I've posted here before and just when I think I'm done banging my head against the wall, I start banging my head against the wall again. My dad is 86 with Parkinsons/some dementia. My mom is 83 and trying to be his caregiver but she has terrible arthritis and seems to be in the beginning stages of dementia due to profound meanness and forgetfulness. They have nighttime care, which I had to force. I arranged for free daytime VA care (which isn't full time), but my mom inexplicably canceled it. She refuses any paid day time care. I have restarted the VA once I found out she canceled it. Speaking of canceling, she has canceled almost every doctor's appointment I've made for her. She's had no blood work done in 3 years. Last night was a family holiday party with my dad's living siblings. I arranged for their caregiver to bring them both (my dad can walk sometimes with a walker or we had his wheelchair). My mom refused to commit on Saturday but I said, "The caregiver needs to know." She said "yes." Then yesterday morning my mom canceled on the caregiver (he told me). She called my aunts. She told them she "had a cold." But at the party, we were all like "So then why didn't she stay home and let the caregiver bring my dad." In her voicemail to me last night, which she left an hour before the party, she said, "I'm sick and your dad doesn't want to go without me." More on this to come...Last week, she did the same thing - I arranged for a daytime caregiver because my kid was in a play and my mom said she wanted to see her. My dad would stay home with the caregiver. I offered to drive her 4 ways so she could. Then that morning she "had a cold" and also said, "Well if your daughter only has two lines in the play, forget it." Sorry my daughter is 11 and not on Broadway, mom! Today, I called my parents and asked to talk to my dad. I said, "Did you want to still go last night even though mom was sick." And he said, "Yes!" So I got my mom on the phone and her first question was, "Are you coming for Christmas?" I said, "Absolutely not." She said, "Why not?" And I said, "Well you have 2 chances to see me and more importantly my daughter in 5 days and you keep canceling so since you do what makes you happy, I'm going to do the same thing." While I didn't yell, I did say, "And Dad wanted to go last night. Why didn't he come with the caregiver?" She said, "He kept changing his mind." He seemed pretty sure to me that he wanted to be there. I calmly said, "Look. Obviously you are burned out. People are trying to help you but you're refusing. I strongly suggest you rebook those doctor appointments you keep canceling." But now I feel guilty because she sounded all sad. But usually she screams at me which is mostly why I'm not going on Christmas. And my sister is. They won't be alone. I still feel crappy but also feel I'm right.
Dear ole Mama can’t just lie, bully, and disregard her own granddaughter and get away with it. She knows good and well what she is doing.
You've offered, you've tried...they refuse. Time to stop offering. Your Mom is probably afraid of seeing doctors, because she won't like what she hears....or they will give the quickie diagnosis of "dementia" that she fears. A Neurologist will be the only accurate source.
You've tried, so time to back off. Don't feel guilty, it's not your fault your parents got old and sick. They have had long lives and this is expected. Get the adult siblings together after the holidays, to figure out what is best. They both should be in AL, but will obviously refuse. It's like herding cats, next to impossible.
Don't fight a losing battle, I'd prepare for the inevitable instead.
Good luck!
Speaking for myself only, I sincerely hope to make my Final Exit before I become an "unsafe discharge". If that doesn't happen, I hope I'll be able to accept what I need care-wise with a modicum of grace. But it won't be an easy transition for me--and it probably won't be for OP's parents either.
Whoever has POA needs to wait for The Phone Call we all dread or get their home sold and them placed in AL with Memory Care available, like FG said.
You can be "right" or you can be compassionate to what's going on with your parents. Yes, it's terribly frustrating, I know. But they shouldn't be living alone anymore with mom trying to run a home and care for dad. Do your best to see where they're at in life right now and act accordingly.
Best of luck.
In the new year get together with family caregivers and gather your thoughts then about what the REAL top problems are here, and how to address them one at a time with the rest of your family participating in caregiving.
You may come to a situation where your parent will not allow your intervention. If that is the case you are down to APS wellness checks and intervention.
Good luck.
Are either you or your sister your parents POA, and if you are have they been activated?
Because if one of you are POA for your parents it may actually be time to look into having them move into an assisted living facility where they will receive the 24/7 care they now require and you can quit banging your head against the wall, and have the peace of mind that your parents are now being looked after the way they should be.
And I'm sure your mom is very burned out trying to care for your dad, while knowing she herself is losing her mental faculties, plus is in constant pain with her arthritis. That has to be very scary and hard I'm sure.
So instead of wanting to be "right" why don't you try educating yourself a bit more about the horrific disease of dementia, so you can be more understanding of what your parents are going through and be better prepared for what is yet to come, as dementia doesn't ever get better, only worse.
And also understand that someone living in constant pain with "terrible arthritis" isn't always going to be bright and chipper, but will often take out their frustrations on those they love most.
Your parents both now need a lot of help and honestly since your mom can no longer comprehend that, I hope you and your sister will step up and get the ball rolling to get them placed in the best assisted living facility(with a memory care attached for down the road)sooner than later.
One thing you perhaps need to accept is that you are NOT going to change the way this works out without dramas from M. If you don’t accept what she says (eg picking up D even if M says no), she is certain to crack a fruity. You need the assurance to tell her that you don’t believe or accept what she says, and that if this continues she is going to end up in a facility – where she will have very few choices. You may not be there yet, but at least be clear that this is coming.
Good luck!
Either we get used to it, or we continually bang our heads against a wall.
From this point on, your mom cannot be counted on to make sense.