Three years ago my husband and I moved my dad in our home. At that time he was able to do everything for himself and was driving. Things have gone downhill in the past year. He was diagnosed with onset of dementia. He now doesn't drive, needs help getting around with a walker, is wearing diapers and depends on me for other daily needs.
I am an only child and my husband is wonderful with his help.
Here is my question... my husband and I would like to take a vacation and my Dad is not cooperating. I was going to take him to respite care... NO. I was hiring in-home care... NO. He wants to stay home alone and I have a pet sitter that will just check on him. He is in fear someone will hurt him.
I don't know what to do next and I don't want to deny my husband a weeks vacation either.....Help.. what do I do?
Have you got as far as actual enquiries about the in-home care option? I should talk to a reputable agency and explain what your father's needs are, and that he is used to having only your support. A good agency will be very familiar with this sensitive issue and should have invaluable advice for you. You want to talk to one which offers 'aging in place' services, so that they have a good understanding of the house-and-person combination.
The point to make to your father is that this service is for you and your husband, so that the two of you are able to enjoy R&R as a married couple and recharge your batteries. You don't need his permission to take your break; and you don't need his permission to insist on cover for yourselves while you're away.
The caregivers will, it's true, need his permission to assist him. But befriending, encouraging and reassuring vulnerable elders is all part of the skill set that you're paying them for.
When possible, don't help in ways that a facility or caretaker would and the facility or caretaker will be their better option and you will not develop expectations that crush you.
After she cracked ribs in a fall and didn't tell anyone for a week, we enrolled her at a facility which flexibly let her visit away from the facility. So, with a lot of cajoling, she would go for a social event with other elders and would end up staying overnight when she got tired rather than wait the 30 minutes for a pickup and half hour drive home. An hour seemed like a long time to wait when she was tired. We did not wait there with her as a valet service.
Eventually, she became fearful of going home because that meant being alone more often and chose to stay longer and longer. Even in her incapacitated state she began to avoid a trip home to get something or spend a weekend at her house. Her house seemed too complicated and scary. We helped set it up that way as we did not make being home easy for her. Her sense of home became attached to the facility.
We didn't make it easy, not in a cruel way, but things like if she didn't like that the dishes were up high we agreed and discussed how it wasn't a problem at the facility. We didn't move the dishes into easier reach and she didn't think to ask. If the laundry piled up we only did washing for her during her facility visit. "Oh, looks like you have chores building up, take a day off and I'll do things here."
It was so relieving when she stated she no longer felt happy at home and the facility was where her friends and sense of safety was.
It ended up that she would live for about 15 more years and was total unable to care for herself. It would have been a nightmare to try and make her home wheelchair accessible and safe for someone who was medically fragile and was panicked by leaving for appointments.
By the time she was too medically needy for the facility and moved to a 24/7 medical care facility she was too far gone to notice the change and she was used to the routine.
I suggest to anyone to transition while your loved one still has the faculties to participate in the transition and is struggling with self-care so that the facility is a relief to them.
Once you are expected to help with toileting and feeding your life will be totally on hold.
Very well stated.
As long as you have researched the respite site and you are satisfied with what you have found, his “no” doesn’t count.
I was an only, and I am now one of two POAs for my mom’s youngest sibling.
Take my word for this- not having a sibling to help may be less of a nuisance than having someone else involved who does nothing but get in your way.
You are SO fortunate to have a husband who honors you and his FIL by stepping up.
Treat that husband right and arrange for a refreshing week away, and treat Dad right by finding the situation for him that YOU are prepared to trust, and present it to him without an alternative choice.
Trust me, I’m sure that out of your concern, you WILL make the choice that is the best available to you.
Whether he goes to a respite facility or you have someone come in to care for him, get him used to it before your vacation. Take him for an overnight at a respite facility, let him see it's not so bad. Or start having someone come in now from time to time to let your dad get accustomed to it. You and your husband go out for part of the day and let your dad get acquainted with a caregiver knowing that you'll be back in several hours.
And if your dad agrees to stay home with a caregiver while you're on vacation ask the pet sitter to check in on him anyway since that person is someone your dad already knows.
This is not Dads decision. This is yours. I personally would not set up 24/7 care in your home. Dad probably wouldn't call to tell the agency someone didn't show up. Call around to the NHs and ALs. Some have respite care. That way Dad is fed and taken care of and safe. You can enjoy your vacation.
Don't ask, tell Dad you are going away and you have made arrangements for him to stay in an AL (I would go this way) for the week. You will pick he up when you return. If he says no, say sorry Dad but hubby needs this vacation and as his wife you are going along. And he needs to go to the AL so u don't worry about him and can enjoy the trip.
Pick 2.
Take dad with you to do a tour as well.
Tell him you are going on vacation and that he can choose one or the other. If he does not choose you will.
Pick one.
Get all the paperwork you need to get done. He will most likely need a TB skin test and a recent physical.
Tell your dad that you are leaving on vacation on........whatever date and that he will be going on his own vacation.
Do not let him guilt you into not going.
I think you should also think of this respite stay for him as maybe a permanent possibility. It is going to get more and more difficult for you to care for your dad. Might be something to think about and talk about with your family while you are on vacation.
(If your dad is on Hospice Medicare will cover the respite care. )
By the way if your dad is a Veteran the VA may also be able to help. Just another avenue for you to explore.
Then when you get home, start exposing him more to in home help so you both get used to it for the future.
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