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she has been living with us for two years. She irresponsibly lost all of her savings. I am being told by friends, family and therapist that she needs to leave but she has nowhere to go. Guidance is much appreciated!
The fact that she has nowhere else to go isn't your problem. Your mother had 87 years to figure her own life out so that's not on you.
At her age it wouldn't make sense to get her into an independent senior living community because if she's going to need help.
So Long Term Care it is then. Larger (usually corporate-owned chains) nursing homes usually have a large section that is board and care. Not skilled care because someone needs acute medical care, not memory care because someone is out-of-it with dementia. Board and care is mostly people who are just old and need some assistance but can't afford AL or homecare. There will sometimes be a few mental cases who end up in there for a while because they acted up too much in their group home and were sent to a nursing home to get their meds right. The good news is, they don't get sent down to board and care unless their meds are right. So it will be okay.
As you know the facility will take your mother's monthly income and they will get her Medicaid application processed. You won't have to do that.
Look at some of the larger facilities and make some calls. Then take your mother to tour a couple. Tell he plainly that she is leaving and you're trying to help her by finding her a decent place. If she continues to play games and be stubborn tell her that the last resort is she gets dropped off at a hospital ER or legal eviction through the courts.
Call Elder Care Services and apply for Medicaid.Then look into some facilities. They will use her Socail Security and Medicaid will help to pay.She cannot have any assets though that would afford her to pay herself.
Sometimes it doesn't have anything to do with "normal boundaries." I built my mother a beautiful house on my property but she has refused to spend even a single night alone in it. So I found her a live-in assistant who is wonderful but my mother has given her the run of the house, wanting instead to cross twenty feet of sidewalk to stay in MY home. The live-in assistant wants to actually WORK for a living and is fantastic, almost a member of the family. But we can't get my mother to simply relax. By the way, my mother's behavior is nothing new. Part of the problem is that she has outlived all of her friends. She used to golf every day at our club and also paint with oils but now in her late nineties she doesn't have the strength for even nine holes and has lost interest in painting. I find her very annoying and don't know what to do. My kids think they should move in with her to help out but frankly I can't stand to be around them--and one of them has a two-year old. I wish this whole thing would just blow up so I could move to Europe and abandon all this responsibility. I've done it for almost half a century and I want to PLAY. What do you do with an athlete who has outlived all her skills????? Her mother and grandmother lived to be well over 100 and weren't so bi**hy.
You are a prime example of how anything you do for a narcissist is a waste of your time. You deserve a life of no abuse. You have to give up on these people. Something inside of me died last year after a bout of abuse. I stopped caring. It has to come at some point. I will be a good person, but not put up with abuse. I have put up with this for 58 years.
This is so sad. WE are NEVER prepared for bringing a senior in our homes. My mom lived with my husband and I for five years. It was an emergency situation where she needed care after a major surgery. My sister and brother could not come together mentally to work out a way where she could stay in her home. My husband and I moved her miles away to stay with us. I knew my mother didn't want to leave her home. She felt forced to leave. It's just my husband and I and I'm retired. We opened our doors and fixed up our home to make it comfortable for her to get around. She had plenty of health issues and many doctor appointments almost every month. It was so hard for her to adjust mentally and yes she gave us a hard time. The only thing I regret is not going to and Elder Lawyer to make sure we had everything in place before she moved. The day came where she called me to tell me, she'll except our invitation to stay with us. It was the stairs we worried about and our home has no stairs. We setup everything to make it comfortable. We even allowed her to have two bedrooms so that she could have a TV room with a comfortable reclining chair with the lift (Never asked her for a dime). With all we did, the chair wasn't good enough, the room was either to cold or to hot etc. And, she was set in her ways. She pushed herself to keep moving but, was totally in denial. She was all bent over and her knee was turning in with bone on bone. Yesss, we got very frustrated and my husband had to deal with not having my attention all the time. I couldn't leave her alone without making sure she had her breakfast lunch and dinner. My daughter and her husband helped me by running errands, and spending time with her. I worked hard to keep everyone happy. But, things happen fast!! And you never know when that time will come when your love one just can't do it anymore. My mom, walked slowing to her bedroom one evening. I wasn't even a week where she lost movement in her legs, even when she tried. I didn't know how to care for her anymore. Trying to turn her to clean her lasted over an hour and I still had to cook and take care of my home and family. Then the day came where I knew she needed to go to the hospital (she stopped eating, didn't want her medications or wouldn't trust me giving them to her anymore.) I told the social worker I needed help because I am not setup to give her the care she needed. They only kept her in the hospital due to her coumadin blood levels. She ended up in rehab. Then we found out she was having a stroke (Blood clot in the heart). I talked to my family and neither my brother or my sister rushed to come help me. It was my husband, my daughter and her family. We planned to bring her home and do what ever we could to care for her. I made sure I came twice a day to give her a bath brush her teeth and wash her face. We even moved her from one rehab to one that was only three minutes away. A smaller rehab would have been best because, the one that was close to me, showed it had everything but, I quickly could tell they were under staffed. I made choices that my mom wasn't willing to do before she moved and when her health started declining. She had money in the bank but she changed her accounts without beneficiaries. It was a mess!!! The bank she trusted? There is non where we live. With all this, I just want to suggest that you look at the years as a little peace of time. Get family involved if you can and, for those who are thinking about moving a love one in your home? Make sure you get the resources you need to help you. Don't move them in without asking them to see a Elder lawyer with you (if they can.). Keep good records and love them no matter what. My mom's memory started going and it was no way I could get her to finish the important things that never was done. If you don't have the money for a good senior home or in home care? Just stay close to them and help when the care givers can't.
This is a beautiful and compassionate letter. Outstanding advice: "Don't move them in without asking them to see a Elder lawyer with you (if they can.). "Keep good records and love them no matter what." I am sure you have no regrets. May you be blessed.
I feel for you as I am in the same situation. I know everyone here is trying to be helpful but the reality is that you are probably not going to evict her at 87 years of age. Having grown up with a narcissistic mother, I know only too well the complexity of your love and hate for her and if ure like me, you don't have the heart to treat her, the way she treats you. It's like not being able to abandon an injured animal eventhough they take the hand off you as quick as look at you. Narcissists are spectacularly good manipulators and know how to get to us. Yes I believe she is ruining your life and sadly she does not care. My approach has been to learn to manage her and her impact on me and my life. Not easy, but I've been chipping away at it for years. Introduce ways to offset the impact she is having and try to gradually insulate your family's life from her influence. I think you know deep down that you can't evict her without destroying yourself with guilt. It is the most awful dilemma and the most difficult situation I hope you will ever have to survive. She will eventually pass, and you will get your life back. I wish you the very best in the meantime.
Had you posted prior to moving her in, I would have advised not to move her in. Getting them out is hell. You can't fix the narcissism so you've got to get her out of your home.
It really depends on what care she requires as to where she can go. Is she mobile? Incontinent? Still driving? Dementia diagnosis? Contact social services and tell them she has to find somewhere to live and ask for assistance with that.
Although it is commendable for adult children to want to help take care of their aging parents, it is not required. You are not responsible for her life!
Find an inexpensive apartment for her, and help her move in. If that is not feasible, or she can not live on her own (take care of herself), then she is a candidate for a nursing home or assisted living. Assisted living is pretty expensive, and not covered by medicare/medicaid. If she is accepted into a nursing home, her entire income will likely go to cover the cost, and a social worker will probably help her apply for medicaid assistance to cover the rest.
Follow your heart, and don't feel guilty if you don't feel compelled to take care of her needs. We reap what we sow. If she has not been a good parent or a responsible person, that is not your problem!
You do not allow her to ruin your lives. However, you have allowed this behavior so she adjusted to it - knowing she can 'rule the roost' without any consequences.
THIS NEEDS TO CHANGE.
As long as she is still with you, you leave when she speaks to you or any family member in a disrespectful manner. - You walk out. - As long as she is there, you do the bare essentials: feed / bring her food, manage hygiene care as needed. - You do not speak of dementia. Find out / have her assessed. * if she understands, you tell her "talking to (me) (other family member) is not acceptable. And walk out.
"If" she wants you / others in the household to spend more time with her aside from the bare essentials, she will / may 'get it' that she needs to change in order to get more interaction / company.
When is medicaid happening?
* She needs to live solely on her soc sec. Never ever supplement as it then appears that she has more income that she actually has
* Keep good financial records - expenditures
* Check into nursing homes and their financial requirements.
As needed, it you may want to hire an attorney specializing in these areas (elders, government subsidiaries, soc sec) and find out exactly what your options are.
