She had 4 more surgeries and was in really bad shape with heart, lung, and diabetic issues, of which I only know a little because, like all alcoholics, she is secretive. She is a hoarder and terrible house keeper. Another friend and I tried to help out her daughter in caring for her when she finally was sent home. The daughter is now not speaking to her mom and her other daughter has been estranged for many years, but helps her sister when she can. I know both daughters well. My friend will not allow visitors, but I stopped in anyway the other day to take her favorite sandwich to her and see how things were going. Although her house has always been a mess, the condition now is unimaginable, smells and no space to even walk. I can't even think on how it could have gotten so bad. She is mobile and back at work, but obviously not able to do for herself all that needs done. She scooted me out the door very quickly. My brother had a very similar situation, depression, drinking and living in filth and isolation, and died because of it. I don't want this to happen to my friend, but really don't know what to do. I have a bit of ptsd from my brother's death. I'm wondering if I should call her daughter and see if APS has ever been called. Her daughter has made it clear she is not going to care for her mom any longer. And good for her. There were verbal fights, accusations, threats and I don't know what all. Her daughter came to me at the beginning of all this, thought that because I had cared for my mom for many years I could help her manage her mom. I told her the situation is nothing like my mom's. It is like my brother's and I couldn't help him. Anyone have ideas?
I really don't see what APS can do. She is not elderly and does not have Dementia. If she wants to live in fifth, thats her prerogative.
Really, you can't help an addict that doesn't want it. You can be there for her when she wants you to be. Sounds like her diabetes has done a number on her. She may die from the problems diabetes causes before the alchohol. My GF was a juvenile diabetic and took care of herself. She had a massive heart attack in her 50s. Lost a leg by her 60s and died from renal failure at 63.
I worked with the nicest man. He had a bad heart attack. His wife said she was on him all the time for smoking, not eating right, etc. After a while she told him she loved him but it was his life and if he wanted to kill himself go ahead because she was not saying anything anymore. It just stressed her out and he did not care.
I get that 100%. My friend was there for me, too. The thing is, I accepted her help. Even though I didn't want to do what she said, I did because I appreciated she'd travelled all that way to help me. I wasn't going to throw it back in her face.
I bet you appreciated your friend's support, too. I hope that one day she'll also see that you have her best interests at heart. Until then, there's not much you can do.
Btw, it could be a blessing that your friend still works. It's possible that her mental health would take a nose-dive without the structure and identity of her job.
You're a good friend: take some comfort in what you do, even if you can't do as much as you would like.
It's now the 2 week Easter break, so I will go and stay in a B&B near my friend for a few days, and do what I can to persuade her to do what's necessary to get her strong enough for the final rounds of chemo, which are long overdue.
But, just like your friend, mine also needs to take some responsibility for her own wellbeing. Just as we both need to look after ourselves.
Take care.
It's so frustrating to see what needs to be done to create better outcomes for a very dear friend, but not be able to persuade them to do it, nor have the power to sort it out yourself. It's like hitting your head against a brick wall.
So, my advice is to be a friend, be on the end of a phone, and be willing to be an intermediary for outside agencies to help your friend, if that ever becomes a possibility. But, don't make yourself ill over your friend's choices.
I know that your friend didn't make these choices from a good place - nobody really wants to live in filth and chaos - but she has rejected all offers of assistance to improve her circumstances. You can't change that.
The person who you really need to help and look after is you. You are going through a bad time right now, seeing your friend in this state and not being able to help. You are experiencing emotional and mental stress because of this. You need to protect yourself and take care of your own wellbeing.
We can't change other people, only ourselves. To be there for your friend, or to deal with any bad outcomes of your friend's choices, you need to change your perspective and come to the realisation that this is not your fault and it's not your responsibility to fix this problem.
So, you do what is possible - report your friend's situation to any authorities who do have the power to help, take her for tests when you can, and be available for chats (over the phone because you don't need to subject yourself to your friend's unsanitary home) - but don't enable her bad decision making and don't take on any more responsibility.
This is your friend's life and she is allowed to screw it up, however much that hurts you.
I'm sorry.
All you can do is love her right where she is at.
She will either decide she wants something different or that she is content with the status quo.
Great big warm hug! It is so hard to see those we love make choices that are detrimental to their well-being.
Please now contact APS. Your friend cannot act for herself; you cannot act for or even help her. This is beyond your help now and needs to be in the hands of the state.
I am so very sorry.
I like the idea of having some photos to refer to in case/when there is a crisis (maybe you could discreetly snap a few when you pick her up and take her home from her colonoscopy?) and you find yourself again in the situation of being charged with “helping” her return home. You could let the hospital at that time know what kind of home she is returning to in case that makes any difference.
Not sure what else a concerned friend can do, unfortunately. 🙁
Her front yard is not in great shape, but not bad enough for neighbors to report. She has been cited in the past though. I don't know if the back yard could be reported. It's a disaster. But she can just call and get someone to clean it up and continue, so that idea won't work.
Thanks again. I just want to cry.
She needs to see her problems and want her own recovery, and want to work for it. She's not even close to this.
Your friend sounds like a high-functioning alcoholic. You can call APS but unless she appears cognitively impaired or a danger to others they probably won't do anything, either. If her yard is disgusting, someone can report it to the city and she can possibly be cited and given a deadline to clean up, which may start some action... maybe.
More worrisome is her knee. Diabetes affects one's ability to heal properly. If she is neglecting her diabetes, if it turns septic, it can create cognitive problems as well as damage her circulation to her limbs, vital organs, and become life-threatening very quickly. If the daughter sees any change in her demeanor she should call 911 and they will take her to the ER. The daughter should then go into the house and take a lot of pictures of the conditions in it. At the ER the daughter tells the discharge planner that her Mother is an "unsafe discharge" and show pictures of the house. She must make it clear that she is NOT willing to be her Mother's care manager since she has rejected this help over and over. Then daughter asks to talk to the hospital social worker about having her Mother discharged to a facility for further recovery and possibly therapy/rehab. No one should go in and clean her house as this is dangerous and also will only enrage the Mother. The Mother needs to want her home cleaned up.
If the Mother has been a long-time alcoholic she may have Wernicke-Korsakoff dementia, which results when alcohol prevents vitamins from being absorbed. It is treatable early on with supplements but the person must not resume drinking. Sometimes it is too late to treat it.
You and the daughter need to maintain your clear boundaries consistenly and vigorously. If she asks you to do anything for her you must first stop and consider if your "help" is actually enabling. Your friend cannot be truly helped unless she wants it or becomes a ward of a court-assigned legal guardian -- which may be the best thing for her. In my personal experience with a court-assigned guardian for my SFIL, it was a good experience and I'm glad it was an option for a solution.
May you receive peace in your hearts as things unfold.
I'd stay away from her daughter and call APS myself, if I were you. No need to get further involved in a family wrangle. Ask APS if they can keep the call anonymous.
I'm very sorry for what's happened to your friend. My own personal policy is not to get involved with alcoholics or addicts anymore. I have many times in my life, I've tried to help, but I've concluded it's pointless. They have to want help, and they almost never do. You might consider doing - nothing.