Posted here before, and finally back ... husband's mom, who has dementia and multiple serious comorbidities, is still with us, and had a very significant stroke recently. She is in rehab, and actually seems to be doing well there. The stroke was debilitating. She is officially wheelchair bound, needs a lot of help ambulating, is fully incontinent, and sleeps on and off, much more than before. Given all this, I assumed she would remain up there permenantly, and transfer to LTC. Silly me, and you know what they say about assuming.
Husband informed me that under no circumstances was he "leaving" her up there, and that he would be taking care of her (even though I'm the one that has done the lion's share of the caregiving) in the home until she passed, even if it's the last thing he does and even if he loses everything over it. His words, not mine. He told me that he "needs to know where I stand with our marriage" which to him, is where I stand with being willing to caretake his elderly mom. The fights have been horrendous. I've asked him why he thinks taking her out of a good environment, where she is getting her needs met much more, and by trained professionals, makes any sense at all, especially when she actually seems to be doing much better up there. The fights we have had in the past year alone, surrounding the impact of her previosuly hostile and aggressive behavior, have been so awful that I'm not sure why he thinks bringing her back would be better for everyone.
He is hellbent on bringing her home and told me that if I'm not on board then "we can sort out our marriage with lawyers" and threatened divorce if I did not comply. This has gotten super ugly, and I'm seeing how hellbent he is on getting his perceived inheritance, at the risk of his own family and marriage and personal wellbeing.
As far as his mom - she does seem to be slightly nicer to me, but I know it's because she wants to come home, and I'm not really fooled. If you have followed alone, you know that her and I have always been at odds. She has a while to go before they'll even release her given her condition. I don't want her to come back and then I leave and she essentially has no care (I do care about her wellbeing). But I don't want to continue to stay and give the impression that I'm willing to keep doing this at the expense of my own health and sanity. Everything is smoother (work, kids, keeping house) with her out of the house. I am baffled as to how a human, my husband, could be so selfish and completely disregard everything that literally everyone is telling him. She's better in LTC, we're better with her in LTC, and yet .. he wants to bring her back so I can continue to take care of her?
Thoughts on how to handle care? Thoughts on situation? Needing lots of kindness as big decisions are coming up.
Two separate tracks of action.
Definitely see a divorce lawyer, without your husband knowing. You need to be prepared to call his bluff, if he actually goes forward with his threat of divorce. If possible, cover whatever bases you need to regarding the finances -- make sure you know all the accounts, numbers, banks, passwords, etc., as well as locking down any accounts that are just yours. Monitor your accounts discreetly but often, if you can, so you can be aware if he does something drastic, and then ask your lawyer for advice.
Also, tell the staff in no uncertain terms that you will not be providing her care if they discharge her to your home. That you have done it for years, that it has become too much, and that you simply cannot and will not be doing it.
Ask who the discharge planner/social worker is, seek her or him out, and tell them that your husband will make promises to do the care but will not keep them. Be present when they talk with him, and challenge everything, politely but firmly.
Who will be bathing and dressing his mother, changing her adult diapers with the necessary cleaning? You won't; will he? Will she be comfortable with this and permit him to do it? Ask his mother, in the presence of your husband and the social worker, is this acceptable for her for him to take care of this?
Who will take care of all her other needs, and when? Feeding her at all her meals, moving her in and out of bed, taking her to medical appointments, getting her physical therapy? Will your husband be home at all the necessary times? How will he do this? Will he be working from home, or reducing his work hours, or taking an indefinite leave?
If he says he will hire paid caregivers, insist that he have a long-term contract in place, with payment arrangements, before she is released. If he doesn't have one to show the discharge planner, point out that he hasn't made the arrangements he promised, and therefore MIL can't be safely released.
I'm very sorry you need to deal with this. But you are deserving of having a free life, finally. Please stand your ground. Let us know how it goes. We are rooting for you.
Why would you want to stay married after this awful revelation. Regardless of what happens with his mommy your marriage is not ever going to survive because he has made himself clear, BELIEVE him.
Prayers that you take his sorry butt to the cleaners.
Preach! You're speaking the truth right here. I hope the OP takes your very good advice.
I got lucky. Neither of my husband's was the sneaky, vindictive type. There's a lot them out there though.
Let him prove it by staying at his mom’s rehab 72 hours and personally attending to each diaper, doing all chair to bed transfers, bathing her etc.
They always say they're going to do all the work. I hate to make this comparison but I think it fits. When the parent agrees to let the kids get a puppy, the kids promise they will take care of it and do everything. They will love the dog, but they don't want to walk him in the rain. They don't want to clean up after him in the yard. They 'forgot' to feed him and let him out so he has accidents in the house. They want to hang out with their friends and don't want to take him, etc...
