Mom lives in care home 3 years now.
Despite adjusted meds for anxiety & combative behaviors, she still "has to go home and cook for her husband before he comes home." My dad passed away 36 yrs. Ago. She wonders why he didn't call or say where he is. She says she "only visits the carehome, doesn't live there".
Caregiver tries all distractions, including going for car rides & short walks, but mom is still saying she has to go home when they get back-determined to leave.
This happens everyday.
Arguing with her is pointless. Just answer her questions with a plausible answer, and move on to a different topic. Her caregiver should know that.
nothing is easy now especially with Covid and trying to help figure things out. Try hospice (Trustbridge) in Florida to see if she will qualify for their services. They have been a godsend for us.
I'm just curious if the staff has tried gently reminding her that her husband has passed away all those years ago?
I know it's extremely hard, however, it may stop her behavior for the evening. She will of course do the same thing the next night, because she won't recall the conversation from the night before.
My Aunt packs up her belongings almost every day to go home.
On the days that I call her, when she tells me that she's going home tomorrow, I gently remind her that she is in her new home.
I am told by the staff of her memory care that it seems to help for that particular evening.
In the beginning I tried the "therapeutic fibbing " and distraction. And I still believe they are valuable tools, but in my Aunts case nothing except the truth made her waiver from wanting to go home.
((((Hugs)))) and prayers to you!
We take flowers. She's shocked and doesn't remember any of it of course. So we go round and round and still she says she has to go home before he comes home. Sigh.
I try always to change the subject too, but she always loops back to "I have to go home" with great anxiety! Mom's sundowner's is really taking a toll on the CG's at this point and they said if the meds don't help in 2-3 weeks, mom may be happy in a different home.
Thank you for your thoughts 🙏.
He was spry too like you’re mom. He’d just pop up and head out quick as a bunny.
There is no easy answer. Dad has just recently calmed down due to his dementia increasing and his mobility decreasing. He’s been in two facilities and they were both very good at redirecting but he was a tough case.
You mom may be ready for memory care that is locked down. Sounds horrible but she’s gotta be safe.
My dad was fine in memory care. He wander to one door, take about an hour to meander to the other end, chat with other residents and aides then go try again.
He had no short term memory at this point but driving, well that’s long term, something he did for 70 years.
My mom just started " looking for her car cause she left the keys inside"! CG takes her out to look for it, then goes back inside, then outside again. CG figures if she walks outside awhile might help tire mom out and help her sleep...
Alarms don't work & she breaks the indoor locks cause she's so strong.
The outside gate to the street is locked at nite, so she can't open it but it doesn't stop her from trying.
The evening car rides are to help possibly calm her before returning, hoping she'll forget about leaving. The CG & husband are extremely wonderful & patient. Mom used to help around the care home, but not interested now. CG recently gave a doll which mom sleeps with, but still not enough to distract her from leaving..yet. Her sundowner's goes from early afternoon and can last till midnight even after all meds given. Not sure if her high anxiety prevents meds from metabolizing? My main concern is safety both for mom and caregivers, as I believe she's a danger to herself & others. We did discuss moving mom, but b/c behaviors not under control Dr.s nurse feels it would be harder on mom, and finding a place to accept her would be difficult. All mom's income goes to CG, which thankfully, is way below the starting rate here in Hawaii of $4500. Mom doesn't qualify for Medicaid yet.
I think it is you that needs the adjustment.
In your mother's mind she is doing what she has Faithfully done for year's for her husband.
She is your Mother, NO Doubt! But since she has fallen ill. She hasn't been like Mom.
I think that you need to seek help and educating yourself on this matter.
Maybe one day soon you will learn how to connect to the person standing in front of you.
God bless and Best Wishes
Life is not fair.
If your mother is not in a locked down Memory Care facility and has access to getting out of there, that's a problem that needs to be fixed immediately. If she's already in a locked down facility, then she cannot get out and 'go home', so you have nothing to worry about. If you feel that her anxiety is too high at this point, her doctor may be able to prescribe a stronger sedative to keep her calmer. But even so, the 'wanting to go home' scenario is very common with dementia. You may try getting her a baby doll with a blanket to swaddle it in; many, many times, caring for a baby gives the resident something useful to focus on and takes away the anxiety of wanting to go home to fix her husband dinner. She'll have another important duty to be involved with instead, you know?
Best of luck!
this is where I bought most of my equipment.
But if she is actually working hard to sneak out, that's another problem involving her safety. Make sure the facility is secure and she can't leave it.
Good luck, this is something that will not really just "go away" and adjusting or different meds did not actually change the events.
While she may not be allowed in the kitchen (depending on health department regulations) they could have her set the table, do some early prepping like scrubbing potatoes, peeling potatoes, measuring some ingredients.
I think that having a "job" is so helpful when they are compulsively focused on doing something, give them something to do.