Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
hugs!!!
i’m surrrre your father is very happy to be alive (even with all the health troubles).

our desire to live is STRONG.
you did the right thing in saving his life.

regarding the future, you and he can discuss his wishes. i have a friend whose mother has clearly said, from now on, no more saving.

right now OP, i’m sure your father’s very glad you saved his life.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Hindsight is 20/20. Now as you move forward please make sure he has a Advance Healthcare Directive with a DNR. If your Dad was sharp up until his medical emergency and you knew he would have wanted life-saving treatment, then you did the right thing, even if his future quality of life is now changed forever.

Please don't feel guilty. Think of it as the other "G" word: grief. So many on this forum have been in your shoes -- or are about to be. Blessings to you and may you gain peace in your heart.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

They ALL SAID “We want to live at home (and if they thought far enough into the future, DIE at home)”.

We ALL SAID “He’ll DIE (it will break his heart, it will kill him) if we have to (seek residential care, put him away, stick him in a nursing home, abandon him)”.

But the FACT IS, many elderly who are physically disabled or suffer dementia or are fall risks or are embarrassed by being cared for by family etc etc, actually learn to love their caregivers, enjoy pleasant surroundings in residential settings, and realize a renewed appreciation for their “new” lives.

I was the “noble daughter” until my own health began to crumble, and my young family came to miss a full time mom.

And as it happened, I DIDN’T “abandon” my mom. I had more quality time with her, and more interaction with her, than I had when she clung to the cozy little home where she’d lived before the fall down her steep steps almost killed her.

Elder life is not for sissies, BUT ELDER CARE isn’t for sissies either. You quickly learn that you have no “good” choices, and maybe ALL the choices STINK, but with LOVE and as much current information as you can pull together, YOU, AS CAREGIVER, SOLDIER ON.

You LOVE your dad, you made a choice with potentially no good outcomes using your love for him and in the heat of an emergency, all the information that was available to you.

And you know what? You couldn’t have done ANYTHING DIFFERENTLY. Continue to base YOUR DECISION MAKING on your love for him, the facts at your disposal, and his SAFETY and WELL-BEING and PEACE and COMFORT.

If you are doing that, you can’t do anything more. Hopes and Blessings…..
Helpful Answer (20)
Report
PJAMMY2022 Sep 2022
Thank you so much for unguilting me! I retired from a job I loved after my mom fell and hurt herself…tried to continue to work once I got her somewhat settled but her deterioration continued….I couldn’t. She also is legally blind and her right her doesn’t work…moved her closer to me but the going back and forth was exhausting and I thought if I moved her in it would be easier…one month later…NOT! She’s more demanding because I’m here…she doesn’t mean to be and she’s not unkind…I got some help but have realized I’m sinking and have been sinking into a depression for awhile. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. There are days I’d like to get in my car with my dog and just drive away and leave it all! Wow…feel bad saying that. My brother lives about 10 minutes away but we’ve never gotten along…he gets her once a weekend and speaks very unkindly about me and making accusation. It’s really sad because if he would help just a little bit…but it’s not going to happen. That’s the reality. So I’m praying I’ll get a clear guidance on what to do…I personally think she would benefit from a nursing facility…thanks for listening…
(4)
Report
See 1 more reply
Your golden child brother didn't change any diapers? After the favoritism shown to your brother you wrote about in another post, I would have let HIM take care of your father (he only lives 10 mins away). He should have been the HCPOA, also.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

When you hold the life and death card for someone, the right decision is probably the most difficult to make.

What did you dad want to do in this case? Did he tell you?

I know what I would choose for myself if I were in dad's situation.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

Either decision would have left you with guilt. I think since dad's mind is intact you should have a conversation with him about what he wants in terms of life saving measures going forward.
Helpful Answer (17)
Report

Oh Abby! I know the feeling!

At 92, my mom, with dementia, already living in a NH started having erratic and low heart rate. Cardio told us that a pacemaker was jot an "extraordinary measure" which mom's DNR and other documents said should be refused. My POA brother ended up asking mom did she want the device and she said yes, clearly after some thought.

I was left thinking that mom, 20 years earlier had always told me that she DIDN’T want to live like that, i.e., debilitated, old, in a home.

I think you did the right thing. (((HUGS)))
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
sp19690 Sep 2022
I think you missed what OP said. She did the life saving measures and now he will have to live in a nursing home and have his diaper changed daily. She regrets that decision.

And how do you ask someone with dementia what they want? Shouldn't moms directive made before the dementia have been what was honored not the decision of a demented elder?
(6)
Report
See 1 more reply
You did the best you could at the time. It’s pointless to wish you had decided the opposite. Why tell yourself that it was your right or your obligation to “have set him free to his last journey”? It wasn't. Just keep thinking about what is best.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Great big warm hug!

He might actually love being in a skilled nursing facility. Help him give it his best try.

I am so sorry that you are going through this struggle but, you did the best you could and it will all be okay.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
sp19690 Sep 2022
Do you think he will love wearing a diaper and having it changed daily? Or being bed ridden in skilled nursing with his intact mind but weak and disabled body? I am thinking probably not. But thats why it's important to have these talks wirh loved ones before things happen. Unfortunately many seniors refuse to have the conversation and this is the result. Guilt whichever decision the OP made.
(12)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter