I'm 41. I always had "overprotective" parents growing up- didn't want me spending the night at people's houses, going away without them etc. Financially, they did what they could for me and I can't say I wasn't spoiled. Had good toys, always had food,my dad bought me my first car even. For financial matters I can't complain. Problem is, I feel indebted to my parents due to financial reasons. Dad took me places I liked, was good to me. Mother worked more hours and sometimes spent time with me but there was always a coldness to her. I held a lot of resentment toward her because of the number of arguments she'd start with my dad growing up - I was an only child and very sensitive (WAS..definitely not now). When they were together, I was terrified. I'm an adult now. I left home in my early twenties, got a roommate later lived on my own. But when I went to nursing school, I moved back in with them to reduce rent and afford school. Problem is, I never left. It's been 7 years and I have constantly found reasons not to leave.
Now financially, I feel as if I've paid them back in many ways. I've consistently paid for groceries, dinners, some bills, their meds etc for the past few years. Maybe we break even I don't know, I don't keep track. Dads memory is now going and my mother MAY have parkinsons. She has put herself in the hospital three times since last December after breaking a hip. She used to be an active person and is now literally sitting on a hospital bed parked in their living room, going from the bed to the bedside commode all day. Doesn't lift a finger to do dishes or laundry or cleaning or pay bills or put together her medications. So basically the entire household work plus making pill boxes, driving to get groceries, bringing her her toothbrush stuff, bringing her pills, bringing her EVERY meal. It's not fair to me. I was never an angry person, now I am furious and constantly yelling at them. An accident happened in front of me the other day which I knew would make me late for work (again) and I literally screamed at the top of my lungs and broke my mirror by hitting it. Obviously something needs to give because this violent streak is not me. I'm running on a short fuse. I work night shifts, get back and instead of being able to go to sleep after work or relax, she has a list of demands when I walk in the door.
Resolution- I am moving out by spring. Already told them. Of course the guilt trip from dad "I don't know what we will do if you leave" and her demands increase as always. As I'm writing this, "could you cut my hair short?" (Did I mention she doesn't leave the house unless it's a medical emergency) and just now "is there pepsi? Could you bring me some?"
I can't. I've given up too much of my life for this. And yet that little selfish feeling in the bsck of my mind continues.. DO I owe them for all the financial help over the years? will they be ok when I go? I'll still come by a few times a week to visit but just need my space and mental and emotional stability back... thanks for listening if you got this far. Whew! Didn't know I had so much to vent. Guess we are all in similar row boats...
Really not okay to feed, clothes, wash themselves or manage their home & finances. Well?
Then their denial gets pushed aside - to reveal their reality.
They may need some assistance with certain things but you don’t have to be the one to provide it for them. Have you ever discussed or suggested that they move to a facility?
Build the life that you want for yourself and visit mom and dad as their daughter when you can.
Wishing you all the best as you move forward in your life.
Lol you got me riled up. Move out and let things play out.
Do what you can do. When it becomes too much, you will know. What's that expression re: Boundaries.. balancing betw loving others & loving yourself.
Read this in a Forbes article the other day: "Take Back Your Power
It’s never too late to take back your power. Commit to becoming the driver—rather than the passenger—in your life. Decide that you’re going to be in control of how you think, feel, and behave regardless of the situation you find yourself in."
Time for next chapter-game plan. Why do many elderly feel it is incumbent upon their grown Kids to become their personal Caregivers at the cost of their Kids' careers-Kids-Significant Others-Grandkids??? I think this mentality is beyond selfish. You should want your Kids to soar!
This got me "literally sitting on a hospital bed parked in their living room" She should not need a hospital bed. There is a bar that can be slipped under the mattress to help her pull herself up. This is ridiculous to still have a hospital bed in the living room.
Time to evaluate so you can move out with no guilt. And, you must move out. Ask Moms PCP if he will order in home therapy for Mom. While the therapist is there discuss the use of the hospital bed. Ask if the home can be evaluated for safety. Tell the therapist what Mom won't do. That you r moving and she needs to be able to do her ADLs on her own. Make it clear to the Therapist that you ARE moving. That your stay was temporary why you finished your Nursing degree. You have stayed too long.
Have you been doing the shopping? Time for Mom to either start shopping or learning how to order. Maybe talk to Office of Aging to see what resources are out there for Mom and Dad. If they are low income, maybe they can get in home help from Medicaid. There are options out there other than u. If they have money, have them use it to have someone come in. Do realize that Dads care may get too much for Mom and he will need to be placed.
