She can't tell me what I lied about and screams. "Shut up," for hours ? I feel like I am helping hostage by her delusions. She says she says I lie but she cant explain it to me but I lie lie about everything. She is fixated on me lying and interrogates me. She gets catatonic when I ask her what I lied about. She tries to force me to admit I lied and gets mad when I don't.
These fights go on for Days and night. I try to avoid speaking to her as much as possible .I sleep in the car to get peace. She accused me of shoplifting in another state. The store detective treated me like I was guilty tore my car apart looking for said item. Until she admitted she was mistaken. The store detective thought she was hilarious. I was a wreck. The real cops were mad at her (and him).
You do not have to take responsibility for her even though she's your mom.
You have a right to a life of your own. That requires a job, a place to live, and other things that will make you happy and a worthy contributor to society.
You must help yourself. No one else will.
I'm sorry you live like this. I can't imagine a worse situation. THE IMPORTANT THING TO KNOW IS THAT YOU CAN CHANGE IT.
I hope you do.
Or call APS and have her evaluated. Tell them you can no longer live with her. She needs care you cannot give her.
She already accuses you of lying left and right, so actually tell one. This might sound a little bit harsh and nasty but from how your mother treats you, I say you get a free pass this one time.
Here's what you do.
Pick a fight with her. Confuse her right into the 'catatonic' state you say she goes into when she can't remember what you supposedly lied about. Then call 911 and tell them she's delusional and threatening to hurt you and herself. Then tell them that you don't know what's wrong with her because she's never behaved like this before and you're worried and afraid. DO NOT mention the word dementia.
This is how you get her into the hospital for a psych evaluation. They will likely pick up on the dementia. When she is there, tell them that there's no one at home to take care of her and that you are no longer staying at her place. Make sure you don't say you're 'living' at her house. Always say 'staying' instead because 'staying' is temporary. If all goes well and the hospital keeps her for a while and helps her get placed, this will give you a little time to get it together and move out.
If she comes home and you remain with her, you have to protect your own mental health by learning how to ignore her nonsense. Be 'Grey Rock' with her. This means as little interaction with her as possible. Yes or no answers only and keep the interactions minimal. Like, 'Do want a sandwich?' interactions like this. When she starts up about you lying about everything and is trying to instigate a fight, you must not react. You should only say one word to her if you must say anything and that word is 'Whatever' and nothing else.
Imagine that you are rural Scotland and hear nothing but the wind in the heather and the flow of a cold, clear river. Or that you're on a beautiful, tropical beach and all you hear is the ocean and smell the sea breeze. Wear ear pods with music or nature sounds to help you tune her out. It's hard, but don't argue oe try to reason with her. Most importantly, be away from the place as much as possible. Work as many jobs as you can get and save every cent you can. Money means choices and you will have choices if you put your needs first. No one else is going to, so you have to.
If you live with your mother, move out while she is hospitalized and let social services know you will no longer be at that home nor will anyone else.
If mom lives with YOU this becomes much more complicated, but you will need to work with SS to get her placed.
Once this craziness starts, I leave the room.
Start seeing this for what this is. This is a person with a broken brain and for some reason has settled into paranoia and arguing.
Stop taking her places to avoid the embarrassment of being accused of stealing and other nonsense.
People say to get these folks on anti-anxiety meds, but how long will it be before these stop working? Anti-anxiety meds does not stop the progression of the disease if this is the case. Are there any other mental health issues going on with her?
It sounds like it's time to move out of this crazy environment. Once this behavior starts, it is time to save yourself. There is no reasoning with them. It's like arguing with a drunk person.
Others have said it well on this thread.
The anti-anxiety meds work to temporarily calm the person down. You're right though. Trying to reason with a demented elder is llike trying to reason with a drunk. It can't be done, so you have to remove yourself from their vicinity.
The next time she is screaming and screaming, video some of it. Then call 911 and tell them she is not acting like herself and may have an untreated UTI. Do not tell them she has dementia because this is not treatable in an ER and not considered a medical emergency.
At the ER you tell the discharge planner that she is an "unsafe discharge", that she isn't cooperating with her healthcare and that your mental health is at a breaking point. Do not accept any promise of help from the hospital if you take her home. Do not take her home. Then ask to talk to the hospital social worker to discuss having her released directly into a facility. Try to prevent her from calling anyone to come and get her. A problem might be that if they don't think she's an unsafe discharge, they may put her in a taxi and send her back to her legal residence and you may not be able to prevent this from happening.
Or, they may see her behavior and possible keep her for a 72-hr hold in the psych wing (Baker Act or "social admit") to see if she'll comply with meds for her agitation and anxiety. All hospitals are different so there's no way to know a definite outcome.
The only other option is to move out, or evict her, depending on whose home she lives in. If you move out, report her to APS.
If you aren't her PoA or legal guardian, then try contacting social services for your county and have them come in to assess her. It may turn out that they will start the process for a court-assigned 3rd party legal guardian and will eventually move her to facility care. But if it's her house, you'll need to move out,
You don't mention dementia so I'm hoping she doesn't have a history of mental illness. You don't mention her age, either. More info would be helpful.
I wish you success in getting a permanent break and restarting your life and peace in your heart that she'll eventually get appropriate care.
You can call 211 to find out what resources are available in your area to help you.