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My brother has cared for my 96 year old mom in her home for several years. He takes her to doctor apt, does the shopping, cooking, and cleaning. She uses a walker and has a lot of joint pain when walking, so she spends a lot of time in her recliner. Her mind is great and she is relatively easy going, and is in reasonable health for her age. She is capable of being on her own for several hours during the day.
My brother shows all the signs of burnout and perhaps compassion fatigue. He doesn't leave the house except for errands. I live halfway across the country and visit about 4 times a year for a week or so each. I always suggest that he use that time to take a trip somewhere, or just visit a friend for dinner, but he won't do it. I've suggested taking walks, visiting the library, taking a class, etc., but he won't act on anything. I believe he's depressed (this may be a pre-existing condition from before caregiving), he also drinks a fair amount of alcohol, and sleeps a lot. He snaps at my mom frequently. I don't think my brother realizes how he's behaving, even when I confront him about it. This behavior has slowly worsened over the past year. I have tried to get my mom to move in with me, or even visit for several weeks, but she won't leave either. She's not open to leaving for a senior center during the day because of her mobility issues. What can I do when neither caregiver nor patient will leave so that they can get a break?

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Tell mom that something needs to be fixed in house & it would be dangerous to be there while the men are working! I know how your brother feels. I’m a caregiver who has been taking care of my now 97 year old mom with dementia for many years but she hasn’t walked for long time. She back in nursing home almost 2 years, but they’re very neglectful at times..in addition to getting injured a couple times needing stitches, having bug 🪲 bites for 5 months. I filed complaint with health dept…I have more stress since she’s in nursing home. Also dealing with atty and financial stuff ..I should have left her home..I know how to take care of her best ..however at home, I had one private pay aide who was extremely reliable, responsible & trustworthy for about 35 hours a week…hugs 🤗
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Reply to CaregiverL
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Thank you for all the responses. I believe my brother dearly loves my mother and would never hurt her. Reporting them to APS would destroy both my brother and mother, and is unnecessary (at least at this point and hopefully never). My brother provides very healthy homemade meals and ensures she takes her meds. He takes her everywhere she needs to go. Their relationship is like a grumpy old married couple who can't help yanking each other's chains. I recognize that his drinking is his way of escaping and makes him short-tempered, but at this point it isn't a danger to my mother. I would love to get him to take a break, which is why I posted. I've thought about it a lot since I posted, and believe that they are both extremely stubborn and content to live this way. My mom may live a few more months or a few more years- two elder sisters lived to 100. Unfortunately, when you live to 96, virtually all of your friends and relatives are gone, and those who aren't are also homebound. A hired companion is an option, but she isn't too fond of a stranger coming in. I do think that the next time she's hospitalized, this issue will take care of itself, as she will be unable to manage getting into and out of her apartment and will have to go into assisted iving. There is no good answer, as all of you know. I hope I'm not this stubborn if I live that long!
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Reply to mdcbkf
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I'm not sure you can make an accurate assessment being so far away and not witnessing daily interaction between your brother & mother. I'd definitely recommend having a private phone conversation with your mother regarding her appraisal of your brother's care for and treatment of her. I say this from experience as my brother and mother had similar dynamics. My sister, who's impulsive and overly paranoid got involved and put Mom in a nursing home, only to result in both my brother and mother being miserable without one another. Brother visited her nearly daily and Mom was happiest on those days. Unless I missed something, it seems some on here have labeled your brother an alcoholic and abusive toward your mom when neither may be the real case. As a caregiver to my disabled husband and now my brother too and 3 very sick older pets, the thought of my own vacation or even socializing with friends is overwhelmingly not what I want. When I get a free hour or so, I just want to rest and recharge as best I can alone without more people zapping what energy I'm trying to hold on to. I'm sure your brother's reclusiveness has something to do with this needed self-preservation. Have that talk with your mother and if needed maybe have a family friend stop by to visit your brother and mom to get a first-hand look at things, then report back to you.
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Reply to Jannycare