Before you move out, set boundaries with Mom. You work 8 hrs a day or 12 hrs a day 40 hrs a week. After working all day, being able to be there for them is not going to be ur priority. (I have been told by those who work 12 hr shifts, the first day they are off they sleep) Your days off are your time. There will be things u need to do. If u want, set up one if those days to run errands for Mom. Bring dinner or take them out. But its on your terms, not theirs.
If they are living in a house, maybe time to sell and downsize if upkeep is getting too much. You should not be doing it.
A child's only "job" is to thrive, learn, grow and learn to make their own way in the c world. What you "owe" is to pay your parents" foundational support FORWARD to the next generation and to society.
Your mom, at b 71, is quite young to be so disabled. Are you enablingbthat, I wonder?
Yes, your parents need help and support. From hired in-home caregivers or from staff at a facility. I would move Jan 1 in your shoes.
Yes, DO think about this.
Is this just venting? Or is it the start of re-assessing your situation.
Venting can be valuable just on it's own.. but can be the amazing first step, of many, leading up, up, up towards your goals.
After working a nightshift, your body requires sleep. Fact.
For you to be 'on-call' for your folks instead of sleep is bananas imho.
It would be reasonable to go to your room, shut the door & sleep. If this is not possible where you are, because the folks have constant needs (stemming from disability/impairment) - find another way to get this essential need for sleep met.
I would suggest renting a small apartment or even a room, close to your work (or other area you like). Install a comfy bed there. Go there after nightshifts to sleep.
You could use it just as a separate 'bedroom'. Or a part-time mini-home, staying between there & your parents on days off - for starters.
How will Mom cope? Your folks are SO ready for assisted living! That's one suggestion to give her!
Or, suggest your folks arrange home services. A cleaning service, meals delivered, shopping assistance etc. They can get an aged assessment to work out their needs. (Basically to replace you as their on-call Maid).
All three of you are kind of stuck in 'only us three' mode. I can see how it could happen - strong family bonds are a wonderful thing. But excluding all other 'non-family' is not.
No man (or woman) is an island.
You definitely need some resources to maintain your sanity and your finances. I can't advise you on the specifics as to how you can make that happen, but I urge you to do whatever you have to do in order to find peace. You are just one person, after all, and you can't be all things to all people. I know, too, from spending time on this website, that even caregivers who have siblings may feel very alone and isolated with their responsibilities because their siblings aren't able or willing to do their fair share. It really sucks when you somehow find yourself in the unenviable situation of doing it all.
If you parents treated you well psychologically when you were a kid, and if they also provided for you financially, then yes, you owe them something as a matter of karma, but don't let feelings of guilt or obligation push you past your human limits. If you are feeling overwhelmed by what they need and/or want from you, then it's time to pull away, set boundaries, and figure out the perfect level of involvement you want to have with their daily care. I think moving out is a good first step because then you are assured a safe haven, a place where you can be yourself for a certain number of hours a day. I bet that once you have your own place that you will automatically feel a little better.
Best wishes to you.
You can't be an effective nurse if you spend all your energy & time on just one, right? You have to spread yourself over ALL the patients you have, over all the tasks, prioritising & reprioritising as you go.
Now this *I owe them* language. This is not a bank loan... Your parents had a child & they raised you. That's what families do.
Then children grow up, move out & become independent. They can assist with elder parents as they can.
How about changing "I owe them' to 'I help them'?
Then, working out what is a reasonable amount to help.
My suggestion is to move out, grant yourself autonomy asap, and offer to help your parents bring in caregivers or sell their home and move into Assisted Living. Be there FOR them w/o being their EVERYTHING. Otherwise, you'll get sucked into the vortex and lose your SELF in the process. Trust me on that.
Wishing you the best of luck taking care of yourself and offering your help to your parents.
When did your mom break her hip? Did she go to rehab after or straight home? Is she getting PT? If not, please ask her doctor to order her some home PT ASAP.
You're seriously burnt out. And sleep deprived. You need a break. Move out as soon as you can. But NOW you need to start getting them the help they will need in your absence. Like a cleaning lady. And some aides for them.
How old are they?
Has dad seen a doctor about his memory? Why do you say mom MAY have Parkinson's? Is that a guess or have docs said that?
Get busy extricating yourself.