boss doesn’t have to admit or even face their own emotional breakdown because a subordinate asks ‘why’.
Your mom May be different. I’ve worked with seniors a long time and what I’ve described exists in the vast majority -
Id go so far as to say it’s the rule and if your mom is different, then she is the exception.