Get into (temporary / short term) therapy if you feel it will help you/r family. I believe that narcissistic personality types / mothers means that you likely have been traumatized since childhood. That you may feel stuck and/or unable to assert yourself is understandable. Now that you feel she is 'ruining' your lives (you allowed it; she didn't do it by yourself), you are ready to make some changes. Start with telling her that she needs to talk to you/your family with respect. Mirror the words you want her to say as she likely / may not know. "Ask me nicely, like this "xxxx" (when she wants something). This change of interpersonal dynamics will / may shock her, depending on her cognitive abilities. It is new behavior / communication for both of you. Take one step at a time. Take care of yourself - 'self care' is critically important - Eat healthy Exercise / move Meditate Do self-care affirmations / visualizations Take breaks as needed Do not offer 'empty threats' - when you say "if you continue to (xxx) talk to me like this, I will leave ... then walk out. Empty threats won't do any good... just exhaust you.
Role play as you need to. Practice. Asserting yourself may feel very new. Be patient and kind to / with yourself.
Ruthgold23: Using her funds, retain an elder care attorney to begin the Medicaid process; ergo, tell your mother that she will have to move into a managed care facility.
Once you have taken your parent into your home you have made it their home. You have painted yourself into a corner that will not easily be gotten out of. Courage and honesty are the only answers. You will need to tell your parent that you no longer wish to live with her. Reassure her that you will assist her in applying for medicaid and assist her in finding the best placement you are able to find in these circumstances. Perhaps consider a "six pack" as they are called--a board and care that is more home like and often run by a family.
Not easily done. Be certain it doesn't pass into the realm of argument and justifying it. Simply say that your limitations are such that this is not working for you and you wish now to live alone. Best of luck to you.
Not sure if this will be helpful or applicable but (my parents are aging in place at home). When my mothers dementia was progressing I contacted local DHS social services 10 months ago and asked for help. They were able to assist with in home PT/OT. When she could no longer bath herself they had a nurse come to the house to assist her in the shower (medicare/senior aging programs covered the cost). In addition I was put in touch with Pallative Care team (thru the county that they live in) they have been wonderful and a valuable lifeline for me. They also enrolled parents in a program that helps financially. Parents live on social security - nothing out of pocket for all the services that they receive - all covered by medicare. Reach out to your county Department of Social Services, then any senior aging organization, and lastly your county pallative care organization. I hope this information helps in some way.
Use some of her SS check to pay for a part time caregiver. Also, get an evaluation from hospice. It doesn’t always mean end of life. Hospice can do palliative care,
My hope is between hospice & a part time paid caregiver that will take some pressure off you. Yes, she’ll still be in your home, but you will have less to deal with, Hospice will do baths, hair washing, diaper chg, chg bed linens, start laundry, A caregiver can also do all that, plus prep meals, light housework, errands, take her to appts etc,
A hospice evaluation is free and if she qualifies, Medicare pays for all hospice care and the supplies they need, They come to your home, Call your local Area Agency in Aging…Google them…and they will arrange for hospice to do a qualification evaluation in your home, With a caregiver, you will need your own supplies. Hospice will let you speak with one of their social workers and they can probably help find a private caregiver. There are many agencies, but they are more expensive then some of the private caregivers,
I like your suggestion, however, I'm not hearing from the OP about care needs, but more about the difficulty of living with a narcissistic parent who is "ruining our lives". Although... having caregivers come in may give the narcissist the attention they need and greatly reduce the strain on the family. They don't even need to be caregivers. Companions, housekeepers, anyone to help with meeting her needs and make her feel doted on. And Absolutely use mom's SS income to pay for it!
The next time she has a hospital stay of at least three days do not accept her back at your house. Get her placed in a rehab that will accept Medicaid after Medicare stops paying and/or have them arrange for release to a Medicaid facility when the rehab stay is completed. Do not accept her back at your house. Tell them you cannot care for her and to do so would be an unsafe discharge. If that strategy is not possible, start the search for a Medicaid facility and get help with a Medicaid application.
