My father had a stroke in early July. At 88 years old he was living independently with our step mother, age 89. Her activity is limited due to various health issues and uses a walker around the house and wheel chair for distances greater than 50 feet. My sister and I who both live 2 hours and 3 hours away from them helped them transition thru the rehab process and setting up in home 24 care. I retired, so I could spend weekdays helping and my sister spent the weekends with them. Along with one care giver in house 24/7 we were able to help satisfy dads needs and step mothers as well. After about six weeks they decided they didn't want us to stay with them any longer. Step mother became very hostile towards us and my father confided that he believed she was suffering from dementia. She was also trying to stop taking Lorazepam which she used for anxiety and pain relief. He asked us to give them a couple of weeks and hopefully she would calm down. It's been over a month since we have been able to call or visit. Meanwhile, the caregivers report to me that step mom is withholding dads medications and dad has fallen 3X when his caregiver is sent out to run errands and buy groceries. My sister has tried calling to ask if we can make a brief visit for Thanksgiving and was hung up on. At this point, my father seems to also be against us. My last attempt to call him to find out what we did wrong or how we could make amends and at least visit, he had no clear explanation and she started yelling about how when we were there we used their car to run errands. I tried to explain it was easier for me since her wheelchair didn't fit in my car. Then they hung up. Anyway, that's one example of the confusion and inaccurate memories of events leading up to my sister and I from being prevented form spending precious time with our dad. How can we get past the misconceptions and mistrust issues when being completely shut out? Also concerned about dads safety since step mother seems to make irrational decisions regarding his health care.
It is possible dad is choosing to keep you away in order to keep wife calmer - not because it's his choice, but out of self preservation of her ranting or carrying on after you leave.
My uncle did it to appease his severely bipolar, self medicated, heavy drinking wife. She would get mad, but I went anyway because she was simply not capable of taking care of him, feeding him, or returning to the house within a reasonble period when she went somewhere. He was dying of cancer in the home. She would leave the room to go get him food or drink and totally forget what she was going to do. Hours later she would return and realize she forgot to do it. Had someone else not popped in and out all the time, he would have starved to death instead of cancer claiming him. She couldn't manage her own meds, so not the best person to manage his.
I think you hit the nail on the head. Rather than listen to her yelling and screaming about us (sis and I) he's agreeing with her to keep us away.
My only solace is the care givers are doing a good, job despite her. However, when I get disturbing news about his falling while the care giver is sent on step moms errands or withholding his meds it makes me want to do something. Did call APS and after interviewing dad and step mom, found nothing indicating he was in danger and left it at that.
You are trying to make sense and reason with dementia and/or possible addiction.... call APS.
I didn't talk to my dad for years because he didn't want to upset his wife, not my mom.
Sorry, I don't buy that. You are his children and he isn't telling her to back off? My dad gets off on people fighting over him, so he really enjoy the time before I realized that he was participating in not talking to his own children. He always makes excuses why she is such a wack job.
Just be careful that he isn't enjoying all the turmoil you are experiencing by not being able to see or talk to him.
He is obviously not telling the doctor about the behavioral problems and that is telling.
Had absolutely no backbone to stand up to her. She controlled everything in their lives.
She even told him that him that he couldn’t eat his favorite foods because she didn’t eat them. The first time I saw that in a restaurant, I couldn’t believe it.
I would never dream of telling my husband what to order in a restaurant. My FIL wanted oysters and she told him to order fish.
The man had no health issues and is very fit, not an ounce of fat on his body. Great genes. No one was ever overweight in their family.
This is touchy. Your step mom is calling the shots and holding all the cards. He is under her spell.
It’s so sad. I feel for you. She isn’t going to let go of her control, over him or you and sis. So for the sake of your father’s safety go over her head. Call APS.
Best of luck to you. Be prepared for backlash and don’t back down. Hugs!
Also if the paid caregivers think the situation is getting dangerous they could also make a call, or at least report that to the agency if they're from an agency. The more documentation you have the better. This would be important in case you need to get court involved if you think you need to step in and obtain guardianship.
Does step-mom have children as well? If so are they noticing a decline in their mother?
Trying to reach out to the local daughter to see if she concurs with the onset of dementia.