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Explain to brother the phenomenon of caregivers often dying before the loved one they care for. His loyalty to your mom may prevent him from taking 'respite' but it is essential if he wants to see her to 'the end.' Now, his depression, and self-medicating for the depression, may prevent him from self-care. That is a counterproductive way to continue in what has been a familiar and 'comfortable' routine, for BOTH of them. Maybe on one of your visits, take mom out and about, leaving brother the house to himself for a change if he won't leave it; maybe he wants to rest in his own space. Or maybe feeling the change will motivate him to try a new way for both of their sakes; variety keeps things fresh, even if it's something small. And when you're not there, have mom's local friends or even a paid caregiver give the brother a break. It's hard to break out of a rut once we're in one, and sometimes we don't even realize it's a 'rut', it's just 'life', routine but also boring, monotonous. Change it up in small ways, repeated on a regular basis to add some variety without big disruptions.
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Reply to Santalynn
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First, you must pray about the situation continuously. I commend you on taking those four times a year trips with the attempt to help ease the burden off of your brother though he doesn't seem to want to take advantage of it. My concern for your mom is your brother's drinking habit and his behavior with her. The fact that you notice his behavior is worsening, isn't good at all. You must do something about your mom's well being before the alcohol coupled with his depression, makes him do something that he will regret when it's much too late. I pray that GOD will move your mom spiritually to where she will make up her mind to finally move in with you. Keep praying for your wish and keep these scriptures in your daily devotions: Mark 11:24, John 14:13, Job 22:27, 1 Peter 3:12 & Micah 7:7, and always always conclude your prayer request with Matthew 6:9-13. If you have not been praying on the matter, you need to do so right now and on a daily basis so stop what you are currently doing and pray NOW - John 16:24.
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Reply to madre08
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mdcbkf: It's imperative that he seek respite, else his health may fail.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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It seems they're comfortable with the living arrangement. However, if you're seeing a difference in your brother, maybe you should be talking to mom? If he's caring for her and doing all the financial stuff, sooner or later it will take its toll. You just can't walk away and stop caring for a week when you've been at this for years. You don't have a life anymore, where are you supposed to go and do things? It sounds like if mom doesn't want to leave her home, she's okay with her son. But if she's of sound mind, then maybe for his sake she should move? I can honestly say that having a few drinks and getting some deep sleep didn't hurt but I wasn't living with my mom. I'd go to work, care for mom,have a few before bedtime and on the weekend, I wouldn't drink at all.
I'd say that the poor guy is struggling with burnout and just can't get out of the cycle of being a caregiver. It's time to talk to mom about this. If she loves him,she wouldn't want to see him hurting. I know things got a whole lot easier when mom was moved into a care facility. If she does move, make it nearby so it's easy for him to visit. I don't know how anyone can "brand" a person who has stepped up and done their best to care for their loved ones. Your concern is noted though as your brother could be in the percentage of those who don't survive being a caregiver.
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Reply to JuliaH
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I am so sorry. How did you come to cultivate such a harsh and unsympathetic view of your fellow man? Your judgments just rain down based on minimum information. This woman was seeking assistance not a sermon from on high.

As for the sister, I am so sorry. You are clearly worried about your family but perhaps you should ask them how you can help that doesn’t involve unwanted advice. Families often take nontraditional shapes and there isn’t any right or wrong, and I say this as someone with an average typical family. Personally, I would be relieved my 96 year old mother had avoided the dismal fate of a nursing home.
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Reply to NHCaregiver
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The Olympics have come to town. You can tell because there are so many people jumping to conclusions. Everybody's taking gold in jumping. We already have "certified social workers" recommending alcohol programs for somebody they've never met and read one sentence about. I have been a burnt out caregiver. A third party with bright eyes showing up out of the blue and stirring the pot is only going to anger everyone and create permanent rifts. If you unwisely choose to bring in the government, the government's going to come in and stay. You can't call them in and then say nevermind. So that's when Mom ends up in a substandard "memory care" facility and God knows what happens to your brother.

If you squeal to the government the way you're squealing now, your brother may even end up facing charges. And boy, won't you be the good daughter for having done that?

