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A so-called friend — I call him the evil friend — has inserted himself as the "savior" or knight-in-shining-armor for my husband, because he believes my husband should be in assisted living or independent living rather than memory care and wants to save him from me, the evil wife. He's threatened to easily revoke my husband's POA to remove me as his agent. All that's needed is for my husband to sign either a new POA or a letter revoking the current one.


I'm beyond stressed and angry. Why would any sane person do this? Is his life so boring that he needs to butt into ours? I have taken some precautionary actions and have consulted with my attorney. Still, it's added stress I don't need.

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What is it with these people with hero complexes.?!? I am in a similar circumstances just posted on here today about it. Is the POA activated with the doctors letter stating diagnosis and incapacity to make independent financial and medical decisions? If active then NO your husband in a incapacitated state cannot revoke it. Stand your ground and ban this friend from visiting him at the facility. Consult an elder law attorney.

MY daughter no relation to my husband has filed a Medical Review request of the doctor diagnosis with the state AND filed a complaint with Adult Protective Services (APS). I have been assured but the facility & an attorney that truth will prevail but MY daughter has turned him against me. She told him I was gaslighting him joining in his delusions that there is nothing wrong- With a PET Scan showing damage, cognitive testing showing deficiencies and ALL THE SYMPTOMS...
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Reply to CINDERCYN
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SOS369 Mar 3, 2025
Seriously, who in memory care doesn't want to be back home? A few residents actually cussed and cursed the person who placed them. One lady was so angry that she screamed at the top of her lungs at her son whenever he visited. Still, he made regular visits not paying attention to the insults. Her screams reverberated throughout the facility and agitated other residents. At least, thankfully, it didn't affect my husband. My husband said there were many nights when she'd be screaming in the middle of the night, waking up folks. So sad. If we had a choice, we wouldn't have placed our LOs in the first place. MCF is not cheap in CA.
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What I was told (in MS) by the facility both my parents were in at the time is that once a person had been diagnosed with dementia by a doctor, it would require testimony of 2 doctors that the person is competent to handle their own affairs and a decision by a judge to get a POA revoked or changed to another person. I said she (my mom) already has 3 doctors saying she has dementia. The facility mgr I was talking to said "well there you go. no lawyer is going to take a case like that." But the advice about telling the facility to not even let these people in is very good advice. We've had to do that as well.
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Reply to willmckee
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He can't do it. If your husband is not mentally competent, then your POA is in effect. The friend would need to take you to court and prove that you are not acting in your hubby's best interests. I would suggest contacting a lawyer about a restraining order against this "friend".
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Reply to Taarna
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All good advice in the previous posts just want to add: don’t underestimate the power of a POA document if the “friend “ somehow is able to get one. My idiotic brother in law has my wife’s POA from years ago and is trying hard to earn the title of “ biggest jerk of the year “. Move aggressively on this as suggested, a POA holder can withhold the money that you need to care for your husband along with other mischief. Good luck to you on your journey
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Reply to Rktechone
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SOS369 Mar 3, 2025
Thanks! Indeed I will need to tread watchfully and carefully. As much as I hated to, I had to tell my husband the potential devious acts this friend may execute. My husband was shocked and hurt, and his night sweats returned having had none since placement. Thankfully he's still lucid enough to understand. Basically, to not sign any documents without my presence. And the MCF has been notified to not allow anyone to take my husband outside the facility.
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SOS369,
I'm so sorry you are going through this.

It sounds like your husband's friend is sad and lost, because he is losing an important friend. I'm sure he's not evil. He just wants things to go back to the way they were.

As others have suggested here, you can ask the memory care facility to deny this person access. Although, that will likely have an even greater emotional impact on this friend, and cause him to "lose it" even further.

Does this memory care facility have scheduled meetings with the care team and the family? Perhaps if this friend talked with a doctor or nurse, they might understand what is really happening with your husband.
I don't know if it would help to be compassionate and help this friend understand and accept the circumstances.

He can threaten all he wants, but he can not "easily revoke" your POA.

If your husband is of sound mind, he can assign anyone he wants to be his medical proxy, or POA. And it might not be you.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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SOS369 Mar 3, 2025
Thanks, CaringWifeAZ! You're probably on the right track regarding the friend's motive. However, it doesn't excuse his action(s). No matter what another close friend has tried to impart, reasons/facts have gone into deaf ears. His arrogance has taken him to the deep end. He may not understand nor agree with my decision, but to will his way into our lives is not something a friend would do. My decision remains mine. Too many incidents that were both horrifying and private--leading to the difficult decision for placement--that this friend was not privy to is remaining under HIPPA wraps. And why should I tell him, or anyone for that matter? What right does he have to know? I refuse to compromise my husband's dignity by sharing these incidents just to make this friend and others "understand." He even suggested that I divorce my husband to "set him free." If this isn't evil speaking...??

