Having dad move in the last 8 years has turned me into a mean and bitter person. I don't want to be this way but it has come to this. Not sure if I should get therapy or not (had it when I was a kid and marriage counseling and didn't like it at all).
I gave up my beautiful home office from where I run my business to the cold basement. I make breakfast in the morning and dinner every night. I do the shopping, run the errands, dr runs, hospital runs., manage the medication and pay the bills. He pays a few of his regular bills but gives nothing to us for heat, light, cable, food, gas transportation, etc. We have no privacy. I feel guilty to go out to dinner and dates are a few hours out on the weekend. My wife and I get time only when he goes to church (after I drive him there). He goes out during the day when I am not home (he can't be alone) so he calls his lady friend and they go out as soon as I leave the house. If I am home he doesn't go out. His lodge times are usually the same time I am scheduled to be at my social functions.
When we have the house for a couple of hours it's like heaven. When I am out, as soon as the garage doors go up it wakes him up and he has to come right out to see what we are doing.
It's gotten to that I don't talk around him, as anything I say gets repeated to everyone. Dinner is in silence because anything I say gets topped or a story ensues. He can't have a back and forth conversation because it always ends in a story with a grandiose person or event.
We can't have him cook as the kitchen ends up a disaster and the last time he cooked the chicken was raw.
I can't leave him overnight as he is a fall risk, every time I have he ends up getting hurt. He can't drive anymore so he leans on friends or me.
Anytime he talks to me I am short, I don't want to be that way.
We don't entertain anymore because he comes right into the middle of the party and literally sits down and takes over the conversations. The last time within 5 minutes he had a huge pain attack that he hadn't had in months and hasn't had one since. It was quite the scene in which I became the caregiver and had to deal with it in front of my friends, amazingly enough not bad enough for him to sit in at dinner.
I have cameras around the outside of the house for security that I see from my desk and he feels it's great to look over my shoulder to see his friend come to pick him up rather than waiting outside, all while I am trying to work (Extreme pet peeve of mine).
The messes in the bathroom, the stink from his room the mess left behind.....
Sometimes it is the words or the delivery in what he says. I'm sorry, I guess I am just being petty, but in the last 10 years we have become caregivers for too many and we have not had time for ourselves if we do, it is so hard to get done as siblings are not involved and we live so far away.
We are trying to get a vacation this year but it will be a juggling act if we can get it done.
I'm now in my 60s, my 50s were supposed to be filled with travel. Now looking like won't be until my 70s if I make it that far. All I do is work now and don't have fun, if I get out on my bike or my fun car it's just for errands. If I travel it's for work. My sibling gets to vacation and travel.
I'm tired and burnt out and bitter.
NH is not an option there is no money. My kids may help but it's like trying to pull teeth but yet I can make dollars fly right out of my wallet.
Too much? Am I just being petty? I know I have to cherish these years and what I have but in the meantime, it is so hard when it is right in my face.
Thanks for listening my rant is done...
You seem to think that you are financially responsible for dad's care.
You are not.
Dad needs to apply for Medicaid (your household income is not what counts--HIS income is what counts).
Dad should have a "Needs Assessment" by the local Area Agency on Aging and ask them how to get dad qualified for assistance.
You are going to need to sit down with dad and say "this isn't working out anymore. You will need to be in other living quarters by Jan 1".
Can you do that?
If I recall, your wife has already had one stroke. Please don't put this off any longer
(((((Hugs))))))
And what that is telling you is that it is now time for a change. Your father needs to be placed in an assisted living facility, where he will be around other folks his own age, and you and your wife can get your lives back, and start enjoying whatever time you both have left, before it's too late. Life is short and you don't want to get to the end of it with any regrets of what you wished you would have, could have or should have done.
Your father will have to apply for Medicaid to pay for his care, as you and your wife are not responsible in any way to pay for it. You will need your own money for your own care when the time comes, so get that thought of having to pay for his care out of your head now.
You and your wife are at the point now where you not only have to do what is best for your father, but also what is best for you both, and I think you already know what exactly that means. So get the ball rolling today for him to apply for Medicaid, and start looking for the appropriate facility for him. You will be so glad you did, and can get back to just being his son and advocate, instead of his caregiver.
I wish you all the very best.
To this day I have a strained relationship with my mother whose almost 95 and living in Memory Care Assisted Living since I vowed NEVER to move her in with me, based on the hideous experience I lived through in my youth.
If you're not careful, your father will outlive you and your wife while you break your backs caring for him. Stress, resentment and bitterness is killer and it ruins your life. Trust me, I know.
You're certainly not being petty. What's going on is likely to embitter even the sweetest-tempered and most relaxed soul. But TG if I do have one home truth to suggest it's that you don't *listen.*
How much have these years cost you? Cherish my foot! - you will never get the time back and your father does not have exclusive rights to it. If Dad can't pay for residential care he is entitled to financial support with it. FIND OUT.
You and your wife have been perpetual caregivers and it's time you both retire from that. First, get your Dad's financials in order with a good elder care attorney, who can set him up for Medicaid in-home or NH care if needed in the future. Next, it's time your siblings get involved, even if it's just for one week or a long weekend or two each year. Have a chat with them and let it be known you and your wife need a break. Make your vacation plans. Drive Dad to the airport and have sibling pick him up. Period. This is not impossible unless your fear of loss of control make it so.
Your father seems "with it" enough to have a serious conversation that he can understand. Make it clear that you and wife need some alone time now. Have his girlfriend come over and go out and have fun with your wife, while she stays with him. You can also hire someone to be there with him for errands, doctors appointments, church.
What I am saying is that there are things you can do to make life better. Believe me, I realize how frustrating and life sucking care taking is - but don't do more than you need to because the more you take on, the faster that becomes the norm. Take steps to reclaim your life or it will pass you by. You owe it to yourself, your wife and your family.
Just think hard about what I am saying before you resist or say it can't be done. You are not a bad son because you resent the time your Dad takes away from you. but you have done too much more than your share. As your Dad ages, he will require more attention and much more care so set yourself up with supports NOW. I really and truly wish you comfort and resolution.
Don’t you think it is a little abusive to tell the poster that he is a “fool” for the caretaking he has done and that you would consider “killing” the person receiving the care?
Yes. The poster needs to make some sensible changes to stop the burnout spiral he is in but sheesh, he is not a “fool”!
TG always has approached the whole caregiving shebang from the position that he is a responsible and humane person and a decent member of society. We look after our own, we adapt and cope, we do the right thing, we are practical and sensible, we are considerate of others, we are reasonable in our expectations.
His father, alas, on the other hand, is not a responsible or reasonable person and doesn't give a fig about those values. He isn't evil, he's what people who don't have to deal with him would call spontaneous, happy-go-lucky, easy-come-easy-go, the life and soul of the party. It isn't that he exactly *expects* TG to pay for his choices, it's more that he assumes that something (i.e. his excellent son) will turn up and lo and behold it always has.
For *years* his father has overspent and done a wide range of other daft things, and TG has always picked up the pieces. Picked them up and refrained from complaining or criticising to the point of bursting a blood vessel.
Petty? Mean? Bitter? Of course not. Worn out and ready to explode, I should think.
Move your father out. If he's at the point where he cannot be left alone, then an independent senior community is not possible for him unless there will be a live-in caregiver/companion. He will have to go into an assisted living facility or a nursing home.
Your sibling will be doing absolutely nothing to help and never will. Welcome to the club. This how it is in most families even when there's multiple siblings. Only one becomes mom and dad's old age care plan while the others get off free and clear and never have to take a bit of the responsibility.
Please find a different living situation for your father. For the sake of you and your spouse, and for him as well.
Your life has value. The things you want to do and the places you want to visit are important. Don't spend anymore of your life stuck in the miserable drudgery of caregiving for elderly people because it will ruin your life. It's one thing to do it for work like I have and that's hard enough, but having your home turned into an assisted living or nursing home for years at a time is intolerable.
Take back your life and relocate your father into an appropriate care facility and if people don't like it or have something to say, they can take him to live with them. Good luck.
You moved him in because he was lonely after your mom died.
Start by contacting your local agency on aging and find out if he would qualify for any services.
If there is an Adult Day Care try getting him to go. If you have to make that a condition of him staying, or you will begin to look for Assisted Living for him or a Senior Apartment. Oh...if he does not move out the free ride should end. If there are 3 of you living in the house she should be paying 1/3 of ALL household expenses. Mortgage, utilities, food...and he should be paying you for transporting him to doctor appointments and any other transportation directly related to him.
If dad is a Veteran check with the local Veterans Assistance Commission and see if there are any services he would qualify for through the VA. Depending on where and when he served he might be eligible for a little help or a LOT.
Trust me on this...
Plan you vacations with your wife. Go on that trip you planned. You never know what might happen to her or you and you don't want to be sitting by a hospital bed holding her hand saying..."I wish we had done...."
Shouldacouldawoulda is a great name for a race horse it should not be what you say to each other when you have regrets.
I can't leave as the house is a disaster after a couple of days and that is when he falls. I took driving away from him.
He's not at the point he needs an NH it is just getting on my nerves. Mostly it is how things are said vs what is said or how it is delivered. he has this everyone will take care of me attitude. I think it was the way he was brought up, his mom died when he was young and the large extended family help to look after him. mom did a lot of everything for him (I take after my mom). Don't get me wrong we had a good upbringing financially wise, nice house, cars didn't want for much of anything. We weren't rich but it didn't matter. He did work hard I get that and he instilled that in me. But now it's the time I want to travel like he and mom did (although they couldn't afford it but did anyway another story). Again, just venting.....
The "mean & bitter" feelings - I'd call that *resentment*.
What do you think it is trying to tell you?