Leave them alone! You don't know what their dynamic is at all. Coming in from 2,000 miles away for one week a year does not tell you ANYTHING. All you wrote was speculation. That's all. There was no fact, only guesses.
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Reply to Cattypatti
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Your brother is very dedicated to your mom. As long as she is being taken care of, leave them be.
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Reply to Onlychild2024
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He should not be caring for his mother.
He doesn't have the mental and emotional abilities to provide the care she needs.
Between not being able to set boundaries and excessive drinking, he exhibits behavior that is self-destructive, and destructive to his mother, which should not be tolerated "snaps at her).

This is a dysfunctional relationship.
From what you've shared, your 96 year old mother should not be under his care.
Your brother needs medical and psychological care.
I urge you to visit and make other arrangements:
- Contact Adult Protective Services and ask them to come to the home to evaluate. Your mother is not getting the care she needs and she is unable to care for herself (or make other arrangements).

This is a red flag: I sense your mother is in an abusive relationship.
Your brother may be getting compensation (her soc sec? free housing ? etc and doesn't have a life beyond being with his mother.

This is a very unhealthy situation for all concerned.
Call APS, hire an ind social worker to come in.

Do you have any legal authority to manage your mom?
Is she deemed incompetent ?
Your brother should not be (legally able) to handle any of her financial or otherwise affairs.

Changes need to be made.
Your brother will be very angry.
He has a good situation for himself from his point of view. He won't want to change. Perhaps he cannot. He needs psychological help.

He is in no condition to be a 'caregiver' to a 96 year old woman who is vulnerable and unable to care for herself. You need to step in ASAP.

Gena / Touch Matters
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Reply to TouchMatters
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LloydS Jan 21, 2025
I agree he is probably depressed and could use mental health care but he is not a criminal. My brother and I have been caring for my parents for years now - daily, though we don’t live with them. At some point it’s becomes such a routine it’s hard to make plans for anything else or the act of making plans is overwhelming in itself.
I know sister has offered but maybe insist on taking mom for a couple weeks despite the protests?
I know I would 100% welcome someone making a decision for me 😌
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Leave them alone . There is a saying " You cant bring a Horse to water and Make them drink . " Anyone who Lives to be 96is a miracle . Your brother Must Love His Mom very Much . Be Thankful she is being care for .
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Reply to KNance72
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TouchMatters Jan 21, 2025
He's an alcoholic.
An alcoholic, actively drinking, cannot provide the needed care.
She is not being care for, as you indicate.
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I think Taarna says it best.
If your mother and brother are both happy with this arrangement, there is nothing you can do, and frankly, no reason to try and change it.

IF your mother is or becomes mentally incompetent, AND your brother is seriously neglecting her, AND you have POA, then you can choose a care option for mom which you think is most suitable for her needs.

If he has been living with and caring for mom for several years, then this is his (and their) routine. He no longer has friends to meet for dinner, and a walk is not enough of a respite. A vacation away would be great for him, but he may not feel comfortable leaving mom in your care for a week, if he likes having control over everything.
My perspective may be a little different from others here. I see many have jumped to the conclusion that your brother is an alcoholic. He may or may not be.
Your story touched a nerve with me. I have been the sole caregiver for my 63 year old husband for 9 years. It is hard to find any real help. I recognize that I use alcohol as a coping mechanism for my stress. I don't think I am an out of control alcoholic, or a danger to my husband. I really enjoy wine, and I carve out a window of time in the afternoons/evenings to enjoy about 3 glasses, before I have to go to "work" again, as my husband will require assistance until midnight.
I start at 6 or 7 am. Daily. Yes, I am burned out. But I like having a routine. And I don't have time to keep up on friendships.
I would really appreciate a family member to step in for a week, and allow me a vacation. But, that means I have to spend money to go somewhere else.
Try giving your brother advance notice when you plan to stay for a week, and discuss with him what he might like to do with that week. He is probably so caught up in his daily routine, he doesn't know what else to do. It wouldn't hurt to make suggestions.
It might be hard for him to "let go". Controlling individuals have a hard time letting others take over. Discuss with him in advance what he does, and what you plan to do with mom when you are there. That could alleviate some of his stress.
And, maybe he is an alcoholic. If your mother is mentally competent, and chooses this dysfunctional relationship with her son, there is really nothing you can do about it. Just be a daughter and let her know you are there for her.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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If both your brother and your mother are mentally competent, you can not change the situation. You can continue to talk to your brother about your concerns and encourage him to widen his world to include others in helping your mom.
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Reply to Taarna
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Don’t move your Mom in with you. You are actually doing everything that you already can.