When you get a puppy for the kids (and I have) make sure you want a dog and that you're willing to take care of it. You can't count on the kids.
Same as when you take a needy, elderly parent (or in-law or relative) into your home. You better be prepared to handle all of their needs. Sure, your spouse, your siblings, your whole family will promise to do all the work and you won't have to do anything if you'll just give the person a place to stay. The elder may also make tempting offers like giving you money or leaving you their property. It never works out this way. YOU will be doing the care.
The OP's husband is not going to do the care his mother needs. His wife will have to. Then when mom dies, he inherits and divorces her. In many states inheritance is not considered a marital asset.
This guy's got a plan and I hope our OP here takes the good advice.
What would the family and friends think if he just filed for divorce from you for no other reason than he doesn't want to be married to you anymore? Or if he announced he has another woman and the marriage is over? Everyone would think he was the a$$hole. So, he turns it around on you. Now, you're the a$$hole who won't help his poor, sick, elderly mother that he loves so much. A divorce becomes your fault because you're forcing him to choose between his wife and his mother.
This is a gaslighting and manipulation. DO NOT fall for this crap, sister and it is just that, crap.
Start cleaning out the joint bank accounts and making deposits into new bank accounts that you open in your name only. Run up the credit cards too if they're joint accounts.
Then get yourself to a divorce lawyer as fast as you can for a consultation. Then you'll see the true colors of Mr. Nice Guy your husband who just wants to bring his mother home. Please don't buy that excuse. Your marriage is over and you have to look out for your best interests. Talk to a divorce lawyer and explain your husband's ultimatum of either you take care of his mother in your home or the marriage is over. The lawyer will likely tell you the same thing I'm telling you. It has nothing to do with his mother.
I am so sorry to say this, but there's probably someone else on the side. Men don't blow up their lives and end their marriages to take care of their mother when she's already being cared for. Talk to a lawyer.
More likely the husband is using his mother's neediness as a convenient and noble reason to get out of his marriage. He can get out of his marriage only I hope the OP doesn't let him divorce her cheaply. He needs to pay.
My suggestion to you would be to leave home now, for a couple of weeks holiday. He is unlikely to bring her home if you aren’t there. And repeat repeat repeat leaving if you do come home and it all starts again. Your own lever is to refuse to go along with what he wants. He is her son, he has the principle obligation to do the right thing by her. It’s sad that you actually care more, but true that it’s his call.
PS If he does in fact bring her home and you know that her care is inadequate, that's when you can call APS to check on things.
What more do you need to know? Call the lawyer today and get the ball rolling for a divorce and leave your mama's boy to himself to care for his mom, while you and your children get on with living and enjoying your lives away from your selfish excuse of a man.
No, you are not at all responsible for her immediate care. You can call the sociaworker and make her/him aware that there will not be 24/7 care and you believe it will be an unsafe discharge for her because the primary caregiver is no longer able to provide the care needed.
Good luck. It is a truly horrendous situation for you. Noone deserves to be treated like a servant in a marriage.
an update from a reply below:
"Oh no - I am very much on board with divorce at this point. I've already set up a consult with a lawyer. I may need to update my post if I still am able to.
This feels like a sinking ship, indeed. The fact that he would essentially risk her wellbeing, our family, and essentially everyone's time, safety, and sanity, for an inheritance, that may or may not be guarenteed, is unfathomable at this point.
I've made it clear that if she comes home, I will not be the one caring for her. I basically want to make sure she has some sort of care (because we know he will not be the one doing the heavy lifting). It's quite a position for him to put me in, where I do all of the work, have none of the say, and pay all of the price. I also feel terribly bad for her, honestly. She's doing well up there, and I hate for her to leave a secure enviornment."
----
I would actually not even wait to see if he brings her home. I would call his bluff right now (as you apparently are in the process) but I would not give him a heads-up until the attorney says it is a good time to break the news -- after you've protected your half of everything and have a plan as to where you (or he) will live afterwards.
As others have posted I, too, am very reluctant to recommend divorce. But when he finds out you've already put those wheels in motion and you have divorce paperwork in hand, maybe he'll be more amenable to couple's counseling. But the choice is clear: either you're in the house without her and you both work on your marriage, or you're not there at all going forward.
Have you considered having a talk with MIL and tell *her* what's going to happen if he takes her home? That she risks losing the improvements she's made and that you won't be the one caring for her? It will be him (maybe) plus a stranger? Maybe she will have more sway with him (however dysfunctional it is) and if she insists on not being removed, then you get to have your home back. And then will need to work on your marriage still.
I wish you success in saving your marriage, and getting appropriate care for your MIL -- and may you receive peace in your heart no matter what transpires.
I wouldn't tolerate his selfish threats at all.
This is totally unfair to you. He made vows to you, not his Mother.
He sleeps with YOU, not his Mother.
You are the Mother of his children.
Others have given excellent advice. Mine is to see a lawyer. Call his bluff.
Possibly his Mom's doctors will say the same to him.
Is he really acting like a lunatic over a possible inheritance?
It's not your Mother. He doesn't do the hard job of caregiving.
I'd stick to a HARD NO. Stay strong. I'd be tempted to pack and leave for a week.
So sorry you are being treated so unfairly.
You do not want to divorce so how about a separation agreement? Let him take care of her.
This a marriage issue not a MIL issue.
You have to do what you think is best for you and your children and accept the consequences. If your children are living at home then IMO it would be a bad decision to move her back in and you have the burden of caring for her.
Living with someone like him is not for me, but at the end of the day it is solely your decision.
I have a consult with an attorney to initiate a separation from my end.
What I'm really asking is, is there anything that I am obligated to do, as far as her care? When you go from being primary caregiver, to not, despite the circumstances, it is a big shift.
What you have shared with us - with regard to your husband literally telling you that if you don't get on board and plan to give over your entire life to the care of his mother then you can sort your marriage out with lawyers -gave me cold chills.
He may and likely will regret it but he has made this his hill to die on. And you don't need to die there with him.
I never suggest divorce unless the situation is hopeless or dangerous. But I'm sorry - if my DH told me that I'd "better get on board", "better comply", and that if I didn't care for his parent that we would be sorting out our marriage with lawyers - I'm not going to lie - I LOVE my DH. We have been married for 30+ years. We have a wonderful marriage and two beautiful daughters. But if he said those things to me - I would call his bluff. And if he wasn't bluffing I would have to seriously consider the offer.
I don't know your DH, so I don't know if he is just trying to see what he can get away with and using threats - which by the way SO NOT OK! Or if he is serious.
But I would not stick around to find out. He is showing you who he is. Believe him.
I HATE the idea of throwing away years you have invested with someone you still love and this one thing is the problem - not the marriage itself.
But if your DH is telling you that you will comply or he will divorce you - I'm sorry but you do have a problem in your marriage.
A couple of years ago - my FIL's care had just become too much. And my SIL and HER DH continued to bring him home because he financially supported them. After a whirlwind couple of months where he went from hospital to rehab to home multiple times - I told my DH that I was done. That I was no longer going to help with his father's care.
My DH - who was raised by an abusive, narcissistic father who trained my DH and his sister to serve him at all costs(while beating the h.e.l.l. out of them both for years, and threatening violence against them even as adults) - including suggesting he leave me and come take care of him - knew I was serious and said "You know what - I'm there too. We're done." And we were. The next spin of the wheel a few days later we placed him a SNF. (and for the record, I never asked my DH to not take care of his dad, just said that I couldn't do it anymore. HE was probably ahead of me in that department. He was done but we just needed to say it to each other. )
Your DH should NOT be making decisions for whether YOU provide HIS mother's care. And if he is willing to sacrifice your marriage to take care of his mother - all due respect...RUN!
Yet she is tolerating the person closest to her in the world, the one who should be her knight in shining armor doing battle for her favor, to treat her like so much trash.
It infuriates me as regards the husband. But it doesn't cause me to greatly respect someone who does really demand respect from the person who is closest to her in all the world.
It is pitiful situation. IMHO.
The work is yours.
Everything else is his.
You say that you are not on board for a divorce.
Then, living with a man like this I think that you are on-board the sinking ship, and will likely go down with it. Again, I am very sorry for this. But to be honest it is YOUR decision for your OWN life.
Inheritance money belongs to the one who inherits it and is NEVER shared with anyone else unless melding into a joint account, so it's too bad your husband isn't the one working for his payback.
I think that this is a marital issue, not an elder care issue, because the decisions as regards elder care are already made. Hubby will bring mom home and you will care for her.
I suggest counseling for you. And again, I am terribly sorry, but this is your choice, and I do think it is a very bad choice.
This feels like a sinking ship, indeed. The fact that he would essentially risk her wellbeing, our family, and essentially everyone's time, safety, and sanity, for an inheritance, that may or may not be guarenteed, is unfathomable at this point.
I've made it clear that if she comes home, I will not be the one caring for her. I basically want to make sure she has some sort of care (because we know he will not be the one doing the heavy lifting). It's quite a position for him to put me in, where I do all of the work, have none of the say, and pay all of the price. I also feel terribly bad for her, honestly. She's doing well up there, and I hate for her to leave a secure enviornment.