I am the oldest of 3 and unlike my siblings, I have lived close to our parents my whole life. As I got older, we became friends and were involved in each others lives and shared good times and bad. Now they are physically and mentally declining and my sister has moved close to help care for them. Things changed once she returned and now she has been assigned both power of attorney and executor of their wills. My brother is second. None of this was discussed beforehand and I only found out when I saw the documents. They were upset that I wanted to read them and ask questions. I feel that I should not have been excluded from the discussions and being aware of the plans for their future. I don't understand the secrecy and defensiveness on this issue. Everything is to be divided up equally among us 3. I am quite sure she's shared all this information with my sister. I understand that each of us have different capabilities and qualities that assign us to different responsibilities. What I don't understand is why I'm left in the dark. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Need advice and thoughts on how to deal with this.
There may be other reasons that we or you may never know, but they may relate to confidence in your ability to handle the tasks, or to keep them private, or to interact well with your siblings.
Or perhaps it's exactly the opposite: your parents may feel that you've extended yourself over the years, and want to give you an opportunity to enjoy them now and after they pass w/o having to deal with the end of life and legal issues.
Try instead to focus on the fact that she's taken care of end of life situations, and be happy that she's presumably found a solution to address them. And cherish her for what and who she is; these times will never be repeated, you'll never have another chance, so focus on maximizing the positive aspects of your parents' remaining time and the fact that the siblings are involved, even if they haven't been for years.
This is your parents' decision to make and they owe NO one an explanation.
Without a discussion it really comes across as "I love and trust your sibling more than I do you." Sometimes the information about who is executor or trustee is given to people as they are grieving the loss- so it is processed in a very emotional manner.
My children know who is doing what and why. My husband's parents changed their choices so often it clearly was a matter "who is the favorite".
It blew the family up.
What we think happened is that the big, impersonal church she belongs to came to her after her husband passed away and talked her into donating some huge chunk of her estate to the church when she dies. It's her money, and if she wants to bequeath a pile of cash or her house to them, that is her right. However, if they convinced her to leave everything to them, there is going to be a squabble.
She told my husband that he should destroy her old will, but he is hanging onto it in case we need it if we have to show that her original intention, before somebody got to her, was not to disinherit her only family. She is perfectly sane, except for her weird habit of making stuff up, so it's not a matter of dementia. If she ever does get dementia, it will probably be Irish dementia - she will forget everything but her grudges. ;-)
I didn't and don't take it personally. Mother has told me for years that her will is an open book, which it is and a boring one to boot. My 'inheritance' is so small, it's not worth mentioning. I'll probably gift it to the YB who has housed her for the last 22 years for no pay whatsoever.
My DH and I could not come to a decision about who should be our executor--in fact, I knew it should be our oldest daughter b/c she is level headed, smart, organized and unemotional. Our son is an attorney who lives in another state and is not the least bit interested in our lives. He is a hot head and if he were 'in charge' as it were, it would fracture my family.
I wanted my daughter, my DH wanted my son to do this, and I am so dang stubborn, I just held out for literally YEARS. He finally caved and now that all is said and done, he sees that the choice of our OD being the executrix is smart and wise.
Yup, Son is upset, but I don't care.
I am the oldest of 4, and when dad died 30 years ago my brother, 2nd who was the executor of his will, never read it aloud. I never questioned anything. Hind sight is 20/20 and I should have asked to read the will. Fast forward 30 years, Mom died earlier this year. Since dad's death I had been told that I was not in the will, and I never questioned that decision; it is and was my parents' money and they can do whatever they want with their money. After Mom's death, I found out I was in the will, and was getting 1/4th of everything, provided I did not question anything that my brother and sisters decided to do. As I was helping to clear out important documents, I found and kept the original will. To my shock and sadness, dad had named me as Mom's Primary Care Giver, had given me POA, and health care advisor, provided that I undertook the task once dad died; there was a 7 year waiting period. If I did nothing for 7 years, the duties would go to my brother and sister. Seven years passed after dad died, I did my yearly visits, weekly calls, but nothing special. So they took over. They paid themselves a hefty yearly salary, got control of her finances, made the house out to Mom and sister, and now want my share of the 1/4th to be split between the 3 of them.
So yes, it does happen, my dad knew those three were greedy and tried to protect Mom. She would not have died so soon as I would have watched her health; she had TIA's and sister, whom Mom was living with did not know this and was just disgusted that Mom was wetting herself in public. I am still trusting of them, I know this is bad. I now know that if my "close siblings" can cheat anyone sibling others will do the same. Husband, children and I have always lived within our means so Mom's money will help in our old age. My siblings however were so used to her money they are in financial ruin. Money makes siblings, no matter how religious they are, very greedy.
Now the healing can begin :)
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