I'm trying to see this from her perspective but having difficulty. Mom is almost 80, she presents with cognitive decline as well as psychiatric issues ( I think primarily due to extreme trauma as a child)..she has a plethora of medical diagnoses..
COPD being one of them. She doesn't believe she actually has COPD ( in spite of the o2 she needs 24/7...the inability to " get a good breath"..etc..) she refuses to see the doctor...any doctor. This is very frustrating for her caregiver since she complains constantly regarding her symptoms..I would say she's taken on the victim role...in fact it's more like a trait she's been doing it for so long. The past couple times we've called emergency because she can recite the day and her name they can't take her against her will. I'm really afraid she's just going to lie in that bed for the remainder of her life. It's very sad to watch this happen...can anyone relate with this? I just need to feel like I'm not alone.
You can't care more about someone's health than they do.
I'll remember this for if/when my mom gets to that point eventually. I strongly believe in not suffering and not artificially prolonging one's life.
I am learning that I SHOULDN'T care more about her health than she does. I've backed way down but it's soooo hard and sad.
My mom complains endlessly about every ache and pain, sometimes about her incontinence, sometimes about X, Y, Z. BUT will she do anything about it? NO. They only things that get taken care of are the things I push real hard on.
She could resolve many of her aches and pains with PT. HAHAHA that's a good one. Will she do any exercises without a PT leading her through them. Nah. Her hip is bothering her - I don't ask much about it cuz I know that it's just an uphill battle to get her to agree to go to the doctor and I'm 99% sure the answer it, you guessed it, PT. So, I just pretty much ignore it and see if/when she's ready to take action. I had to basically force her to get her knees replaced because she was in a lot of pain, knees giving out, etc. She would probably be in a wheelchair now if I hadn't done that. I wanted her to stay mobile and be able to remain more independent. If she doesn't, she'll end up in a facility, which she won't like either.
It is very sad when they don't give a hoot about taking care of themselves and being able to enjoy their remaining years. It's just maddening to me. I just don't get it. Why be so passive and just let everything just wash over you and get worse and worse without even putting up a fight? UGH.
Caregiving does get complicated when there are so many unknowns plus other apparent illnesses in the mix. Let's start with important basics:
Are you your mother's PoA? Is any one? This is important info to share here as it will change what advice is given to you. Once our LOs bump into the "outside" world with their needs, they and their family encounter the legal structures that dictate who can do what for whom. Often family caregivers have a hard time moving forward or getting things done when trying to operate outside of the structure.
Whether or not you are your mother's PoA, getting her diagnosed would be helpful. You can try to use a "therapeutic fib" to get her in to see her doctor (and you don't have to tell her where she is going until she's there). Maybe: "Medicare now requires an annual physical in order to confirm benefits" -- whatever you think will work. Have a pre-written note that you will discretely pass to her doc or nurse explaining who you are and why you are concerned. Ask for a cognitive/memory test. You may want to try to stay in the room during the exam as the medical team cannot discuss the results with you unless your mom is present and gives permission. Before leaving this appointment you should request the HIPAA form for Medical Representative. Fill in your name and have your mom sign it, if she's willing. This will give the medical team permission to legally discuss your mom's private info with you without her consent or being present. This is exactly what I did with my MIL to get her cognitive condition assessed. It shocked me when I realized how bad it was.
If you can get this done then at least you'll know where you stand. Of course the doc will also address her COPD, if that's her issue (she could be having a heart problem which would also cause shortness of breath so do no make assumptions about what her issues are).
"I'm really afraid she's just going to lie in that bed for the remainder of her life." This is what my very healthy MIL is currently doing in LTC in a very nice nursing home. It's ok, because this is what she chose: she didn't plan and didn't save and didn't deal with reality, ever. She has mild dementia and some short-term memory loss. She refused to get out of bed once in rehab (for a minor fall) and now she can't get out without a 2-person assist. We bent over backwards for her initially until it exhausted us. Now she is with people all day long and gets great care. Not how I had envisioned her senior years in my head (and that's part of the problem). One of the hardest adjustments is to come to peace with the fact that you can't control much -- or anything -- about your mom's life now, You are not responsible for her happiness. Like I said lots and lots of others have been down the road you are currently on. Please take their sage advice.