Not sure where to begin here. I guess I just need to vent. I am a 60-year-old unmarried, childless woman with an elderly parent. My mom lives with me, and I work from home full time as a CPA. I have zero support system (I have zero friends and my family will NOT help). My mom has lived with me for 12 years and has Parkinson's disease. This situation is sucking the life out of me. I do everything (cook, clean, bills and caretaking) and am very burnt out. I haven't dated in 12 years and have no life and nothing to look forward to anymore. Mom does NOTHING to help her situation. All she does is watch TV, drink booze, smoke pot and doesn't exercise or do anything to combat her disease. She showers once a week and smells like rotten milk. Rarely leaves the house. She is deteriorating fast, and her needs are beyond my abilities (I have lupus and am in excruciating pain most of the time... sometimes I cannot even lift a coffee cup). Every time I mention needing help - my mom flips out on me and starts gaslighting to the point where I just shut down. She criticizes my weight and tells me if I was not so fat and didn't let myself go, that I wouldn't have lupus and wouldn't be in this situation. I am totally shut down now. Next week, she has total hip replacement and told me she will be refusing to go in a skilled nursing facility and will not accept caregivers. She told me if I attempt to get her after care, she will call the police and the CPA licensing board and file an elder abuse report against me (there has been zero abuse in this situation). I am not sure what total hip replacement and Parkinson's recovery looks like - but I would think she would be immobilized and unstable/unsteady for an extended period. I told her it is not safe for her to be home, and I am physically and mentally incapable of handling this level of care. Her response: "you'll figure it out". I am extremely depressed, resentful and at times suicidal. I have told her my feelings and abilities and she respond with gaslighting. I have shared my thoughts with family members only to be told "well that's your mom - you should take care of her" etc.
Oh yeah - my childhood in a nutshell. My parents were both junkies and my mom was homeless for years and prostituted herself for drugs. I was in and out of foster care. I never did drugs, rarely drank and worked very hard to get a good education. I always worked, paid bills and kept a nice home. I am even more resentful that my parents never took steps to better their lives, while I made huge sacrifices and now I am being punished for it. My company has EAP counseling available, but what is the point of counseling when the other party will not change or participate. I cannot force her to get medical care or rehab either.
My life has been hell. I have no love and am totally alone. Sometimes I wish I would just die in my sleep.
Then I will say that while your story is heartbreaking to say the least, I can't help but wonder why in the world you opted to allow the woman who birthed you live with you, as you owe this poor excuse of a woman NOTHING. As in NOTHING!!!
Only you can decide if you and your life are worth saving(and I say you are and it is)but you're going to have to take some pretty drastic steps if you're ever going to head in the right direction of living and enjoying this one life you've been given.
And you can start by letting your moms(I'm using that term loosely) doctor know prior to her surgery that you are no longer able to care for her at home and that she will have to go to rehab after her hip surgery, and then to a nursing facility after that, as you physically can no longer care for her as it's taking too much of a toll on your own life.
Will the woman who birthed you be happy about that? Hell no, but who really cares? It no longer matters what she wants anymore. All that matters is getting you and your life back on a healthy and happy path before it's too late. You deserve that much.
Please for the love of God DO NOT take the woman who birthed you back into your house after her surgery! Do whatever it takes to keep her out and get her placed in the appropriate facility.
And don't worry about all of her threats as she is just pure evil.
I'm sorry that you had crap for parents. Many of us on here also have, so you're not alone in that area. But now it's up to you to make yourself a priority and again take the necessary steps to take better care of yourself.
And it starts with getting the woman who birthed you out of your house. You will be so glad you did and I'm sure it will be like a 1000 pound weight being lifted off your shoulders.
I look forward to hearing back from you in the future telling us about how much better you're feeling since the woman who birthed you is out of your life.
You tell the medical staff starting with her doctors office that you can not care for her safely in your home.
If mom is refusing rehab and home care then her option is limited. No Surgery.
If her doctor does do the surgery then you again tell the discharge planner that to discharge her to home is unsafe and you are unable to care for her.
I would look into having your mom either legally evicted from your home or if she is not cognizant placing her in Memory Care.
You need to get away from this very toxic environment. You owe your mother noting, she does nothing to help herself or better the situation.
You need to take care of yourself.
You should take advantage of Counseling that your workplace offers. It will help YOU
Get some counseling for yourself as well, to learn how to get on with your life. Call the suicide hotline number at 988 if need be. Your life matters!
The only real solution now is to get her out of your home.
That will take a good deal of honesty. And a whole lot of research and hard work as to how to accomplish placing your mother in care.
You should now consult an attorney-- I would suggest elder law-- to discuss how to pry your mother out of your home, which sadly you have made HER home by inviting her in, albeit without (I would imagine) a legal care contract for shared living costs?). She will either leave willingly to handle her own affairs in an efficiency apartment nearby or in a care facility, or you will have to evict her legally.
Prior to seeing an attorney I would call APS. Why wait for her to do it?
If you currently are POA you will need to resign that. You will tell APS that you are no longer mentally capable of taking care of your mother, and that you feel her continued presence in your home may constitute a danger to both her and to yourself. That you can no longer be accountable for your actions in her regard.
And that she must now go into care one way or another.
They will speak with your mother, and hopefully then with you both.
The only other solutions I can see is to continue to play slave-out-of-favor 24/7 for another several decades, or to really supply a lot of booze. Because she will then one way or another take care of herself in regard to physical and mental health.
