My parents are both 92 and live in their home independently. My Dad suffers from dementia. He is terrified of her as she emotionally abuses him if he goes against her wishes. He wants to see me, but I don't have any access to him. She does not allow him out of the house and won't let me in the house. He is a prisoner there. She doesn't talk to him if he tries to do anything that she hasn't approved. I want to see my father, especially because of his advanced age. I'm afraid she won't let me see him if he goes to the hospital or when he is dying. I spoke to APS, but they said that they can't "see" the kind of abuse I'm describing, so they can't do anything. Do I have any rights in this situation? He is under her control and is powerless.
Just to be sure I've understood you correctly: your father is living at his home with your mother. Two months ago he was diagnosed with dementia, but more recently was assessed as still having mental capacity. You are now hoping to arrange a further assessment.
Your mother, meanwhile, is undermining your efforts. But is it correct that she is your father's primary caregiver, and the one responsible for his welfare?
Hugs and prayers for you NY, and to anyone else living thru this situation.
My only point is the most expeditious route may be to make peace with mom. Easier said than done, no doubt.
I wish you well, and I hope at least you have the comfort that your father knows you love him. I do hope you can get to tell him soon.
He did not leave her when he was capable, ypu have no right to force a seperation by removing him.
Your mother is likely jealous of the fact that your main concern is him. Dad is 92, you have no legal standing.....so bite your tongue and kiss up to mom if you want to have dad in your life.
From reading other people's accounts, and from family experience (though not my own) I do indeed understand how hard it can be to deal with successfully manipulative narcissists; that is why, to me, your account seems incomplete and lacks credibility.
I don't wish you any hurt - why would I? - and I didn't intend to insult you; but I do not believe it is ethical or helpful to encourage people to pursue what seems to be a road to nowhere. Normally if I felt like that I simply wouldn't bother commenting, but your case struck me as different, somehow. Remarkable, literally.
Ba8alou, as so often, is spot on. But then you've already consulted the recognised authorities on your father's situation, haven't you, and been told there's no evidence of a problem. Well, quite.
I'm not suggesting for a second that I think your mother must be a sweetie pie and you're a wicked ungrateful child; when there is this kind of animosity there is almost always a bit of "six of one and half a dozen of the other" about it; and, obviously, I cannot possibly know what has taken place in your family - you've spared us the details.
But look. Stop consulting only those sources which foster your desperation, and go back to a neutral, independent authority, such as a counsellor or therapist, who can help you to a more constructive approach. You can be as angry with me as you like, it's no skin off my nose, but that's my best, honest advice.
My biggest question is why is your mother treating you like this? Has she always been this way? Has she been a controller all her life? And why is your father so fearful of her?
I have a suspicion these are ingrained behaviors developed over years and there's not much that can be done to change them. But it wouldn't hurt to ask law enforcement what your rights are and how you can implement them to see your father.
You said you talked with protective services. Did they actually go out and do a survey of what is happening in that house? Have you talked to your father? Perhaps you could call the police and say you haven't heard from your father for a very long time and you'd like them to do a wellness check.
Why is it she's angry with you?
Hypothetically: if one were to ask your mother why she won't allow you into her home, what would she say?
Therefore, you need to figure out your mother and how to sweet talk your way into the house. Your mom obviously doesn't trust you. So, you need to think outside the box. Get your mom to accept you as a non-threat. And maybe - she will allow you in. Only you know how she thinks. So, what can you do to allay her fears and have her open the door for you. No more threatening her of APS, or calling the cops, etc... If you angered her, apologize. But do Not make it soooo obvious!