Who cares if she has nowhere to go? She has made her bed and now she gets to lie in it. You owe your mother NOTHING. As in NOTHING. As long as you continue to enable her bad behavior things will never change. Apply for Medicaid for her, and get her placed in a Medicaid assisted living facility. But sadly since you've allowed her to live with you for 2 years, you'll more than likely have to go through the eviction process to actually get her out. So start the process TODAY!
get her on Medicaid status ASAP. Then can try to get her into nursing home or assisted living. probably you cant do much with SS alone. Unless family is willing to chip in some money for AL until she qualifies for medicaid
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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At her age it wouldn't make sense to get her into an independent senior living community because if she's going to need help.
So Long Term Care it is then. Larger (usually corporate-owned chains) nursing homes usually have a large section that is board and care. Not skilled care because someone needs acute medical care, not memory care because someone is out-of-it with dementia. Board and care is mostly people who are just old and need some assistance but can't afford AL or homecare. There will sometimes be a few mental cases who end up in there for a while because they acted up too much in their group home and were sent to a nursing home to get their meds right. The good news is, they don't get sent down to board and care unless their meds are right. So it will be okay.
As you know the facility will take your mother's monthly income and they will get her Medicaid application processed. You won't have to do that.
Look at some of the larger facilities and make some calls. Then take your mother to tour a couple. Tell he plainly that she is leaving and you're trying to help her by finding her a decent place. If she continues to play games and be stubborn tell her that the last resort is she gets dropped off at a hospital ER or legal eviction through the courts.
It's just my husband and I and I'm retired. We opened our doors and fixed up our home to make it comfortable for her to get around. She had plenty of health issues and many doctor appointments almost every month. It was so hard for her to adjust mentally and yes she gave us a hard time. The only thing I regret is not going to and Elder Lawyer to make sure we had everything in place before she moved.
The day came where she called me to tell me, she'll except our invitation to stay with us. It was the stairs we worried about and our home has no stairs.
We setup everything to make it comfortable. We even allowed her to have two bedrooms so that she could have a TV room with a comfortable reclining chair with the lift (Never asked her for a dime). With all we did, the chair wasn't good enough, the room was either to cold or to hot etc. And, she was set in her ways. She pushed herself to keep moving but, was totally in denial. She was all bent over and her knee was turning in with bone on bone. Yesss, we got very frustrated and my husband had to deal with not having my attention all the time. I couldn't leave her alone without making sure she had her breakfast lunch and dinner. My daughter and her husband helped me by running errands, and spending time with her. I worked hard to keep everyone happy.
But, things happen fast!! And you never know when that time will come when your love one just can't do it anymore. My mom, walked slowing to her bedroom one evening. I wasn't even a week where she lost movement in her legs, even when she tried. I didn't know how to care for her anymore. Trying to turn her to clean her lasted over an hour and I still had to cook and take care of my home and family.
Then the day came where I knew she needed to go to the hospital (she stopped eating, didn't want her medications or wouldn't trust me giving them to her anymore.) I told the social worker I needed help because I am not setup to give her the care she needed. They only kept her in the hospital due to her coumadin blood levels. She ended up in rehab. Then we found out she was having a stroke (Blood clot in the heart). I talked to my family and neither my brother or my sister rushed to come help me. It was my husband, my daughter and her family. We planned to bring her home and do what ever we could to care for her.
I made sure I came twice a day to give her a bath brush her teeth and wash her face.
We even moved her from one rehab to one that was only three minutes away.
A smaller rehab would have been best because, the one that was close to me, showed it had everything but, I quickly could tell they were under staffed.
I made choices that my mom wasn't willing to do before she moved and when her health started declining.
She had money in the bank but she changed her accounts without beneficiaries. It was a mess!!! The bank she trusted? There is non where we live.
With all this, I just want to suggest that you look at the years as a little peace of time. Get family involved if you can and, for those who are thinking about moving a love one in your home? Make sure you get the resources you need to help you. Don't move them in without asking them to see a Elder lawyer with you (if they can.). Keep good records and love them no matter what. My mom's memory started going and it was no way I could get her to finish the important things that never was done.
If you don't have the money for a good senior home or in home care? Just stay close to them and help when the care givers can't.
It really depends on what care she requires as to where she can go. Is she mobile? Incontinent? Still driving? Dementia diagnosis? Contact social services and tell them she has to find somewhere to live and ask for assistance with that.
Find an inexpensive apartment for her, and help her move in.
If that is not feasible, or she can not live on her own (take care of herself),
then she is a candidate for a nursing home or assisted living.
