I'm actually in the UK my wife mother as been with us for 3 years. I wasn't asked it was assumed she would come to us. Prior to this she was staying with her other daughter (alot older than my wife) whose retired and wealthy. In this mix we have two sons aged 8 and 10. I suffer with mild depression and anxiety but take meds and hold down a job, I pay majority of house bills. This NY my anxiety as flared terribly my wife and I get no alone time in our living room as MIL is permanently rooted to the chair in front of the TV. Her health isn't great and obviously is declining as she gets older. She still owns her own home but hasn't been there for 5 years. I'm am at breaking point I don't feel happy in my own home for which I have worked so hard for. I'm even at the point of thinking separation and finding a home for me and my boys. I have kinda of mentioned it to my wife but she can be hard to discuss such things with without it flaring into an argument where I'm the one with the problem. I think I've been a good and fair husband surely 3 years is enough. I have read so many posts of people stuck in these situations kinda reassuring I'm not alone but need to get a solution. Thank you for letting me vent.
Enough is enough, that's the message to give your wife. I hope she hears it.
Best of luck to you.
Let me ask you something. Does your wife often assume you'll be fine with whatever she does or says? Do you get 'volunteered' by her to do things for others and no one asks you first? It sounds to me like this is probably how it is at your house. Only you can stop it and you do that by putting your foot down today.
You don't want MIL living in your house? She moves out then. You and your kids are supposed to be first in your wife's and vice versa. Not her mother or yours for that matter.
So, you and your wife need to go somewhere away from the kids and your MIL and have a talk. That talk ends with the two of you being in agreement that your MIL leaves. Or it ends with the two of you getting separated. The two of you together need to tell yur MIL she has to move out. This way she won't be able to single one of you out to villify to other people if it's known that you and your wife made this decision together. Good luck.
If she doesn't agree, ask her to go to counseling/therapy together.
Let us know how this goes. You shouldn't have your life disrupted in perpetuity. Especially when your MIL has a home to go back to, or which could be sold to pay for a new place for her.
What you have in your home is an elderly squatter who has decided your wife is to be her caregiver forever .
Your wife’s sister saw the writing on the wall. I suggest assisted living , and sell her home.
I also suggest you show your wife this thread if she says you are the problem again and refuses changes or counseling .
Your wife is the problem by allowing this to go on so long .
This is a marriage problem.
I would encourage you to seek marriage counseling to come to some conclusions, as you are going to have decisions to make.
You say you weren't asked. That means you have brought children into the world in a marriage in which you are helpless.
Please seek help. I am very sorry, but we can't manage your marriage/separation issues.
Wishing you the very best and am so very sorry for this situation.
1) Move yourself and your children into MIL’s empty house. W can live with MIL on her own. OR
2) Buy another TV and put it in MIL’s ‘master bedroom’. Take back your own living room for your own use.
Actions speak clearer than words.
We did suggest a TV for her room and got nice seats to sit in they have never been used stuff is just piled on on the chairs now.
In my mind that ship has sailed there's going to come a time she can't get up our stairs.
It's complicated as she lost her dad when he was only 62, 13 years ago, and she only has her mum left. However she agreed the situation isnt working and wants a week or two to speak to her mum. Hope she means it and something happens if she doesn't speak to her, I will and that may end in divorce but if do nothing we will divorce anyway
Sounds as if your wife may be dealing with FOG , fear , obligation , guilt . She may feel she can’t have her mother leave , which is not true by the way . Your wife may need some individual therapy as well .
I agree with others that if you can work it out with your wife , it should then be a joint approach to tell MIL she needs to move out . You and your wife should tell her together as a couple . A couple is only 2 people . MIL does not get a vote in this .
In the meantime , have MIL retire to her room after dinner for some alone time .
It’s not her home to take over .
Since you say it was assumed she would come to your family, it sounds like you missed your chance to correct that assumption back three years ago.
Of course many, perhaps most, don’t realize the toll it can take having a forever guest. It is truly a shame you now feel the need to separate your family. Would your MIL want that? Is she even aware?
Your boys need and deserve the best parents and home life they can have. Even if MIL is not the reason you are having problems, their security would be worth examining other options for MIL to give the marriage a chance.
And yes, you are the one with the problem as far as we know. Doesn’t that matter? Isn’t that worth discussing?
Perhaps you and wife should seek a therapist to help you work through these arguments to a resolution that works for the entire family.
How old is MIL? Is the assumption held by your wife and her sister that she will live out her life in your home? If the plan isn’t for her to move soon, then when?
Make sure that you are taking care of the basics. Good sleep. Exercise. Healthy diet. Hydration. These are important decisions you and your wife are grappling with. You need to be at your best.
My suggestion would be have a date night. Time for just you and wife. You also may want to go to a mediator where you can talk out things together hopefully calmly. You tell her how you feel. You don't say that MIL is hard to live with, just you have no privacy. Can your house be set up she has a sitting room of her own? Can u sell both houses and buy one with a MIL suite?