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On day 20 he needs to go home or be put in a VA nursing home. His wife is being paid by the VA to provide home health care. She refuses to bring himhome and wants to send him to a Va nursing home, the closest being 2 hours away. He has clearly stated to his case workers he does not wantto do this. We live in another state and would gladly bring him to our home for care. My question is can the wife prevent this? Apparently the VA willassist moving to another state, If the plan proceeds as is, he will die alonein a strange place with no family near. He does not want nor deserve this.Can we, as he wishes, legally change his VA benefits from his wife?This is a huge mess and any guidance would be welcome.

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Is it possible to get the wife to listen that your Dad does not want to live where no one is nearby ?
Is it possible to persuade her to let him come live with or near you ?
Maybe stress that your Dad does not want to live 2 or more hours away from everyone .
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Reply to waytomisery
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She refuses for a reason. It is not sustainable, if he needs nursing home at 96 his care is complex and requires several people.
What mess? This happens with advanced age and disease.
I just brought my husband from hospital today.
I suspect I am decades younger than his wife but it is not just about age.
I fear with already several hospital stays and Parkinsonism and perhaps much worse, it is going to happen I will not be able to take my husband home. I have every right to refuse and if complexity of care increases NH is the only option.
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Reply to Evamar
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Your "poordad" needs his wife to be on board with this idea, as she is likely his POA and also exhausted from the caregiving. You're acting as though she's abandoning him to a dungeon somewhere where he'll be ignored and miserable, with no visits from his own wife! If I were you I'd change my whole attitude and find some loving compassion and empathy for your MOTHER IN LAW in all this. If you succeed, you'll find out just HOW difficult and exhausting it is to care for an elder at home. Trust me on that.

At this point in a very long life, people can't always get what they want, but what they need instead. There are TWO lives to consider here, not just one.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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lealonnie1 Dec 29, 2024
PS....FIL has a 20 day allotted rehab stay, not a hospital stay.
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Your father-in-law is 96.
How old is the wife you/he are expecting to do the caregiving in home for him?
If he is expecting an elderly wife to care for him in home, and if he is dependent on her for his care needs, that is no longer realistic.
His wife, as his next of kin, should be allowed to continue to work with the VA for his care needs.
I feel that it is time for you to step back and let this husband and wife make care decisions together and for one another. I very much doubt (but do not KNOW) whether VA will change his benefits. Feel free to consult with them by phone should you wish to have your questions answered.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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There is no guarentee he will get into a VA Nursing home. They take Vets with service related problems. He may need to be placed in a Longterm care facility with Medicaid paying if there is no money for Assisted Living and Assisted living depends on how much care he needs. To qualify for Medicaid, your in-laws need to see an Elder Lawyer to split their assets. FIL's split going toward his care. When almost gone, Medicaid is applied for.

The 20days does not refer to Hospitals but to Rehab. And 20days is not guarenteed. Medicare pays 100% for the first 20days but a person can be discharged anytime within that 20 days. It depends on how the person is progressing and Medicare determines that. Same with hospital stays, Medicare determines how long the patient will be there. I would talk to the Hospital Social worker and see what options you have.

"Yes, eligible veterans can receive free nursing home care from the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA). To qualify, veterans must meet certain criteria, including: Having a service-related disability, Meeting income and asset limitations, Having a clinical need for nursing home care, and Completing a financial assessment when enrolling."
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Reply to JoAnn29
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There are personal and legal issues in your question.

1) His wife’s situation. How old is she? What help does she have? What help do the VA in-home benefits cover – enough for carers around the clock and for day-time off? How is FIL’s behavior, and how difficult is he to care for?

Your post could cover everything from a young-ish retiree wife wanting to ‘get rid of him’, to an aging wife who can no longer cope with an impossibly difficult situation.

2) Your own situation. You “would gladly bring him to our home for care”. How old are you? What experience do you have with in-home caring around the clock? How much do you know about his day-in-day-out caring needs? Does he ‘show-time’ at the times when you see him? As it’s ‘our’ home, do both of you feel the same way? What is your own ‘exit plan’ if it all gets too difficult.

3) Your FIL’s situation. He has “has clearly stated to his case workers he does not want” to go to this VA home. He probably wants to “go home” to his own home, possibly even his childhood home. Most people want "home". How does he feel about moving in with you, permanently, a long way away from his own home and his wife? You think it’s a better option, but does he agree?

4) The money. “Can we legally change his VA benefits from his wife?” That’s a question for VA, you need to ask them. His wife is likely to be entitled to something. Chances are it won’t be ‘extra’.

5) The change in benefits, from wife to you, being “as he wishes’. He is 96. ‘His wishes’ may depend on who he is talking to.

If you can, perhaps offer W and FIL ‘a break’, a short holiday at your house. It would be a help to his wife, and a chance for all you to put a toe in the water before doing anything that will be very disruptive to change.

Best wishes for more thinking about a very difficult situation.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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His wife has realized that trying to take care of him by herself is beyond what she can handle. You should respect her decision in my opinion. You could take him in with you if you want. As far as the VA benefits, hopefully someone else here will experience can advise.
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Reply to mstrbill
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