Dad (93) has been going downhill gradually since his bout with pneumonia in June. But still insisted on living alone, with help from family members. He fell last Thursday and his health took a nosedive. Yesterday he was so weak he couldn't get out of bed and became incontinent. After much pleading and begging, he relented to the dreaded 911 call. This proud man was now relying on his daughters to change a diaper and the bedding after leaking through. Once he was settled at the ER his BP was still erratic, dropped significantly, and his heart rate jumped to 270. I had to make the decision to approve a cardioversion or allow him to die. The choice was obvious, but in hindsight.... did I do the "right" thing? He'll need 24 hour care now and it will break his heart to live in a facility. I'm at odds as how to move forward. His mental faculties are sharp which sometimes I think can be a detriment. At this juncture I'm drowning in guilt because I think I should have set him free to his last journey.
i’m surrrre your father is very happy to be alive (even with all the health troubles).
our desire to live is STRONG.
you did the right thing in saving his life.
regarding the future, you and he can discuss his wishes. i have a friend whose mother has clearly said, from now on, no more saving.
right now OP, i’m sure your father’s very glad you saved his life.
Please don't feel guilty. Think of it as the other "G" word: grief. So many on this forum have been in your shoes -- or are about to be. Blessings to you and may you gain peace in your heart.
We ALL SAID “He’ll DIE (it will break his heart, it will kill him) if we have to (seek residential care, put him away, stick him in a nursing home, abandon him)”.
But the FACT IS, many elderly who are physically disabled or suffer dementia or are fall risks or are embarrassed by being cared for by family etc etc, actually learn to love their caregivers, enjoy pleasant surroundings in residential settings, and realize a renewed appreciation for their “new” lives.
I was the “noble daughter” until my own health began to crumble, and my young family came to miss a full time mom.
And as it happened, I DIDN’T “abandon” my mom. I had more quality time with her, and more interaction with her, than I had when she clung to the cozy little home where she’d lived before the fall down her steep steps almost killed her.
Elder life is not for sissies, BUT ELDER CARE isn’t for sissies either. You quickly learn that you have no “good” choices, and maybe ALL the choices STINK, but with LOVE and as much current information as you can pull together, YOU, AS CAREGIVER, SOLDIER ON.
You LOVE your dad, you made a choice with potentially no good outcomes using your love for him and in the heat of an emergency, all the information that was available to you.
And you know what? You couldn’t have done ANYTHING DIFFERENTLY. Continue to base YOUR DECISION MAKING on your love for him, the facts at your disposal, and his SAFETY and WELL-BEING and PEACE and COMFORT.
If you are doing that, you can’t do anything more. Hopes and Blessings…..
What did you dad want to do in this case? Did he tell you?
I know what I would choose for myself if I were in dad's situation.
At 92, my mom, with dementia, already living in a NH started having erratic and low heart rate. Cardio told us that a pacemaker was jot an "extraordinary measure" which mom's DNR and other documents said should be refused. My POA brother ended up asking mom did she want the device and she said yes, clearly after some thought.
I was left thinking that mom, 20 years earlier had always told me that she DIDN’T want to live like that, i.e., debilitated, old, in a home.
I think you did the right thing. (((HUGS)))
And how do you ask someone with dementia what they want? Shouldn't moms directive made before the dementia have been what was honored not the decision of a demented elder?
He might actually love being in a skilled nursing facility. Help him give it his best try.
I am so sorry that you are going through this struggle but, you did the best you could and it will all be okay.