You may have another solution I haven't thought of, but that would be my way out had I painted myself into this particular corner. Things we do without clearly thinking them out have dire consequences. Taking your mother into your own home is one of those things. It sure serves as a warning here to others, but that sadly doesn't help you one little bit.
In this country you are not required by law to enslave yourself to a cruel and disabled parent. So you will have to find your solutions now to unwind what you yourself created here. Start with telling you mom she is no longer welcome in your home and will have to move to be moved, and that you plan to accomplish this within the next 6 months, starting now--and that you will see to this one way or the other.
I am your age and refused to allow my mother to come back from the hospital. The discharge team helped place her. I was so relieved I felt giddy. After which I spent at lot of time staring off into space. Finding myself. Getting one’s life back is a huge adjustment! Seize this golden opportunity to get her out! You can do it!
Make sure the hospital understands the situation but not before she's had the surgery and is on her way to rehab.
I am so very sorry that you are in these awful shoes. You MUST, MUST step up to protect yourself. It doesn't matter what the situation is, once anyone says they'll lie about you abusing them, time to take charge and fully disconnect. What she is doing is full on abuse towards you. So yes, there is abuse in this situation, just not the abuse she will claim.
You will feel so empowered if you say, enough of this batchitcrazy female bs in my life! And act to protect yourself.
She has shown you who she is and what she thinks of you, BELIEVE her.
Call APS and tell them you need help because she is using threats and intimidation to keep you as her care slave and it is killing you, you can NOT provide her the level of care she needs and you need their help to change the situation.
Prayers for you that you stand up, shake the dust of her feet off yourself and live the life you deserve.
Who cares what happens to that hateful creature.
My advice is not to stress about it!
Show the letter and tell them , mother will have to be placed after her surgery .
Good Luck . You have done more than enough .
And good advice from all. Alva often said we are genetic accidents and that could apply to you, perhaps you took your mother hoping for connection, family. Oftentimes real family in adulthood is the one we choose and nothing to do with genetics.
And my husband has Parkinson’s disease as well. Probably for good 12 years if not longer formally diagnosed in 2015 but GP noticed changes years before.
He was OK for close to 7 years, but never drunk, ate properly, exercised almost everyday for 2 hours, took pills as advised for PD on time all the time. They are for dopamine deficiency which helps with many things I am sure mixed with alcohol they are not as effective. He followed every advice, his neurologist was for years very optimistic.
Until he fractured his hip over 4 years ago, surgery, followed by rehabilitation and PT for 2 years. Lost some mobility. Still OK until about 12-10 months ago.
Now progress is faster and complications arise.
Now imagine your mother neglecting all of it for years and just hypothetically coming back to live with you after surgery, drinking taking pills with alcohol smoking, maybe falling? Therapy with mobility issues has to be taken seriously.
Like many said call APS, get your dr or drs opinion as I am sure lupus has many symptoms which should preclude you from being caregiver. Don’t worry about CPA but like Margaret said drop mother if she is your clients, they would not listen to some nonsense anyway, there are few accountants on this forum.
Talk to social worker, anybody and everyone who can help and take care of yourself first. You deserve it. And come back and vent. People understand.
When you take her in for surgery, insist this is an unsafe discharge and they must find a place for her. Be firm as social worker will promise the moon if you will take her back home. You have the right to refuse, insist UNSAFE DISCHARGE. Yes, mom will pitch a fit but so be it. She will be placed with professionals. You have done more than enough.
You aren't in this kind of caregiving scenario. So put her in a nursing home. Please take the good advice CaregiverL in the comments has given you. When she goes for her hip surgery tell them she cannot return to your home and you cannot be her caregiver due to your own health problems. Be sure to use the words 'Unsafe Discharge'. Ask to speak to a social worker at the hospital and tell them your mother needs a 'Social Admit' (use this exact term they know what it is). Make sure the social worker knows that you cannot and will not be her caregiver. You can even go so far as to say you're moving to a different home.
The social worker will promise all kinds of resources and unlimited homecare if you'll agree to take her home. Never believe them because it's a lie they tell people to get them to take a person home and get the responsibility off the hospital. They have resources and will get her placed.
Take your life back one step at a time. First step is getting your mother out of your home. Don't let her come back when she goes for her hip surgery. The hospital will sort it out. You did good by joining this forum. This is a good group of people. Many of us, myself included, have been where you are and you will find some good support here.
Then take another step. This one can be joining a club, putting up an online dating profile, reconnecting with old friends that you haven't talked to in a while, or even volunteering somewhere doing something you like. It will get you out of the house and interacting with other people.
You can do it. Your life isn't over at 60. Far from it. You still have good years ahead of you. Please take the first step to getting your life back by refusing to let your mother come back to your home.
First, please do find help asap for the depression.
Just want to agree with all the posters who advised you NOT to share any information about your intentions (especially with your mother!) until after your mother has the surgery. Otherwise mother may very likely cancel the surgery, and then getting her out of the house would be so much harder for you to accomplish.
Her surgery is a golden opportunity...the perfect time and opportunity to refuse her back into your home. Use the exact verbiage which other posters suggest with all medical and social workers "unsafe discharge", etc etc) while adamantly refusing to take her home after discharge..
Okay so you have the plan. Keep it to yourself until mother is getting the surgery at the soonest. You have nothing to gain by alerting anyone in advance of her surgery, but you have alot to lose by doing so. Don't take that risk.
The silver lining has been handed to you - take it.
Best wishes.