Hello. My mom and stepdad have been married for 38 years. I am lucky that my parents created a will eight years ago. I took on the responsibility of being their POA a year and a half ago due to declining health, both with dementia and an inability to care for themselves. They have been living in assisted living, as they both need care and daily help.
Sadly, we lost my mom on January 25th. Out of courtesy, I let my estranged stepsister know about my mom’s passing. She lives in another state and has only seen her dad once in several years. Yes, they do talk on the phone occasionally.
In their will, I am the POA for healthcare and finances. My brother would be next, should I choose not to take on the responsibility. My stepsister is noted as her father’s child, but she is not a beneficiary. Parents have always been cautious because she has struggled with drugs and alcohol for years. They sent her through college and helped her get her first house, which she lost due to addictions. They have put her through rehab twice, but she has continued to struggle.
Since my call, she has been calling her dad, my bonus dad, and insisting that he sign papers allowing her to be POA. Initially, she wanted full POA responsibility because she is his child and I am not. Now, she is telling him that it’s okay if I am POA along with her. She wants to know what is happening with him and his finances.
I have no issues sharing any medical information with her, but I absolutely do not want to share this responsibility with her. She is not someone I trust and her intentions do not appear to be good.
Has anyone else dealt with a sibling or a step sibling in such a situation? She has told her dad that she has a lawyer and all he has to do is sign some papers. I do have an appointment with an elder law attorney coming up to help finalize things with my mom’s recent passing. I will also talk to the attorney about my stepsister.
I have not talked to my stepdad about this because I don’t want to put him in an awkward situation. He, like me, is grieving and having a difficult time with the loss of my mom, his life partner. I love and respect him and want him to be happy, but I do not feel that his daughter has his best interests in mind.
She has let him know that she will be up for two weeks to take care of him and take him places and do things with him along with her boyfriend who struggles as she does. She said she also wants him to sign some papers. He has dementia, he is grieving, and he is vulnerable.
As his POA, do I have the power to tell the facility that she is not allowed to be with him unsupervised and cannot take him out of the home?
Thank you for your help.
This is the natural child. She cannot get POA because of the dementia, but she CAN get guardianship, and she can squander his money thereby.
She cannot change a will either, but with access to it she can sure enough "lose it" which would leave him dying intestate and his funds would go to her.
That you believe she could get POA means you don't fully understand POA and what it means, and the dangerous place you are in. You are dealing here with a natural child. You need to document for the attorney you see exactly what she is up to. The nursing home/facility where her dad is needs to be forewarned.
She could bring an attorney in TOMORROW and that attorney could say dad is "well enough" to make changes. I think that you need an assignment of guardianship now.
Please see an attorney at your nearest convenience and get your options. Your father's funds pay for this.
Yes, as his POA, you can have her banned from seeing him. Also, from taking him out of the facility if he cannot make decisions for himself. Your POA has to be invoked for you to have any control. Normally, a doctor/s have to declare a person incompetent for a POA to be invoked unless the POA is immediate. You need to read your POA to see what type you have.
If your sister has a felony record, she can not become a POA or a guardian.
You are the one in charge here, not your step-sister. It is your legal right to instruct the assisted living that your step-father's biological daughter is not allowed to visit without an appointment and is not allowed to visit unsupervised by you or a person of your choosing. Also, that he is not allowed to be taken out of the facility without your consent and without a chaperone of your choosing. The AL will honor this request.
I went through something similar with my parent and a gold-digger he was involved with. I was the POA for everything. I was very clear with the nursing home that if this person showed up they were to call me and I'd call the police. Your step-sister very likely try to get cute and have your father sign new POA paperwork that she downloaded off the internet. I have seen this happen.
Tell the AL this person and her BF is not allowed to take him out or visit without supervision and they are to call you at once if she shows up. Keep your phone on at all times during her two-week stay.
Eventually you may have to communicate with her only via your lawyers.
Don’t leave anything to chance and do expect your dad to be vulnerable to her and perhaps intimidated by both she and her friend.
People like her can cause a great deal of harm, confusion, anxiety for all concerned. And they may not even realize they are. They are pretty much focused on themselves. The court cases often come AFTER all that has happened and while the court may support you entirely, a lot of the damage may have already been done. So don’t put off contacting the attorney and the admin of dad’s facility to see how you can protect him.