Assisted living is pretty expensive, and not covered by medicare/medicaid.
If she is accepted into a nursing home, her entire income will likely go to cover the cost, and a social worker will probably help her apply for medicaid assistance to cover the rest.
Follow your heart, and don't feel guilty if you don't feel compelled to take care of her needs. We reap what we sow. If she has not been a good parent or a responsible person, that is not your problem!
However, you have allowed this behavior so she adjusted to it - knowing she can 'rule the roost' without any consequences.
THIS NEEDS TO CHANGE.
As long as she is still with you, you leave when she speaks to you or any family member in a disrespectful manner.
- You walk out.
- As long as she is there, you do the bare essentials: feed / bring her food, manage hygiene care as needed.
- You do not speak of dementia. Find out / have her assessed.
* if she understands, you tell her "talking to (me) (other family member) is not acceptable. And walk out.
"If" she wants you / others in the household to spend more time with her aside from the bare essentials, she will / may 'get it' that she needs to change in order to get more interaction / company.
When is medicaid happening?
* She needs to live solely on her soc sec. Never ever supplement as it then appears that she has more income that she actually has
* Keep good financial records - expenditures
* Check into nursing homes and their financial requirements.
As needed, it you may want to hire an attorney specializing in these areas (elders, government subsidiaries, soc sec) and find out exactly what your options are.
Get into (temporary / short term) therapy if you feel it will help you/r family. I believe that narcissistic personality types / mothers means that you likely have been traumatized since childhood. That you may feel stuck and/or unable to assert yourself is understandable. Now that you feel she is 'ruining' your lives (you allowed it; she didn't do it by yourself), you are ready to make some changes. Start with telling her that she needs to talk to you/your family with respect. Mirror the words you want her to say as she likely / may not know.
"Ask me nicely, like this "xxxx" (when she wants something).
This change of interpersonal dynamics will / may shock her, depending on her cognitive abilities. It is new behavior / communication for both of you.
Take one step at a time.
Take care of yourself - 'self care' is critically important -
Eat healthy
Exercise / move
Meditate
Do self-care affirmations / visualizations
Take breaks as needed
Do not offer 'empty threats' - when you say "if you continue to (xxx) talk to me like this, I will leave ... then walk out. Empty threats won't do any good... just exhaust you.
Role play as you need to.
Practice.
Asserting yourself may feel very new.
Be patient and kind to / with yourself.
Gena / Touch Matters
Not easily done. Be certain it doesn't pass into the realm of argument and justifying it. Simply say that your limitations are such that this is not working for you and you wish now to live alone.
Best of luck to you.
Also, get an evaluation from hospice. It doesn’t always mean end of life. Hospice can do palliative care,
My hope is between hospice & a part time paid caregiver that will take some pressure off you. Yes, she’ll still be in your home, but you will have less to deal with, Hospice will do baths, hair washing, diaper chg, chg bed linens, start laundry, A caregiver can also do all that, plus prep meals, light housework, errands, take her to appts etc,
A hospice evaluation is free and if she qualifies, Medicare pays for all hospice care and the supplies they need, They come to your home, Call your local Area Agency in Aging…Google them…and they will arrange for hospice to do a qualification evaluation in your home, With a caregiver, you will need your own supplies. Hospice will let you speak with one of their social workers and they can probably help find a private caregiver. There are many agencies, but they are more expensive then some of the private caregivers,
Although... having caregivers come in may give the narcissist the attention they need and greatly reduce the strain on the family.
They don't even need to be caregivers. Companions, housekeepers, anyone to help with meeting her needs and make her feel doted on.
And Absolutely use mom's SS income to pay for it!
If that strategy is not possible, start the search for a Medicaid facility and get help with a Medicaid application.
That could be years!
They need to act now!
You owe your mother NOTHING. As in NOTHING.
As long as you continue to enable her bad behavior things will never change.
Apply for Medicaid for her, and get her placed in a Medicaid assisted living facility.
But sadly since you've allowed her to live with you for 2 years, you'll more than likely have to go through the eviction process to actually get her out.
So start the process TODAY!
Why does she live with you? She isn't 65 yet so she can get a job.
What did you expect the end result of letting a narcissist live with you to be?
Then can try to get her into nursing home or assisted living.
probably you cant do much with SS alone. Unless family is willing to chip in some money for AL until she qualifies for medicaid