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I have 4 older siblings (all retired) and then there is me, the baby sister at 54. I had been caring for my mom every other week and alternating with my sister. We did that for almost 2 years. However, I was driving an hour each way and had to let go of my job.


Fast forward, I got offered a job that I have wanted for 2 years. I accepted the offer. That week I was caring for my mom. I immediately sent a group text to my siblings to let them know and see who would be coming to take my place within 8 days. I heard from no one.


16 hours before I would go to my dream job, still no one had stepped up to relieve me. I talked to my mom, who agreed to pay me close to what I would have made at the new job. Nobody stepped up, and I withdrew my application.


I had nothing but a verbal agreement with my 89 year old mom. Boy, that was a mistake. After the 1st week, my pay dropped. After 3 months, it dropped again, and 2 weeks ago it dropped even more.


So I guess I’m asking, why am I still doing this? I love my mom and want to help but my family and mother are so controlling. $125 for 24 hours under the table is equivalent to how much an hour? Under $6 per hours if my math is correct. Does anyone think this is crazy, or is it me?

Can you go back and accept the dream job now? If not, you need to apply for another one. Tell your mother and siblings you need to go back into the workforce full-time, and that she will need to make another arrangement with one or more paid caregivers, or move to an assisted living facility. I'm sorry your family let you down but you have no right to control how your siblings spend their time and your mother has no right to control how you spend yours.

So without meaning to be mean, just a bit of tough love, yes, although you did it with good intentions, it was crazy to let go of your dream job and it is crazy now for you to remove yourself from the professional workforce with its salary, benefits, retirement, social security, etc. to be paid $6.00 an hour under the table. So don't do it.
Helpful Answer (15)
Reply to MG8522
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I am sitting here reading your post like a person who is watching a horror movie yelling "don't go in the basement!" except I was yelling "no no NO!!! Don't give up that job offer!". Never jeopardize your future to accommodate someone else. They will never appreciate it. But the damage is done. Now you need to fix this mess. Start looking for a new job. Even if it isn't a dream job but a good one TAKE IT! Do not worry about someone filling in for you. NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Save yourself. If your mom is capable of lowering your pay she is capable of hiring someone else to look after her.

I was out of work for a bit and my father thought that meant I had more time to drive him around. What I didn't have was money to fill my gas tank and I told him as much. He was offended! How could expect him to pay for my gas. I informed him I wasn't expecting him to pay for my gas, I was telling him I couldn't do this because I couldn't afford the gas.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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Yes it is crazy and so are you for giving up your dream job and falling for your moms lies. And you only have yourself to blame. Not your siblings as it's not their responsibility to care for your mom just like it's not yours.
So only you can make the necessary changes now to improve things, and I would start with getting your resume back out there.
And if and when you get a job offer, you accept it and you give your notice to your family and if no one steps up, who cares, you move on with your life.
If your mom needs that much care then she'll have to be placed in the appropriate facility.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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I'm sorry that you gave up your dream job.

I'm going to type all caps: FAMILY IS SELFISH! PERIOD!

Where you made your mistake was to tell your family so that they could sabotage your moving forward. Each time you turn down a job to move forward, you are turning down an opportunity to pay into your own social security, Medicare and future savings for your own retirement.

Get your resume out there. Pick up a part time job at a grocery store, bank teller or anything while looking for another dream job opportunity. In other words, start detaching from this nonsense. It is not your responsibility to take care of your mother.

Let your mother pay out of pocket for a home care aide. Stop believing lies. Too many caregivers have ended up homeless listening to so-called family members.

As we say in AlAnon, your best thinking got you here; meaning, where you are now in your current situation. You used a warped thinking process to land where you are. It is not up to anyone else to get you out of this mess. It starts with you. It's called self responsibility.

