My name has been on my mom's bank accounts for 20 plus years. I never even looked at them until this past year when I noticed she was starting to show confusion about her banking. I got the accounts set up for online banking so I could keep an eye on things. It started becoming clear that she was not balancing her checkbook or keeping up with her accounts. She would often be overdrawn somewhat but she had overdraft protection and it would transfer what was needed from her savings.
I had not said anything to her because she is pretty touchy when it comes to mentioning anything she might be having difficulty with. She has let me help with paying some of her bills. But I discovered that she is also putting things on 2 credit cards as well! I'm noticing that she goes to Walmart basically every day now along with other grocery stores at times. She is spending more and more during these trips. She lives alone and doesn't cook much but has her fridge, freezer and cabinets jammed full. She doesn't have a whole lot left in her savings and I'm concerned that she will have gone through all of it by the time she is in need of that money to help with her care.
How did those of you who have been through this, handle it? I don't have POA but I'm looking into making an appointment with an elder law attorney and bringing mom with me.
If you discuss with mother and an attorney then you may need to pull the soft rug out from under her with "Mom, things are going South here and I can see it. It is time now to accept help and get things set up to protect you. We will do bills together and I will give you a strong monthly accounting of every penny into and out of your accounts (you as POA would have to do that ANYWAY).
BUT...........Mom.............if you will not trust me and accept my help then I am bowing away from any help for you; and you need help now.
It's up to you. You can manage EVERYTHING alone, or you can accept my help and do your bills and manage your funds safely with my help.
I have been afraid to bring any of this up to you, because I was afraid of your reaction. I can see now that isn't helping either of us. It is time to recognize you need help."
And if she doesn't, then either go on as you are (which could end in a mess) or do consider backing away.
This is limited and things are going to get worse. Soon she won't be able to give POA and it will go either to getting THE call from hospital or coroner. Stubborness in all this has consequences but a child is limited in how much can be done with a stubborn and uncooperative elder. In fact, paranoia and stubborness will increase, not decrease. It is time to address this and with an attorney may be the best place. On the OTHER hand, not being prepared, she may feel ambushed and attacked and it may all go south in an expensive attorney's office.
Good luck.
I'm leaning toward talking about her finances with her before going to an attorney. I have mentioned she and I going to an elder law attorney to her before so we could find out what important things we need to do to be prepared for the future and she seemed agreeable. I guess we'll see how it goes. Thank you again!
Trust your instincts. Do what needs to be done. You got this!
She needs care now and probably has for some time. If she can't balance her checkbook, is confused, and is hoarding (cramming her refridgerator and cabinets) she isn't able to live independently on her own anymore.
There needs to be serious changes made. Starting with no more driving. If she's doing all the things you say and then gets touchy and stubborn when anyone mentions it, she has some kind of dementia. No one deserves to get killed because some senior is stubborn and wants to continue driving when they shouldn't be.
Get the POA done. That's a good start. Then get her to the doctor for some cognitive testing. Tell the doctor beforehand about the behaviors and the spending before she's bankrupt.
Alva is right. Not mentioning anything to her isn't going to help. Your mother can't be alone anymore because she isn't coping. She will probably blow up at you and push against any changes being made to keep her living safely at home. So you are going to have to stay strong and act with some tough love towards her for her own good. You're taking over the finances and there will be homecare coming to help her with the house, shopping, and anything else she needs.
You tell her plainly that this is how it's going to be otherwise you can't help her. There will be no stubbornness. If she goes through all her money on nonsense she will end up in a Medicaid nursing home because without money there won't be any other choices.
This should do it. I did senior care for 25 years and have seen this dynamic play out many times. Tell your mother what I have told countless seniors and their families.
Nothing gets a senior a one way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn.
Good luck to you.
I can't emphasize the importance of getting ducks in a row. My parents did not trust their daughters. Any discussion never ended well. It took my having a temper tantrum on the floor of their kitchen to finally get my mother to see a lawyer to get their legal documents in place. I think she finally realized I was going to leave and never come back.
Because of their lousy decisions we are dealing with a lot of issues right now in regards to the money from the sale of their house and Medicaid. When they finally did something it was too little too late.
No one wants to be in the place I am finding myself right now dealing with this. Talk to your parents.
I hate my parents for what they did to me. I will never feel the same about them again. I didn't want an inheritance, just wanted some peace of mind.
Have that conversation, hopefully it goes better for you.
The attorney can assess her for capacity at this appointment if she agrees. A good certified elder law attorney will also be on the lookout for coercion, so you will need to be very careful how you talk to her at this appointment. At the very least if she doesn't agree to it at that appointment, you should leave with 2 blank PoA documents / packet that she can later go with you to sign in front of a notary and 2 non-family witnesses (usually her bank is a good choice). You both need an original copy.
Make the appointment in the morning, so she isn't sundowning in the afternoon when you go.
Also, I showed by Mom how easy it was to manage accounts online and told her that for her investments other than checking and savings I needed a FPoA.
I wish you success in helping her make a good decision.
As for her spending, tell her that you want to help simplify things for her - and you. Give her a prepaid debit/credit card type gift to use for her "pleasure buying." As long as there are funds available on the card, she can spend it any way she chooses. Help make sure all her bills are paid and create a plan to "repay" some back into her savings from whatever income she gets monthly.
After years of being very secretive with our finances, our oldest became a CPA tax specialist so we had to begin opening up for him to help in that area. Finally I have tried to become an open book to our two sons in our personal affairs, especially since I am a 24/7 caregiver for my husband. I would love to be more open in case we need either of them to step up they would be more prepared. However, they don't seem to grasp the importance of being aware of everything.
I remember when I was young there were times I was glad I could blame my parents if I had to tell my friends I couldn't do something. Recently, someone asked to borrow more money than I was comfortable loaning. While I had access to the amount asked for I was able to say our sons controlled our finances. I am thankful the bulk of our assets are in a trust with our sons as trustees to protect me from unwise decisions in the future.
When my Mom passed she told my Dad she wanted some money to be donated to a charity. Well I learned that he donated a large sum of money. Then he went to the bank a week later and wired another large sum to the same charity. When I moved him to where I live he needed to fill out the facility application. I didn’t know at the time but he lied on the application. When I found out and asked him about it he said it’s no one’s business.
My Mom always took care of their finances and now I know why. I so regret not having this conversation with him earlier. I would have insisted that he needs it for his present and future care. Now I worry about future costs for him. His income isn’t enough to pay for assisted living. But it’s above the requirements for Medicaid. When he was in assisted living my husband and I paid the difference. If I would have had the conversation with him earlier, I would’ve prevented the current situation.
Hope you learn from my nightmare that it’s better to do it NOW. Otherwise it will only get worse. You will have peace of mind knowing that her spending has stopped.
Wishing you the best!
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