Follow
Share

I'm actually in the UK my wife mother as been with us for 3 years. I wasn't asked it was assumed she would come to us. Prior to this she was staying with her other daughter (alot older than my wife) whose retired and wealthy. In this mix we have two sons aged 8 and 10. I suffer with mild depression and anxiety but take meds and hold down a job, I pay majority of house bills. This NY my anxiety as flared terribly my wife and I get no alone time in our living room as MIL is permanently rooted to the chair in front of the TV. Her health isn't great and obviously is declining as she gets older. She still owns her own home but hasn't been there for 5 years. I'm am at breaking point I don't feel happy in my own home for which I have worked so hard for. I'm even at the point of thinking separation and finding a home for me and my boys. I have kinda of mentioned it to my wife but she can be hard to discuss such things with without it flaring into an argument where I'm the one with the problem. I think I've been a good and fair husband surely 3 years is enough. I have read so many posts of people stuck in these situations kinda reassuring I'm not alone but need to get a solution. Thank you for letting me vent.

Find Care & Housing
Ok, so you agreed to let the woman stay for "awhile" and its now 3 years! Thats way more than awhile, and bordering on forever. Whether your wife kicks up a big fuss or not, mother needs her walking papers pronto. She has her OWN HOME to go back to, for petesake, and never needed to live with you in the first place. If this sounds unreasonable to your wife, then you have no say in your own home! You'll then have to decide how you want to proceed with the marriage.

Enough is enough, that's the message to give your wife. I hope she hears it.

Best of luck to you.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report
Si7777 Jan 14, 2025
Thank you
(1)
Report
I agree with Alva. This isn't a MIL problem. It's a marriage problem as in your wife has no respect for you and just assumed that it would be fine if her needy mother (or anyone else for that matter just moves in).

Let me ask you something. Does your wife often assume you'll be fine with whatever she does or says? Do you get 'volunteered' by her to do things for others and no one asks you first? It sounds to me like this is probably how it is at your house. Only you can stop it and you do that by putting your foot down today.

You don't want MIL living in your house? She moves out then. You and your kids are supposed to be first in your wife's and vice versa. Not her mother or yours for that matter.

So, you and your wife need to go somewhere away from the kids and your MIL and have a talk. That talk ends with the two of you being in agreement that your MIL leaves. Or it ends with the two of you getting separated. The two of you together need to tell yur MIL she has to move out. This way she won't be able to single one of you out to villify to other people if it's known that you and your wife made this decision together. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to BurntCaregiver
Report
Si7777 Jan 14, 2025
In all fairness no my wife doesn't volunteer me for anything she said her mum was staying for a while and I went along with it. We give her the master bedroom as it as en suite and added seats. While we have bedroom space we don't have living space just one living room
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
Take your wife out to dinner to talk privately, and tell her this needs to change. Gently but firmly. Phrase it as you wanting to have your family time and couple time back, that you want to recover your family going forward, that you miss your time together.

If she doesn't agree, ask her to go to counseling/therapy together.

Let us know how this goes. You shouldn't have your life disrupted in perpetuity. Especially when your MIL has a home to go back to, or which could be sold to pay for a new place for her.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to MG8522
Report
Si7777 Jan 14, 2025
Iam going to bide my time for the right moment to bring it up. I will let you know how it's goes
(0)
Report
I read your replies .
What you have in your home is an elderly squatter who has decided your wife is to be her caregiver forever .

Your wife’s sister saw the writing on the wall. I suggest assisted living , and sell her home.

I also suggest you show your wife this thread if she says you are the problem again and refuses changes or counseling .

Your wife is the problem by allowing this to go on so long .
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to waytomisery
Report
Si7777 Jan 14, 2025
Funny that thought crossed my mind to prove I wasn't being a complete arsehole. I care for the MIL as I do for my parents who I also wouldn't want to live with. My mum as already said she doesn't want to cared by me or my brother.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
This isn't really an elder care problem.
This is a marriage problem.
I would encourage you to seek marriage counseling to come to some conclusions, as you are going to have decisions to make.

You say you weren't asked. That means you have brought children into the world in a marriage in which you are helpless.
Please seek help. I am very sorry, but we can't manage your marriage/separation issues.

