I've been a single mom for a long time. I have a teen going to college, and a fiance who recently moved in. Now dad moved in too. Advice?
I live in a small home. I'm a single mom who was married for many years to someone who was not interested in home life, and had anger issues. We divorced and when it was over I was finally at peace, as was my child.
Finally we were free of this terrible gloomy cloud and constant anger.
After a few years it was time for me to find someone new, and I did. I invited him to move in. He's sweet and kind and we love each other. And he is so caring and respectful of my child always considering her feelings.
My hope was that he and my child would get to know each other and grow close. But we needed some time to spend together, just the 3 of us. But a month after my fiance moved in -- dad also moved in.
Because he could no longer live with a family member and didn't want to be alone. This was the natural choice. And he asked if he could stay a few months, which we knew meant forever. He is very active. Very friendly. And while my ONLY requirement was to find something to do. Fast forward, it's been almost 9 months and he hasn't. At first he wanted to go with me EVERYWHERE, because that's what we did when he visited - but I can't do that all the time, I need space, and privacy. I feel like his resistance to live independently is detrimental to him, and all of us. I've told him it's unhealthy. Many, many times. He doesn't see it that way. He feels that this is normal to move in with a child, and there is nothing wrong here. I think it's just an old school mentality. I never want him to feel unwelcome, or unloved. But it is taking a toll on me, very much. I'm supposed to start a new chapter, I have a new man in my life - and there is no privacy. Not to mention I had to have about 100 talks with him to stop making rude comments about him. And the comments, seemed more about him being upset to not be in the spotlight more than anything.
I am not comfortable in my own home, and I work too darn hard for this to be the case. I am very strong, but this situation has me feeling so deflated and upset. I feel hopeless, and sad for all of us. And scared that each relationship in this house is taking a toll. I know I sound juvenile, but this situation is not healthy or fair to any of us, especially me. I already went through hell with my previous marriage and I just want to be able to start a new chapter. I don't know what to do. Honest talks don't help. Total freak outs just make me look crazy, which I am getting there. This man has NO interest in being his own person and having his own life. I see his and my relationship getting worse and worse. My fiance and I have no privacy so that's a terrible start to our life. My fiance and child's bonding process was disrupted.
We all love him, but I feel like this is a toxic situation. Please please please, any suggestions would be so appreciated. I am losing my mind. I am afraid that I'll be losing my relationships. I am losing my focus. I feel like I'm about to lose everything. I feel total burnout - and I am the breadwinner - that can't happen. Please any suggestions would be appreciated.
This doesn't mean that you don't love your dad, but because you do, you want what's best for him and for you, and living together just isn't cutting it.
So give him a months notice(and mean it), and if need be, start looking for either some senior apartments for him, or an independent living facility for him to move to. That way since he's so social, he can be around other people his own age, and make some new friends. I think given the chance he would really enjoy that type of environment. Be strong, and don't take no for an answer.
Tell him what you said here. Sorry Dad you need to find a place of your own because I don't feel comfortable in my own home. With daughter going off to college its time for me. I want to work on my relationship with my BF. Can't do that when my Dad is around.
And you now see that keeping dad with you in your home will only ruin your relationship forever. That's exactly what happened between my mother & her mother after she moved her in due to 'old world family obligations' and all that horse manure. They were like oil & water, the two of them, and fought like animals. They ruined what little relationship they once had, and they also ruined MY childhood by fighting all the time. IDK about your daughter, but she's entitled to a good childhood here too! Children pick right up on 'toxic' relationships and it's not a good environment for them, either.
You DO NOT sound 'juvenile' whatsoever in your post, either, by the way. You sound exhausted, and rightly so!
Time for dad to move into a senior housing complex where he can make rude remarks to all the other seniors to his heart's content. You'll go visit him once a week, or whatever, and you'll have dinner together. You'll take your life back & dad will develop a new life of his very own, where he gets to socialize and do things his way, in his own space, with his own friends or lack thereof, based on his own behavior. That's what adults do. They don't move in with their adult children so they can ruin their lives when they get old.
Make it happen. And remind him; it's not that you don't love him; it's about your need to live your OWN life in your OWN home. And you're not wrong for wanting to do so or expecting to do so. "Old world thinking" is now dead and gone.
Best of luck!
One of the boundaries should be to be civil and not rude to your fiance.
Give him a month to find new housing and be willing to help him. He needs to get his own life and not think your life is his life. He needs to find friends or acquaintances of his own. Maybe he can find an apartment in senior living, IL or AL depending on his needs.
Be prepared, he may take this badly and get mad but stand your ground as kindly as you can. Best of luck to your and your family.
You are the one who wants to start a new life. You are the one who wants him to live on his own. Therefore, you are the one who needs to start finding senior living communities within his budget, narrow them down to 2 or 3 that will suit him, take him to tour them, and tell him he needs to pick one. Since he wants to go everywhere with you, you should have no trouble getting him to tour senior residences.
You need to tell your dad that he's already been there X amount of months, which is more than "a few", and it's time for him to start a new life for himself just as you are starting a new life for yourself with your daughter and fiance. You need to tell him that it's not up for discussion - you have made your decision about what's best for you - and he needs to respect your decision.
1) Why did his previous arrangement ( living with a different family member) break down? If they ran out of tolerance (or if that was part of it), ask them how it went. Then ask if one of those people could come with you to talk to Dad. You need reinforcements, particularly if part of Daddy’s ‘old school mentality‘, is that daughters /women do what they’re told. This is the least ‘official’ way to deal with things.
2) Arrange respite care for Daddy for a month. ‘Respite’ is for the caregiver, not for the person cared for. Facing the fact that you need respite, might make it clear that you are finding this all hard to cope with. Respite in a good AL (or SL) might show him that he could enjoy the company. And AL probably has links to a social worker who could put in a good word.
3) You haven’t mentioned money – what share of household expenses Dad is paying, and what funds he has for other options. He certainly should be paying a share of all outgoings including food, plus additional costs if there is no substantial mortgage in the outgoings. If you do the cooking, cleaning and washing, there’s a charge for that too. Don’t make this his cheapest option financially, as well as the company he prefers.
4) Dad is treating your house like a hotel. Find out the cost of a modest hotel’s full room and board, and that’s what he should pay. If it’s towards $1000 a week that he is faced with paying this, it changes the benefits of just sitting tight in your house.
5) If he still won’t go, like Grandma says, set a deadline. Yes, you can offer to help him find somewhere else, but don’t do all the legwork yourself. It’s his life, he needs to start being responsible for himself NOW.
6) If the deadline passes and he has still done nothing, pack up his things, leave them at the front door, and put a lock on his bedroom door. Or change the locks on the outside doors. Offer to drop him off at a hotel.
For any of these things to work, you have to get over wanting him to feel loved and wanted. He is NOT wanted in your house on the present terms. He IS loved, but he needs to act out loving you and your needs too. If you don’t toughen up a bit (a lot?), nothing will change – except that your new relationship will break down and you won’t “be able to start a new chapter”.
Best wishes, Margaret