No doubt your sister has had a rough life but that doesn’t make it okay to disrupt your dad’s life or yours at this juncture. We read many posts on how a freshly minted POA has been used to take over an elders life by an estranged relative.
Let us know how this goes. Wishing you lots of luck in protecting dad.
I know you don't want to upset stepdad while he is vulnerable, but it would be wise to give him warning about her intentions. Hopefully, he is aware enough to not sign a new POA assigning her the responsibility. If he does, I think it would not hold up in court if he is mentally compromised or is being coerced.
Hopefully he is in a well-managed care home which will prevent the step sister from creating any havoc. Make sure you speak directly with staff, including the nurse in charge, as well as management and let them know that you fear she is unstable and could cause emotional and financial harm to him.
My cousin allowed her sister to take her dad for overnight and 7 days later he was not back and the next day he passed away!
YES YOU HAVE SAY SO WHO CAN AND WHO CANNOT TAKE HIM FROM THE FACILITY!
I had my daddy in a facility and I let all his kids know that they could visit between this hours and this hours and he could NOT be taken out to a restaurant or on any activity NO MATTER what HE said! I had a note on his file and every staff member knew he was not to leave the facility. Every staff member knew me by sight and I treated those staff members like family - yes I bribed them with candy, treats - thanking them daily for caring for my daddy. They knew he was not to leave!
YOU ARE THE ONE IN CHARGE THAT IS WHAT POA MEANS!
I am living this nightmare now. My older sis had POA (sis #1), I was next in line should she relinquish that duty, then younger sis (sis #3). Younger sis, like your step sister are financially a mess. Sis #3 was using my mothers credit card and racking up an astronomic amount of debt after my mother was officially diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She saw the money train about to end. Sis #1 with POA told her to cut it out, but the behavior only increased. Then one day, sis #3 picked up my Mom, under the guise of being around her and her kids for Christmas. Sis #3 waited til Mom was sundowning and shoved a new POA under her to sign. The next day, Sis #1 texted Mom saying, "don't you remember I had POA?" To which Mom replied, " No I didn't remember that." Social services don't care and are incompetent.
We have been fighting the last 2 1/2 years getting it overturned. We just want Mom's wishes and Mom needs all of her savings for her looming critical care needs. Sis #3 doesn't need another tattoo or more marijuana.
No one cares there was an official diagnosis of Alzheimers Disease by a board certified physician or that he said she couldn't handle her finances and needed a guardian. We still have to fight this through the courts. Your step sister hasn't had a lot or even consistent contact with her father, she can just wait a bit more til you consult with an elder law atty on how best to proceed. Trust me, it is WAY cheaper to pay an atty for advice now, then to battle for years in the courts.
NAELA (National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys https://www.naela.org/) – This is a professional organization of elder law attorneys. You can search by location.
NELA (National Elder Law Foundation https://www.nelf.org/) – They certify elder law attorneys and have a directory of specialists.
Hope this helps.
This is all too common when it comes to a parent soon to pass.
It sounds like to me your father and Mother had already made there arrangements prior to having dementia and knowing what likely might happen with his daughter.
I would reschedule your appointment with the attorney sooner than later. I can only assume you already have two doctors assessment of your father’s dementia and he is not able to make decisions and changes to POA due to his dementia. Which might be why you are handling his medical and financial.
You could have the attorney reach out to her preferably and let her know that changes to his trust can no longer be made. That he is not able to sign any contracts and by asking him too she is doing undue influence.
Also due to his dementia it is not allowed to remove him from the facility.
You can have the attorney Cc the care facility and let them know he is not to be removed and all visitation is to be only in the common area in his facility.
Not sure what stage he is at, and if he even remembers what he wrote in his trust documents. At a advanced stage they could get irritated and confused and harassed by this daughter.
I wish you and your family the best.
Stepmonster will push her father to assign a new POA to her. FYI she cannot change the will, but she can write a new will, take Dad to a lawyer's office, and get it signed. (This was done to my BIL's mother.)
Talk to an elder lawyer and find out what protective orders can be done in advance of the Stepmonster's assault, in addition to written limitations about visitation and taking Dad out of the AL.