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Mom has had a neuromuscular disease for around 20 years and dad retired to take care of her when it happened. She mainly is in a wheelchair and at times uses a walker. She used to be a nurse and was always the boss of the family. She also has many other medical issues, such as macular degeneration. She is incontinent at times and my dad has to clean everything. Around 2 years ago he was diagnosed with possible Parkinson's. Walks really slowly and is very stiff. Also, his cognitive abilities have severely declined. I took the keys away last spring and I am their lifeline to all things needed from the store. I also clean once a month and cook on every other Sunday. My brother live in CA and was just diagnosed with cancer. I had arranged for long term care and she had aides, but she fired 4 of them and disembroiled herself from long term care. She said they don't speak English (which they mainly don't well), they don't know how to give a correct bed bath, and don't do anything unless directed to. Also she feels everyone steals. So she is not open to doing this again. I explained to her that dad can't keep up with this and I work full time (I am 60), newly married again 3 years in. I told I can't come all the time and her response in a nasty way said " you can come whenever you want or not at all". I have POA and the house is in a trust. My mom is on Medicaid. Sometimes my mom is with it and sometimes she is totally irrational. Need advice please. She is not an easy patient.

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Unfortunately you may just have to wait for an "event" to happen with one or both of your parents before anything will change. That's just the sad truth that many adult children of elderly parents face when they're uncooperative.
So in the meantime, set your boundaries and keep them as your husband/marriage needs to be your priority, not your parents, and next time your mom says "you can come whenever you want or not at all" you let her know that you won't be coming and that she'll have to figure things out on her own.
And then call APS and report 2 vulnerable adults living by themselves and let them come out and do an assessment, and then take things from there.
Your mom is being VERY selfish and I do feel sorry for your poor dad. They both need full-time help now, but as long as you continue to prop them up, they will never accept the help they need.
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AlvaDeer 33 min ago
BUT the mom and dad have locked up their funds into an irrevocable trust if I am not mistaken so that our OP can inherit their money. Our OP has said there is a Trust in place and Mom is on Medicaid. This usually means that the parents no longer have control of their funds which they placed in a Trust for their progency.
This has left the couple vulnerable to Medicaid care only. Now hopefully this was understood by all at the time the Trust was created, but if our OP agreed to life care to protect inherited assets she may have placed herself in a vulnerable moral position, IMHO. I hope she will return to comment and let us know, as I am ASSUMING the irrevocable trust was done with an agreement there would be no placement. Otherwise I cannot imagine a couple protecting their children's inheritance at the cost of their on being subjected to usually lesser care.
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Sounds like your parents can not live alone in their home . Call your parents local County Area Agency of Aging to come out and do a needs assessment . Check the county website under dept of aging or somethlng similar . This is how I got the ball rolling with my mother who refused caregivers to come to the home . She was deemed to be unsafe to live alone which helped get her into assisted living . Although I sold her home as well as she had some savings .
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AlvaDeer 3 hours ago
They have, as I understand it, and irrevocable trust. Means they will be on Medicaid nursing home. I think our OP may hesitate in that she may be beneficiary on the irrevocable trust that prevents their accessing a better level of care? Not sure.
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I am personally not a fan of Irrevocable trusts. I'm sad your parents chose (apparently) one. Were this a Revocable Trust they could otherwise now access funds for their care and your relief while they could NOT access Medicaid.

If your parents were, when they made an Irrevocable Trust, already aware of mom's disability, this is all the more sad. As an RN she would have known she would need a lot of care. And as an RN she would have learned that when disease and disability enter the fray, you are anything but the "boss" ANYTHING in life.
As an RN that was for me a given I saw play out daily.

Your mom and I share similarities. Both RNs. Both with a daughter.
But we chose different paths. I raised my daughter, loved my profession, and scrimped and saved and coupon-clipped (while still enjoying vacations). I saved a lifetime to get assets enough to give me GOOD care in age hopefully for the duration--WITHOUT needing to require care from my child.
Here I am. 82. It seems to have come so fast! Here is she, 63 and hurting.

