My sister and I both love our mom and want the best for her but have found ourselves in a difficult spot. Mom was super independent (lived alone, cooks, travels, shops etc.) but just had a stroke which has left her needing full time care for at least the next few months if not forever. She does not have enough money for assisted living without selling her home.
My sister lives 15 min from mom and her 2 adult children also live 10 and 30 min from grandma. Sister primarily works from home but recently is required to "badge in" 3 days a week to her job (doesn't have to stay more than 10-30 min and can then go back home). Her office is also 15 min away. We were rotating staying with mom each for a week at a time but the last time, my sister kept mom at her house so her husband can be there if mom needs anything while she checks in a work, goes to appointments etc.
I also work about 60% from home but I am in sales and cover the state of Texas so my schedule changes a lot and I go out to see customers all over. My kids are not near mom. My husband is out of work and has been able to help some with mom when I have meetings but that is not ideal either. The 2 biggest issues for me are that I live 3 hours from mom and my schedule is not predictable. They are also re-evaluating my position right now so I need to be at my best. If I lose my job, my husband is also out of work so we would have zero income.
My sister called me when mom got out of the hospital and said unequivocally that she expects me to do my 50% caretaking. To her, 50% is exactly that. Everything split perfectly equally. I explained that would be hard with my job and that I don't have the added benefit of being in my own town where I have doctors, hair salon, friends, dentist, and most of my customers are in my home town. Also, I don't have family near mom's house to cover for me and cannot easily bring her to my home since all her docs, PT etc. are not here. I asked my sister to take all this into account as well as my 6 hour round trip drive but she said that my driving and losing conveniences of being home doesn't "count" into the equation. If she does 7 days, I do 7 days.
With my conditions, I feel it is unfair to expect me to be at mom's 50% of the time. I still think I could pitch in say 10-12 days per month but sister will be upset if she has to do more. I said we could do some kind of split like 33/33/33 with the other third being paid help and she didn't like that either. The stress of this is killing me. I have an autoimmune disease that kicks in when I am stressed or don't sleep enough and haven't felt well though a lot of this.
Any suggestions on how to handle? Is it selfish, unfair, and unreasonable for me to stick to my limits and tell her I cannot commit to 50/50 100% of the time? I have done it so far but it is really unsustainable for me. And I am not one of those who is trying to dump all on the other sibling... I am willing to do as much as I can but I cannot lose my job and health over this.
Everyone here has told you to tell your sister "no".
And your response has been that you can't do that because she will hold a grudge.
If you have to buy your sister with your very life and well-being that is a real bad relationship right there. You say you have tried negotiating.
You can't negotiate with a bully.
You are an adult.
You have a choice to make for your own life.
Everyone here has advised and you are more than free to ignore that advice, but no one will feel sorry for you if you continue to allow yourself to be the victim of a bully, sister or not.
I most definitely hope you get up enough courage to stand up for your own life, your own family. If you do not there would be nothing anyone could tell you other than to wave you off with a merry "Good luck. Take care".
No is a complete sentence. It is that easy.
“no, I can’t possibly do that.” Period. The end.
I mean it’s either tell her no and stop letting her boss you around or have a nervous breakdown. It’s your choice.
Since you are 3 hours away there is no way you can do 50% of caregiving responsibilities. It is not realistic.
Sadly, keeping the peace with your sister will be very difficult. You can only be responsible for yourself and your emotions. Your sister is responsible for her own attitudes and her own emotions.
Your sisters stance is very, very unrealistic.
I think you need to come to peace that your sister won't be happy with your stance and what help you can offer and your sister is going to be angry and nasty.
As sad as your mother’s health issues are, is this about avoiding conflict with a volatile, unreasonable sibling? Is this person’s personality issues worth risking your health/job/marriage over? And it’s already caused distress and conflict, thanks to your sister.
“It really upsets my mom when we are not getting along and I want her attitude to stay positive.”
I get that, but I also wonder whether you and mom and other family members are just used to walking around on eggshells around sister? I think you need to re-think that.
Selling the house and mom moving to an Assisted Living facility where she will get the help she needs now and in the future seems like the best move
Taking care of mom in her home is just 1 part of taking care of her. Mowing the lawn, seasonal maintenance, doing repairs that will be needed down the road, checking furnace, the AC, water heater and all the rest of the stuff that might get put off if you and sibling are just taking care of mom and that can be a full time job alone.
Your mother’s stroke was a game changer in your mother’s care needs .
It doesn’t matter that she only moved 9 months ago.
Sell the house and place Mom in assisted living where she will get the help she needs .
You will need to stand your ground with your sister. She seems type A with demands that she doesn't even know if she can sustain. To bad for her and those demands. Your expected 150% percent out put. 100% you and your family with an additional 50% for your mother. Not doable for an indefinite amount of time.
Sadly, i don't see a great outcome with your sister and her lowering the expectation. But you outlining and conversing with your mother should help between the two of you.
Wishing you and your mother the best.
There is alot that stroke patients need to relearn. This initial phase is difficult under the best of circumstances and your schedule does not presently afford you the time to devote to it. I think you just have to be very matter of fact with your sister. You losing work is not a good option especially at this early stage.
I would reach out to facilities and also speak to Medicare or the facility could help with that.
If finances are a great concern I would advise getting a lawyer to help with the Medicaid process.
I have a good friend who has been through all of this. Her husband spent 11 months in a variety of facilities after a hemorrhagic stroke. He has made improvements. Medicaid pays for a full time aide for him in the house. A competent lawyer helped with this process. I hope you have POA or can work on getting it. My friend also had to get this after her husband's stroke. A lawyer will assess when this is best done.
When my dad passed, taking care of mom went ok , my sister works I don't, I was going to moms 3 days on average my sister one, I was very pleased with the way things were going, slowly my sister stopped going, went to once a week to 2 times a year.
But you know , that was my sisters choice, end all be all, I don't blame her. None of us forced into caregiving. . My sister did what what right for her, and I hold no animosity towards her for that.
I get what you are trying to do by mom, I truly do but I don't believe it will work. If you choose not to find a facility for her, what about in home care, out of moms pocket.
No one should be forced into doing more than they can mentally, physically handle, and no one should spend money on there parents. We children need to save and plan for are aging future.
This is already effecting your health, it will just get harder.
Id tell your sister, I will give you this amount of time nothing more and tell her you will work with her to find help to fill in the other part time. NO , if ands or buts!!!! Put your boundaries down NOW. Is your sister older, she sounds a bit bossy, but on the other hand she is also going through a lot, so don't forget that.
Id tell her, I love you, I care, if she can't work with you then your done. I also don't think it's healthy for your sister to be doing 50 percent either.
Best of luck, let us know how it goes, please
That simple: No argument.
We once had a home three and one half hours from our home. A second home we thought would be easy to get to and back from. Not so. Realistically it always took the day with an exhausted evening.
Were this me I would tell sister:
"We can say what we like here. We can say my limitations with job and family and the transportation needs preclude my being able to do this. I will not try this"
Or we can say "I know my limitations. Sorry. I can't do this. Call me any names you choose, I have no intention of trying to take this on".
Your mother does likely need full time care now. It is better that this is addressed after rehab/NOW. She can go into care and spend down her cash assets. Or go into nursing home with all the rehab that will be supplied, and work on getting independent again.
If things change, wonderful. Then she can become independent and go home again. That's unlike and all here need to embrace that fact. All here already know that, I would bet.
This is time for honesty. Do not allow yourself to be bullied, convinced, manipulated into doing this. Tell everyone you have thought about it, and they will just have to accept your decision, because it isn't changing. Will they be mad? You betcha. Get ready for it. Allow it. This is worth grieving.
It is not fair that children are expected to throw their lives, their children, their jobs onto the burning funeral pyre of their parents. And it is a slow burn. This many go on for many many years. You KNOW this isn't sustainable for you. You KNOW it.
If Sis wishes to take on full time care for a period of three months during which it will be CRYSTAL CLEAR to her and to your Mom that she needs placement, sale of the home, and ALF? Fine. If she cannot, then that is fine as well. Mom can keep home and spend down in care, or keep home and go on Medicaid. Improvement means going home (very unlikely as all her already likely understand deep inside). If Mom must be in care then the sale of the home would help her afford ALF for the time it is affordable.
If Mom is so debilitated from this stroke that she cannot remain at home safely during the hours sister is at work? Then this isn't sustainable.
I am sorry. Embrace selfishness. Honor what you know to be your truth. You can apologize for your limitations till you're face goes blue, but you need to HONOR them imho. Trying this and failing is not going to make ANYONE here any the happier. This isn't a situation that can be fixed. It must be walked through with grief, tears and hard truths imho.
And what you and your sister are wanting to establish for your mom is next to impossible and the sooner you both realize that, the sooner you can actually figure out the next steps in your moms care.
And yes, that may very well mean selling her home so she has the funds to pay for an assisted living facility, where she will be around other folks her age and receive the care she now requires.
The fact that you love your mom is neither here nor there. What needs to be done to care for her, has to work for ALL involved or it doesn't work for anyone.
And you are at the point now of it not working for anyone.
So time for plan B. So have a heart to heart with your mom and sister, to figure out exactly what that plan looks like.
Best wishes.