Wishing you the very best and am so very sorry for this situation.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report
Si7777 Jan 14, 2025
No I wasn't asked directly I naively went along with as its my wife and her mum was unwell why she left the sister I do not know.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
Two suggestions:
1) Move yourself and your children into MIL’s empty house. W can live with MIL on her own. OR
2) Buy another TV and put it in MIL’s ‘master bedroom’. Take back your own living room for your own use.

Actions speak clearer than words.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to MargaretMcKen
Report
Si7777 Jan 15, 2025
Unfortunately the MIL is a bit of a hoarder her house is a mess and I pay the mortgage on the very nice house we live in.

We did suggest a TV for her room and got nice seats to sit in they have never been used stuff is just piled on on the chairs now.

In my mind that ship has sailed there's going to come a time she can't get up our stairs.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
I can relate and empathize with you as I am in the same boat and it’s become one of the biggest regrets. Similarly our home has also been taken over and it’s no longer my refuge as there’s no privacy or alone time I can feel my anxiety levels rising . I now realize there’s a whole lot of enmeshment and codependency b/t my partner and her parent. She’s afraid to set boundaries and I also struggle with this(people pleaser tendencies). I think for this to work there has to be clear boundaries from the start and the elderly parents needs to have some self awareness. I feel for you.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Timbercreek
Report
Si7777 Jan 19, 2025
How long as your situation gone on. My anxiety is awful, I have written down my thoughts to my wife so as not to have a big bust up.

It's complicated as she lost her dad when he was only 62, 13 years ago, and she only has her mum left. However she agreed the situation isnt working and wants a week or two to speak to her mum. Hope she means it and something happens if she doesn't speak to her, I will and that may end in divorce but if do nothing we will divorce anyway
(0)
Report
Sit your wife down and tell her that this is no longer working and that the children and marriage deserve to try to find a solution through marriage counseling . You and your children should be your wife’s first priorities .

Sounds as if your wife may be dealing with FOG , fear , obligation , guilt . She may feel she can’t have her mother leave , which is not true by the way . Your wife may need some individual therapy as well .

I agree with others that if you can work it out with your wife , it should then be a joint approach to tell MIL she needs to move out . You and your wife should tell her together as a couple . A couple is only 2 people . MIL does not get a vote in this .

In the meantime , have MIL retire to her room after dinner for some alone time .
It’s not her home to take over .
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to waytomisery
Report

So sorry you are in this situation. Welcome to the forum and you are welcome to vent anytime. We often have in-laws vent about caregiving in their homes.

Since you say it was assumed she would come to your family, it sounds like you missed your chance to correct that assumption back three years ago.

Of course many, perhaps most, don’t realize the toll it can take having a forever guest. It is truly a shame you now feel the need to separate your family. Would your MIL want that? Is she even aware?

Your boys need and deserve the best parents and home life they can have. Even if MIL is not the reason you are having problems, their security would be worth examining other options for MIL to give the marriage a chance.

And yes, you are the one with the problem as far as we know. Doesn’t that matter? Isn’t that worth discussing?

Perhaps you and wife should seek a therapist to help you work through these arguments to a resolution that works for the entire family.

How old is MIL? Is the assumption held by your wife and her sister that she will live out her life in your home? If the plan isn’t for her to move soon, then when?

Make sure that you are taking care of the basics. Good sleep. Exercise. Healthy diet. Hydration. These are important decisions you and your wife are grappling with. You need to be at your best.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to 97yroldmom
Report
Si7777 Jan 14, 2025
The MIL is 77 overweight with gallstones she had cataract op year or so ago. It's a good question I've no idea what the sister thinks for long term, but probably quite happy to have her out of her house. The issue is none of them talk about but I will need to start the conversation.
(2)
Report
Why is your MIL holding on to a house that she does not live in? Is it being rented so she has income. If you lived in the States we would have told you to have her sell it and use the proceeds to place MIL in a nice Care home.

My suggestion would be have a date night. Time for just you and wife. You also may want to go to a mediator where you can talk out things together hopefully calmly. You tell her how you feel. You don't say that MIL is hard to live with, just you have no privacy. Can your house be set up she has a sitting room of her own? Can u sell both houses and buy one with a MIL suite?
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report
Si7777 Jan 14, 2025
The house isn't being rented just sits empty, the MIL has said I'd like to try to go back - but not recently said it.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter