I have 4 older siblings (all retired) and then there is me, the baby sister at 54. I had been caring for my mom every other week and alternating with my sister. We did that for almost 2 years. However, I was driving an hour each way and had to let go of my job.
Fast forward, I got offered a job that I have wanted for 2 years. I accepted the offer. That week I was caring for my mom. I immediately sent a group text to my siblings to let them know and see who would be coming to take my place within 8 days. I heard from no one.
16 hours before I would go to my dream job, still no one had stepped up to relieve me. I talked to my mom, who agreed to pay me close to what I would have made at the new job. Nobody stepped up, and I withdrew my application.
I had nothing but a verbal agreement with my 89 year old mom. Boy, that was a mistake. After the 1st week, my pay dropped. After 3 months, it dropped again, and 2 weeks ago it dropped even more.
So I guess I’m asking, why am I still doing this? I love my mom and want to help but my family and mother are so controlling. $125 for 24 hours under the table is equivalent to how much an hour? Under $6 per hours if my math is correct. Does anyone think this is crazy, or is it me?
So without meaning to be mean, just a bit of tough love, yes, although you did it with good intentions, it was crazy to let go of your dream job and it is crazy now for you to remove yourself from the professional workforce with its salary, benefits, retirement, social security, etc. to be paid $6.00 an hour under the table. So don't do it.
I was out of work for a bit and my father thought that meant I had more time to drive him around. What I didn't have was money to fill my gas tank and I told him as much. He was offended! How could expect him to pay for my gas. I informed him I wasn't expecting him to pay for my gas, I was telling him I couldn't do this because I couldn't afford the gas.
So only you can make the necessary changes now to improve things, and I would start with getting your resume back out there.
And if and when you get a job offer, you accept it and you give your notice to your family and if no one steps up, who cares, you move on with your life.
If your mom needs that much care then she'll have to be placed in the appropriate facility.
I'm going to type all caps: FAMILY IS SELFISH! PERIOD!
Where you made your mistake was to tell your family so that they could sabotage your moving forward. Each time you turn down a job to move forward, you are turning down an opportunity to pay into your own social security, Medicare and future savings for your own retirement.
Get your resume out there. Pick up a part time job at a grocery store, bank teller or anything while looking for another dream job opportunity. In other words, start detaching from this nonsense. It is not your responsibility to take care of your mother.
Let your mother pay out of pocket for a home care aide. Stop believing lies. Too many caregivers have ended up homeless listening to so-called family members.
As we say in AlAnon, your best thinking got you here; meaning, where you are now in your current situation. You used a warped thinking process to land where you are. It is not up to anyone else to get you out of this mess. It starts with you. It's called self responsibility.
Get counseling to figure out what is driving your behavior to self-sabotage yourself into staying in a no win situation.
Yes, there's quite a lot of "craziness" going on here because what you are doing could well prevent you mom from getting into care when she needs to unless she can support herself in ALF or MC for fully five years "lookback" by Medicaid.
This is one of the worst things you can do as an elder. Look up "gifting and Medicaid rules".
A care contract with an attorney would protect you both. You would be paid and she would be protected by paying for care, and not being accused of gifting.
There is a saying "Ignorance is no excuse before the law". Meaning there are rules and if you break them because you are uninformed there will be no relief of it in judgement, and the price paid will be steep.
It is NOT on you when you accept your DREAM JOB whether or not anyone else picks up the slack. It is on THEM.
Because, guess what, you just gave notice and resigned.
As to Mom, she then either replaces you, and pays to do so
OR
she gets another family member who is as uninformed and malleable as you were
OR
she goes into care where she will be cared for.
You have written us well after the horse left the barn.
What can we say now? Sorry about the lost dream job? Sorry you are stuck with mom? Sorry she isn't paying? Sorry you didn't choose the dream job? Sorry mom is going to be in trouble for gifting and never able to access Medicaid when she needs it?
Because I am. I am very, very sorry about all of it.
If I were you, I'd get out fast. This is a bad situation for you, and you don't have to be under mama's thumb or dictated to by your siblings. You're 54 years old, for pete's sake! An adult! Go, and let them figure out who is going to take care of your mother. She should go to Assisted Living, where she can live it up at social functions, enjoy the entertainment, and be free of all of you. If I were your mom, I'd rather do that than be beholden to my children or put them out in any way.
Even I got mad reading it when you said you gave up a job you really wanted for this. Pay aside, this is a job you wanted.
I have not read all comments yet, but can your mom pay for outside help?
In response to your question: Are you crazy? Yes, in a way, not for thinking the pay is low but for doing it anyway
I was a relationship seminar once. The counselor who led the seminar said he always gets gripes from say a woman (or a man) asking why the significant other is doing such crazy things, why are they behaving this way.
The counselor said the right question is not why are the other people this way, the question is why are you staying with someone who acts that crazy
And it sort of applies here
Now I'm doing much less, doing what I do for the right reason and expecting nothing out of mom or my family as far as even a thank you. Much happier now
Do what you need to do to extricate yourself from this situation.
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