My 89 y/o Mom asked to come live with us in June. She has been fiercely independent since widowed at 49. She made the decision to move in with us because she was tired of dealing with a house and was also ready to be around more people.
Right away she caught Influenza A and had seriously low blood O2. ER & ICU docs didn't think she would make it and had me have the talk with her. She did pull thru but was put on full-time oxygen(COPD). It was a slow process to get her back mentally and physically to about half of where she was pre-illness.
I had to make all her decisions from bathing and personal care to banking to what food she ate. She is now able to take her meds, fix coffee and walk unassisted in the house. She advocated her needs with a new doctor recently and we play a pretty simple card game where she uses some strategy. She watches football and seems to follow the game for the most part.
She does NOT shower alone- is worried she will fall so I do it for her with shower chair. I've been making her hold the hand nozzle and rinse herself. She won't pick her own clothes out "since I make such good choices." She won't fix her own simple breakfast/lunch and will just not eat if I don't do it. She won't turn down her bed even tho it's just a simple pull back of coverlet and moving 2 pillows. Whatever the topic, she pulls it back to make it about her.
Lately she seems to get very worried about the weirdest things..."what will she do if her toilet handle breaks when I'm not home." It one time got loose and wouldn't flush — I immediately tightened the nut and it was fixed. There is another toilet on the same level and I'm not gone for more than a couple hours. She has a space heater with a very simple on/off button but thinks it's broken because it doesn't always turn on when SHE pushes the button (it's new and works just fine but as of today is certain if I don't turn it on then it doesn't work right). She has been using it without issue for over a month but now can't do it alone.
Lately, I have been going to lunch with friends, playing cards a couple times a week and making plans to do other "newly retired lady" things. Is she trying to manipulate me so that I give her all my attention and don't pursue my own interests? Is this a symptom of some aging issue? I don't think she is consciously aware she is doing this...but I feel like I'm going crazy.
As an 82 y/o myself, I can assure you that there's a lifetime between 50 and 90.
Your mom's actually doing OK for someone who survived the influenza that would definitely have taken most at that age OUT, even without underlying COPD.
And we are talking, with COPD a chronic ongoing deprivation of oxygen to the brain in an elder. Not a good thing. Can lead to some addled behavior, especially if tired.
To be blunt your mom is at the end of her life. This doesn't sound like dementia so much as it does an aging brain in a person with underlying COPD (by the way there are few surviving to 90) who is becoming more and more dependent.
Hopefully NOW all paperwork is in? POA? Advance directives? Wills? If not, that is ASAP with attorney visiting her in your home.
Which, by the by, is HER home as well, and I hope there has been a contract of care done with her for shared living costs, as you are going to need to hire in some care soon to give you respite if you intend to do in home care.
Consider asking now for Gerontologist as her MD, or Palliative Care specialist.
Do not push food. Do not monitor wishes regarding sleep which will become more wished for. Do not encourage socialization she doesn't wish. Stay in close contact with medical. Keep a diary. Watch Teepa Snow videos so you don't fall down the rabbit hole of "But MOM, we DISCUSSED how to turn on the heater!!!"
If you wish to speak with mom after family discussion about how long you may or may not wish to do 24/7 care, now is the time. Because you are very close into your mother needing monitoring and help with absolutely everything.
The trajectory is downward now. That won't change. Ageing with chronic illness is now the enemy at the gate. And that's the enemy that always wins in the end.
I am really sorry, but will leave you again with the fact that between age 50 and age 90 there is an entire world of change.
We do and have had all the paperwork in order for well over 15 years. During her scary hospital stay I contacted her lawyer for a review and all is still in order.
The Teepa Snow videos were great and thanks for that too!
Decide what the next move should be now. Assisted Living if she can afford it, or you continuing to be her caregiver? Not everyone is cut out to BE a caregiver and that's ok. Figure out where you lie on the caregiving spectrum and then have an honest talk with mom. I did that early on with my parents. I told them we'd not be cohabitating in their old age, that AL would be the way to go. And it was. They enjoyed the social aspect and the activities of AL while maintaining autonomy in their own lovely apartment. Don't let anyone tell you you're a Bad Guy if you don't want to be a caregiver, don't take on unnecessary guilt. Just be honest with yourself and mom.
Good luck to you.
It’s time to start researching other options for her to live, and have all her wants dealt with. Respite care for a couple of weeks might help you to look afresh at how this is working out, and for M to make it clearer about what is going on with her. Perhaps you tell her that you had organised a trip for your retirement?
In all honesty, this made me think of the song..."we all need somebody to lean on".
When my mother first took sick I remember thinking I am not going to second-guess her especially since she too was a rather young widow 56. She drove in Boston, attended all the grandchildren's games, was on every Church Committee, walked two miles a day.
Now in her upper 80's, I have been doing all of the above mentioned for a while now but keep in mind, they are wearing out. They get tired. I want to wait on my mother. It's not going to go back to what it used to be and will only deteriorate as times goes on.
My mother worries that we are running out of marmalade. Their executive functioning skills decline which makes them worry. You can see by their handwriting and also oftentimes their peripheral vision is gone so they can't gage the correction distance of things.
When my mother worries I just sit and hold her hand. My mother raised a large family and she would always remark, "if the mother is calm, the children will be calm, especially in a crisis". I now find myself saying the same thing, if I remain calm, mother will remain calm! Amen...
For her to fret is new and I wanted to make sure it wasn't manipulation or if others experience this too. She does seem to sabotage my time away and everything is about her ..but knowing this isn't uncommon and can be part of a normal decline is a relief. I work hard to be kind (sometimes I fail) but I am determined to continue. I'm going to use your mantra and know when she gets I can just be with her and be calm!
What your mother is doing now with the having you get her clothes, pull down her bed, panicking about the toilet or the heater when she knows you're going out, etc... is called Learned Helplessness. Wanting someone to help her shower is different. That's a safety concern. Inventing imaginary nonesense and panicking over "what if" scenarios like the toilet handle or the heater are learned helplessness. She's also trying to sabotage any social life you have that doesn't involve her.
Don't allow this behavior. Nip it in the bud now before it gets out of control and she starts with "staging" falls and fabricating health crises that have to result in you missing out on your card game or whatever because you're sitting in the ER with her over nothing. You cannot be her whole social life and she can't be in every part of yours either.
You stop catering to her today. If she can do for herself, she has to She can fix a bowl of cereal for breakfast or a sandwich for lunch or go hungry. When she's hungry enough, she'll go and eat. Don't you do it.
On the days you go out and do your thing, drop her off at the senior center if your town has one. Or hire a part-time companion for her that she pays for.
You lay down the law today or it's going to get worse. I did senior homecare for 25 years so I know how it gets if you play this game with her.
I had a care client years ago who lived with her son and DIL. The home was a ranch and all one floor. The MIL had a bedside commode in her room that was supposed to be temporary. She had her own bathroom off the bedroom. She would only use that commode. Even if the bathroom was closer. Her mobility was good. She enjoyed stinking up the house because she knew her DIL would have to clean it up. I never did because she wouldn't use that commode during my shift. One day I threw it out because her DIL was afraid to. Everyone had a talk with the mother about her behavior. I let her know if she became a helpless invalid, she'd have to to a nursing home. Her family agreed and they stopped humoring the learned helplessness. It was like she got a new lease on life. Respectful, pleasant, and even nice.
What would feel like a solution to you? You can have her pay for in-home companion aid to take the burden of attention off yourself (but if you are in the same home this may not work well). Or, you transition her into an AL where she'll get lots more social exposure -- but no one will be doing things for her. She may need a higher level of care if she won't or can't do things for herself.
My MIL went into AL when her short-term memory made it unsafe for her to live alone. It didn't take long before she *seemed* to decide to not even try to get out of bed. She did have chronic back pain from a prior broken back and surgery, but she never participated much in her own therapy (and this could have been due to her cognitive decline). Eventually she stopped getting out of bed and she became bedridden as she lost her muscle tone, and had to move to LTC even though her mind wasn't that bad. It took about 2 years for her to agree to participate in even community dinner time. All this to say that IF she moves into a facility, you will still need to have tempered expectations for what she does there. If she has COPD she may be a candidate for LTC, which would be covered by Medicaid if she also qualifies financially.
You need to stop figuring her out and start figuring your desired solution out. It will be difficult for a while but then you will regain your life and sanity. I wish you all the best in this journey.
You let her move in. You likely moved in some boxes. Pack them up and move them somewhere nice that has ft help.
"the flu can significantly affect you if you have COPD, as people with COPD are considered at high risk for serious complications from influenza due to their already compromised lung function, making even a mild flu case potentially dangerous and leading to worsened breathing difficulties and exacerbations of their COPD symptoms; therefore, it's crucial for individuals with COPD to get vaccinated against the flu every year."
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