Need advice and/or guidance on elderly parents.
Where do I begin?My parents are in their mid 70’s and early 80’s.They are extreme hoarders, one of them is a shopaholic.They also both have mental disorders.They aren’t bathing regularly, and wear dirty clothes.They have tons of packages that they haven’t even opened.Lots of empty boxes stacked up to ceiling.Fire Hazards everywhere.They are living in a home that is not safe.It’s full to the ceilings with stuff, and now the home has mold.One room has the floor rotting, they duck taped it.They duck tape anything that breaks.One of my parents has fallen twice and broken bones.They lied to Dr about how it happened.They now have bedbugs again.The first time the VA called me to say my parent was infested, and had spread them to the rooms at the VA.Nothing was done by the VA about this.Now they have bedbugs again.They didn’t tell me, even though I was in their car and hugging them.My sibling was the one who told me they had them again.My parents lied to me, saying Terminex came and sprayed.They didn’t.My parents bought foggers from Walmart, instead.We all know those are not effective for bedbugs.They only have one semi-working bathroom.They are taking baths, since their other shower doesn’t work.It’s so dangerous, this tub is not safe either.One of my parents is a veteran.I contacted APS and the VA 3 years ago.The VA came out and installed an outside ramp, and a grab bar near the broken shower.That’s it!My parents were livid that I interfered.Things have continued to get worse.My sibling wants one of my parents“to be put away”.No idea what the plans are for my other parent.They cannot live with me, or my sibling.I’m chronically ill, and no longer go to their home.My sibling has stopped going too.I love my parents and want them safe and happy.Neither one will talk to a therapist or counselor.They are obstinate regarding this.Has anyone else been in this situation?What do I do?I’m hoping someone can help.Thanks.
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That's why the court systems will almost NEVER take the rights of a parent who suffers from mental illness. It is in fact MUCH easier to place a parent with Dementia, to take away rights, to give over guardianship to children or the state. But for parents with a mental illness (and the DSM-5 now recognizes Hoarding as just that, they will not be managed by State, Courts or children. That's the sad truth.
First thing I will do is recommend the memoir of Liz Scheier, which is titled Never Simple.
Ms. Scheier tried to manage and help manage and assist the entire auspices of the City and State of New York to protect her mentally ill mother. FOR DECADES. Get a copy for Sister. Because it never worked and it destroyed lives to no avail.
I will be honest with you here.
There is very little that you CAN do.
You can call the country of course, especially over the mold, and they may indeed condemn the property. What THEN for your parents? Under a bridge?
You can continue to call APS. They may even if everyone they find is down ill, assign a temporary guardianship. Which no court will let you out of, which you cannot conceivably manage or control, and which will never let you off the Guardianship hook. You cannot simply resign guardianship as you can a POA. Oh, no. You must be let off by a JUDGE. And that won't happen.
I am certain, as children of Hoarders, you have witnessed the several programs on TV. They have it right. You can enlist a whole cortege of helpers. And it will be to no avail. And NO ONE will ever thank you for it. And you may well end up somewhat squirrely in the long run yourselves.
I am sorry to be brutal. Step back. You cannot clean it up and you cannot clean it out, and any attempts to do so will be met with fury. They have lived it and they intend to die in it, and who is to say it were better they live another year in some hated care facility, furious at one and all, perhaps a few months longer, but certainly less satisfied.
We all die. They may die in this way.
I myself would call APS, have them run a recheck, tell them I will NOT be responsible and cannot manage them and that I believe they are at risk and may die; that I am requesting State Guardianship.
If that works I will be greatly relieved and greatly surprised.
Being brutally honest? Not everything can be fixed. I can imagine all the ways you have tried to do so. And so you already KNOW all I have said.
I am so dreadfully sorry. Which helps nothing. I wish you the best of luck. But I don't believe this has any answer. So often our human choices and decisions do not.
Keep calling APS. Report their house to the city and maybe they'll be cited and maybe it will be condemned. At some point, if they don't leave on a journey, then APS will remove them if they are deemed a danger to themselves or others. They might remove one or both. Then they will have a court-assigned 3rd party legal guardian who will then manage all their affairs and make all decisions.
Fawby is correct that eventually "something" profound will happen to change their circumstances permanently.
Good for you for creating boundaries. I have no doubt you love your parents but there is nothing you can do because they are not interested in helping themselves. They don't see the problem. They think you are the problem. Remember that they are willing to tell stone cold lies to your face and don't care if they give you bedbugs.
May you stay strong and receive peace in your heart as appropriate care for them sorts itself out.
I'm very sorry, but you need to get the ball rolling with APS ASAP. The alternative is to let them go on as they are. Then you'll eventually get The Phone Call telling you that some danger has befallen them and one or both is either (1) in the hospital or (2) dead. Please don't let that happen! The anxiety you feel now would likely become despair, and that wouldn't be good for you.
You've tried. Now turn it over to people who deal with this sort of thing every day. Good luck.