My daughter close to retirement. She, alike has scrimped and saved, put her son through college (with a bit of help) and now suffers from some serious back and hip issues. Life/luck being what they are.

Were I to crumble now, there would be no question of daughter moving from her state to care for ME. THAT'S for sure. Nor would I ever let that happen. To me, NOW is the time I hope my daughter and SIL will have the magic of retirement I had for two decades when we built a little second place in the country: watched the foxes in the hedgerow, weedwhipped while the dogs ran about, went to Europe.
I am already OLD and had my life, but they just embarked on some of the best years of their lives--the most free--IF they can stay on their feet to enjoy it.
How dreadful to me it would be to think them expected to throw their lives on my burning funeral pyre.

I've saved hard, as I told you to support myself while I lived and to provide decent care when needed. I would never ever have considered an irrevocable trust to protect my assets for my heirs. I HOPE I will have the good grace to exit before I spend it all up; I'd love to leave the kids something, but who can predict?

So you have told us about your life. I have told you about my own. My point is that it comes down to a choice and a gamble as to what will work best for the good of ALL and we all make our own choices and bear the consequences of them, and the rewards.

Some day, I think, you will be the inheritor of a large trust, protected for you by your parents. It is all a part of the bargain. My wish for you now, then, is good strength to carry out your part in that bargain. Because without you, your parents are totally at the MERCY of Medicaid. I treasure Medicaid; don't get me wrong. I don't quite know what to say; it's a wonderful government program, well-meaning, and thank GOD, a social net for so many, but it isn't the care that your parents could BUY if they had money, for this their last years.

I am so sorry for what has befallen your mom. I thank goodness every day I can still get up and function at 82. I have been so very lucky. Life can be so tough, and it hurts me to see my daughter suffer while her sweet hubby can still hike a huge long trail at 70.
Life is just full of very hard decisions. IF you are your parents only heir to what will be a sizable estate, do consider hiring in now for them and for yourself the best care you can personally afford, knowing it will be forthcoming to you in future.

I wish you the very best. I am so very sorry. And sorry for my own long story; just told it to illustrate different people, different choices. Had I chosen the path of Irrevocable Trust with my daughter the inheritor, hoping she would care for me for life? She couldn't even if she WANTED to. And there I would be.

Again, very best of luck to you, and to your parents as well. This must be very to
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Sounds like my daddy and my mama. Yikes!
Your POA cannot be enacted unless mom and dad give that power to you.
Need to get help in there - if you can hire someone - introduce them as friends of yours and that you have been friends for years. Accompany them the first few times that they come over and let them clean, and do the house work. After a few times leave about half way through the visits and let the person continue to be there. Then accompany the assistant there and leave immediately letting the aide do their job.
ideally if you can get them into an assisted living place that would be great. But if they are anything like my parents this will not be easy.
Know as I close this note a prayer has been offered up for you and your situation.
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AlvaDeer 3 hours ago
Their funds are in an irrevocable trust I believe. Mom is on Medicaid, and the OP mentions a trust, so their funds will never be accessible for their care. I think that is the problem about placing them in care. Not sure and hoping our OP will return to let us know if care is not an option because of it being of necessity Medicaid care.
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Oh, boy. You have to get her help, whether she wants it or not. As long as you're there, she will leave it all on you with no regards to your job or life.
I went through similar with my aunt. She didn't want anyone in the house. She got mean and nasty with me and told me she didn't need help and that I didn't have to bother helping her. It was all left on me. I bowed out, but luckily for her, her other niece was able to get someone to come in and help.
If she keeps firing people or refuses help, go on with your life and leave them to their own devices, I'm afraid. If you keep rescuing them, you're going to get stuck doing this and you and your job are going to suffer. Either get help in the house, go to a facility or leave them to their own devices.
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