Get counseling to figure out what is driving your behavior to self-sabotage yourself into staying in a no win situation.
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Reply to Scampie1
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You’re not crazy, you’re just being unfairly used. The power is with you to accept or change that. It’s not up to your siblings to provide care for mom if they don’t choose to be involved. You might not agree with them but they’re adults free to decide what’s best for them and they’ve made the decision not to be caregivers. Mom has alternatives other than you, you didn’t have to let go of your job or decline a new one, those were your decisions. Hopefully you can decide if the cost to your health and financial wellbeing is worth it
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Under the table payment? Oh, boy. What a mess.
Yes, there's quite a lot of "craziness" going on here because what you are doing could well prevent you mom from getting into care when she needs to unless she can support herself in ALF or MC for fully five years "lookback" by Medicaid.
This is one of the worst things you can do as an elder. Look up "gifting and Medicaid rules".
A care contract with an attorney would protect you both. You would be paid and she would be protected by paying for care, and not being accused of gifting.

There is a saying "Ignorance is no excuse before the law". Meaning there are rules and if you break them because you are uninformed there will be no relief of it in judgement, and the price paid will be steep.

It is NOT on you when you accept your DREAM JOB whether or not anyone else picks up the slack. It is on THEM.
Because, guess what, you just gave notice and resigned.
As to Mom, she then either replaces you, and pays to do so
OR
she gets another family member who is as uninformed and malleable as you were
OR
she goes into care where she will be cared for.

You have written us well after the horse left the barn.
What can we say now? Sorry about the lost dream job? Sorry you are stuck with mom? Sorry she isn't paying? Sorry you didn't choose the dream job? Sorry mom is going to be in trouble for gifting and never able to access Medicaid when she needs it?
Because I am. I am very, very sorry about all of it.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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You'd better understand the risks and consequences for YOU when you get paid under the table. It is illegal and you could face IRS penalties and even prison time. Oh, but that would never happen to you! But wait, all it would take is one disgruntled family member to report you.

If I were you, I'd get out fast. This is a bad situation for you, and you don't have to be under mama's thumb or dictated to by your siblings. You're 54 years old, for pete's sake! An adult! Go, and let them figure out who is going to take care of your mother. She should go to Assisted Living, where she can live it up at social functions, enjoy the entertainment, and be free of all of you. If I were your mom, I'd rather do that than be beholden to my children or put them out in any way.
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Reply to Fawnby
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I think you do it as you do love her, but that often leads to unrealistic commitments.

Even I got mad reading it when you said you gave up a job you really wanted for this. Pay aside, this is a job you wanted.

I have not read all comments yet, but can your mom pay for outside help?

In response to your question: Are you crazy? Yes, in a way, not for thinking the pay is low but for doing it anyway

I was a relationship seminar once. The counselor who led the seminar said he always gets gripes from say a woman (or a man) asking why the significant other is doing such crazy things, why are they behaving this way.

The counselor said the right question is not why are the other people this way, the question is why are you staying with someone who acts that crazy

And it sort of applies here
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Reply to Karsten
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Didn't read others replies, but I'll tell you why I did it. I did it for all the wrong reasons, I did it to get my mother's love, appreciation, approval, got non of that, just used and used and expected to do do do.

Now I'm doing much less, doing what I do for the right reason and expecting nothing out of mom or my family as far as even a thank you. Much happier now
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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Hothouseflower Feb 1, 2025
Yeah I retired in large part to help take care of my parents. That was four years ago. I figured I’d be done by now (lmao). I did it to be decent. I guess it is wrong to have hoped for a thank you or acknowledgement of my efforts or some appreciation from my mother or maybe an I love you would’ve been great also. None of that ever happened and I’m actually disappointed. I should have realized who I was dealing with based on past behavior. She hadn’t changed..

Do what you need to do to extricate yourself from this situation.
(5)
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Tough decisions….no wonderful answer. Personally I do what I do for my mom because no one wanted the job {brother} and I love her. She was a great mom who happened to get old {91} and demented. Did I enjoy these past 6 years?….…NO. I have lost my retirement. I am getting old myself..74. Make a decision then stick to it before you get old…moms now days can live to 100-105!
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Reply to Sadinroanokeva
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