I agree with the suggestion below. At 96, your Mom will eventually land in the hospital. At that point, I would try to get her placed into AL.

If, in the meantime, if your brother realizes that he is in over his head, then he will let you know. The most likely scenario, however, is that a medical emergency on your Mom’s part will precipitate the possibility of a needed change.
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Reply to Danielle123
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You can’t help those who refuse help and don’t want to change their situation.
A hard lesson to learn whether it’s alcoholism , a mental health problem , or just plain stubbornness .
You can try APS , not sure that will work since you say Mom’s “ mind is great”. They may say she can stay right where she is .

All you can do is wait for her to land in the hospital when she can’t walk anymore and perhaps try getting her placed in a facilty then .
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Reply to waytomisery
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You have summed it up perfectly. I feel that I need permission to back off, and that's what you're suggesting.
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Reply to mdcbkf
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Don't ever take her into your home. Don't ever go to live with her. That's a sure recipe for burning yourself out.

The biggest problem here is not that neither brother nor mom will take a break. The true issue is that mom is getting substandard care from brother. There is no way that he, with his pre-existing condition, depression, anger, and alcoholism is taking the best care of mom.

There is much better care for mom in a facility than your brother is providing at home. For him to do an abrupt about face and suddenly become sober is not likely. At some time, such as when your mom falls and has to go the the hospital, there may be a chance for you to put pressure on mom's hospital social worker to see that she gets into managed care. Brother will continue down the path of alcoholism.

Advice to you is that you wait until that life-changing event with mom happens, do your best for her at that time, and wash your hands of brother because he won't want to change. Alcoholics seldom do. I'm very sorry you're in this situation.
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Reply to Fawnby
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mdcbkf Jan 17, 2025
Thanks for your helpful ideas, especially about using the hospital social worker to get her into managed care.
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Your brother is not only depressed but he's also drowning his sorrows with alcohol.
That can be a deadly combination, and I would worry more about your mom living with an alcoholic as if something were to happen to her and he's passed out in his bedroom, mom would be in big trouble.
I am actually going to a funeral this morning for a friends son who was just 49 years old and he chose to drink himself to death instead of dealing with the issues in his life. So very sad.
So both your mom and your brother need more help than you can provide. I would suggest calling APS and report the conditions that your mom is living under and that you're concerned for her well being. They will come out and do an assessment and make their recommendations from there.
There are NO easy answers here as there never are when an alcoholic is in the involved.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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I don't think there is anything you can do.
Your brother may be "hiding" within his caregiver description. He's living with your mom, likely on his own SS at this point, and hers, and in her home (?) where he can safely hide, drink, and sleep.
And your mother is still "caring for" her most needy child, which is what some parents see as nurturing love. This has long gone on and unlikely to change.

What your brother NEEDS to leave the home for is AA meetings.
He almost certainly won't do that. He knows it's there.
These two are well and thoroughly enmeshed.
If this is your mother's home, hopefully she has left it to her son. He will almost certainly live out the rest of his life in it with his bottles as his companions.
That's a real life choice. He has made it. Your mom has supported it.

You have offered EVERYTHING, md.
You have offered care, respite, suggestions.
That's great. All were declined. Now you need to "leave it" as we say to our pups.
Once more offer that you are ever there if Mom would like you to come visit, or if she would like to visit you. IF you visit do not stay to sleep in the home. This will be intrusive and will lead to bickering.

Push will of course come to shove at some point, and you will get "the call" in which one or the other of them is "down" and help is needed. Son may well die before his mother if liver gives out.
Until then you are free, your life is your own, as are your decisions (just as their decisions must be THEIR own.)
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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