Being compassionate to this friend may happen in the future for me. I don't have the bandwidth at the moment. It's causing me stress that shouldn't have happened.
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Thank you, All, for your support and insights. I hope by sharing this, it may help someone else who is in similar situation.

Quick update on what I've done:
1. Spoke to and received advice from my attorney, who suggested I jot down dates and times that I have researched or sought advice from experts regarding moving my husband from memory care to assisted/independent living, that I have done my homework and not making arbitrary decisions, in case this goes to court. She thinks the likelihood is slim, but with this deranged person, you just never can disregard the worst case scenarios.

2. Realizing that the buck stops at my husband, and as much as I hated telling him I felt it was too serious not to, I talked to him about what this "friend" was trying to do. My husband was shocked and hurt, deeply troubled by the potential devious acts such that his night sweats returned after having no episodes since placement. (I am so pissed at having agitated him.) So in order to guard against any complaints by this friend to Ombudsman, my husband recorded his wish to not see his friend for awhile so that the facility has proof and heard it straight from my husband--facility will not allow friend to enter. Hopefully my husband is also aware enough to not be bullied or lured into signing any docs in case the friend slips through the front door. Official docs of this nature must be notarized. Any reputable notary would not physically enter a memory care facility without due cause. And if friend should take my husband out, I can report a kidnapping.

Hoping the friend is just blowing smoke to scare me into submission. Still, this is enough to cause me needless stress and will cost me funds that I wouldn't have needed to spend otherwise.
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Reply to SOS369
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I need a Lawyer to make a "Living Trust" for my significant other, who has dementia, and need the lawyer to come to the home. How can i get that done, he needs a "Living Trust" soon.
thank-you
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Reply to harp069
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SOS369 Feb 22, 2025
Perhaps you should start a new discussion? You may get more replies.
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I can only imagine how stressful this is. I’ve always struggled whenever it felt like someone was trying to take advantage of a vulnerable family member. And like others have said here, conflicts and threats like this are too common—and it often feels like we don’t have the tools to protect our loved ones.

You’ve taken a great first step in getting a lawyer, as they should be your main source of advice and help legally. Don’t be afraid to ask questions or contact them if there’s another development with this “friend”.

If I were you, I would also try to get more information.

If your husband is already in care, then as others have said, you probably want to talk to the facility about the situation. I would ask the care facility how often (if at all) this “friend” has visited your husband, whether the visits were monitored, and (if there were visits) what your husband’s emotional state was afterward. Was your husband distressed or happy when this person visited? How did the staff perceive this “friend”—did he seem polite or rude toward them?

I would also ask the facility about their policies on handling situations like this and what they can do moving forward. If their approach doesn’t seem to align with your concerns, then that may be something to discuss further with your attorney.

If your husband recently changed facilities, then I would also ask the previous facility about the friend’s visits.

A possible next step would be to find out what your husband thinks of this person. Memory issues make this potentially difficult, of course, but the more information you have, the better. What was your husband’s history and previous friendship with this person? Has he always been “a bit pushy” toward your husband, or was he a more supportive friend?

Questions like these might help answer the “why?” of the situation. It’s possible that your husband’s “friend” wants him out of memory care because he can’t accept your husband’s diagnosis. Sometimes, people react to change by trying to regain control, even if it’s not in the vulnerable person’s best interest. It could be that he blames you for your husband being a different person—someone who doesn’t call as often, who isn’t as lively, etc. While this doesn’t excuse his behavior, it might help explain it.

I’ve seen situations in my own family where strong-willed friends struggle to not have control over caregiving arrangements, even when their intentions aren’t harmful. While your situation is different due to the potential legal issues, something similar may be happening. 

With your attorney and the facility as your allies, I hope that the situation calms down soon—and maybe that “friend” accepts what’s happening and chooses to make the best of it and to support your husband in his time of greatest need. Time is running out for this “friend” to fix things with you and honor his friendship with your husband.
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SOS369 Feb 22, 2025
Avery, thank you for your insightful thoughts. I think your assessment is pretty close to a probable explanation for this evil friend's motives. He was not in agreement with my decision to place my husband in the first place and felt that I should have hired in-home care. He seemingly has "lost a buddy" and I'm in the way of moving him to an assisted living or independent living environment where my husband is freer to move about. But this so called friend's narrow-mindedness isn't able to see the whole picture of ramifications nor is he listening to reasons. As one friend commented, "he's gone to the deep end" and now is in an ego power play of sorts to win, to get his way.
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SOS369: As your husband is in memory care, his mind doesn't have the capacity to change POA.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Your husband is in memory care. No one gets in there without permission. Make it very clear to the management and staff there that friend is not allowed in.

This friend is a menace and is threatening you. I'd let the police know that this is going on. Friend has little or no chance to revoke POA, even with husband's help (because husband is incompetent to handle his affairs), but I'd be concerned about friend's mental health. I would take precautions so he can't do harm to you or your property.

Another thing, does this friend plan to pay for your husband's care at wherever he wants your husband to end up? What a wackadoodle he is!
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Reply to Fawnby
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Always consult with an attorney.
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Reply to TouchMatters
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Contact a lawyer. If this evil friend still bothers you, place a restraining order on him
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Reply to Patathome01
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If your husband is no longer competent he can not change POA. No lawyer will draw up new papers making someone else POA.
What I would do in your case is this "knight in shining armor" should be restricted from visiting unless there is someone there with him. And not another "friend".
Or you can simply prohibit visiting by this person.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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The POA Can Not be revoked because your Husband can Not Make this decision due to his Illness . This guy sounds Like he Has Ulterior Motives . You need a restraining order against this guy he sounds dangerous .
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Reply to KNance72
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Yes it could be that easy depending on your husband's actual state of health. Get your attorney involved!
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Reply to PandaKing
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First of all, the wife is the next of kin.
That gives you ENORMOUS power under the law.
If your husband has dementia, then this man could be banned from ever seeing him again through your getting a court order.
If your husband doesn't have dementia then WHY hasn't he told this A$$ to go to Hades?

If your husband doesn't have dementia, and does sign such a thing, it will be easy for you to go to court and get a separation of finances so that you can protect your assets. And if hubby does this knowingly it is time to consider divorce from him. Let him know the day this guy is his POA is the day you divorce him.

Important here is that you are being THREATENED by this man.
He needs to be stopped from coming near you or speaking to you, and if hubby is demented then he needs to be stopped from seeing him and attempting to fraudulently get documents.
I would call APS and ask how to best stop him from harassing you and your husband.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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What this friend says is true. Your husband could assign friend POA and at that time the new one revokes the old. But...your husband suffers from Dementia. I would think to be able to place him into memory care, your POA was invoked. A doctor or more, has stated that your husband has been declared incompetent to make informed decisions for MC to except him. This means your husband cannot assign a new POA.

What I would do as POA is ban this friend from being able to see your husband. Tell the MC that he is inserting himself into your marriage and threatening you. I may go as far as trying to get a restraining order against him. If your husband has a phone, block the friend. Take the friend's number out of the phone. No calls coming or going out at the desk.

You also block this friend. If he harasses you in any way, go for a restraining order. This problem has come up before on this forum. Friends and family trying to override a spouse's decisions. You are in charge.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Do you already have medical statements from one or more doctors that your husband is not competent, which would have activated your POA? The memory care facility would have needed some kind of medical evaluation; it can't just accept someone as a resident because the spouse says so.

Check your state law regarding a new POA and revocation of an existing one. It may need to be prepared by an attorney; if not (like something downloaded from the internet), it would at least need to be notarized. The friend would have to take your husband to the notary, or have a mobile notary come to the facility.

You can ask the MC facility to not allow the "friend" to visit your husband without you present, not to allow an outside party such as a notary to visit without you present, and not to allow your husband to leave the facility with anyone without your permission.

The attorney who prepared the original POA and ask him or her to send a cease-and-desist letter to the friend. It's smart that you already consulted about this.

I'm really sorry about this. This does happen sometime although usually from family members. Dealing with all that led up to placing your husband and adjusting to the new reality were undoubtedly traumatic and this adds insult to injury.
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Reply to MG8522
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If your PoA authority is activated by a formal diagnosis of sufficient capacity, then make sure you take him in for a cognitive/memory exam then get the results on the clinic letterhead and signed/dated by his doctor. This should prevent anything from happening.

It's not that easy. The friend would have to first create the revokation paperwork for your husband to sign. Then he'd need to get your husband to assign a new PoA with new paperwork, which would still need to be signed in front of a notary with 2 non-family witnesses in order to legally finalize it.

Is your husband telling confabulations about you to this friend? How is this friend even able to be in contact with him? I'd cut him off. Make sure he can't call him (block his number) or visit (make sure the front desk prevents him from entering or calls you when he shows up. Maybe a restraining order. If this friend is married, maybe appeal to his wife, hint that legal action may be the next step if she can't convince him to back off.

Maybe the friend has dementia... it's possible.
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