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my mom is supposed to move to the states sometime soon and my husband finally told me that he doesn’t want my mom to move in with us and he doesn’t want her to stay with us for more than a year. Growing up my mom wasn’t a bad mom but could be manipulative at times and she was harsh and restrictive to me as a girl. She controlled my life till I was 23 years old and moved to the state. Even before I get married she would tell me that I can’t have a boyfriend unless I marry him in less than a year and can’t live with him ( my mom is Muslim and religious). Now I have been married for 5 years ( we’re both 30) and my husband says he doesn’t want my mom to live with us from now .. he says we are at the beginning of our lives and I want to build my life without having to pay for your mom ( she won’t have any income or incoming money and she is 65 with back issues and arthritis, diabetes,.. and she won’t qualify for any benefits as she is going to be a new resident ) he is worried that this will take a toll on our relationship as he won’t feel comfortable in his own house. I don’t know what to do.. or how to tell my mom. I don’t want to lose my relationship. Any advice?

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Do not move your mother here. Your husband and your marriage come FIRST. Your mother is Muslim and will not fit in here, unless you and your husband are Muslim too. There will be no customs she's familiar with, no friends she can hang around with, nothing for her to do. She will have no income, no Social Security check to rely on, no job, how will she contribute to your household? She will have preconceived notions of how YOU should live YOUR lives and make them known to you. Your privacy will be compromised with her living in your home. She has back issues, arthritis and diabetes, and NO HEALTH INSURANCE in the USA. How will all her bills get paid, including doctor bills? Medication bills? Hospital bills? The cons outweigh the pros by a huge margin!

You tell your mom she cannot live with you b/c your husband is not comfortable with the arrangement. Blame him. Sorry mom, I love you but I have to defer to my husband on this. We'll come to visit as we are able, but we cannot move you to the USA.

Nip this potential catastrophe in the bud BEFORE it happens so that you're not trying to figure out how to get mom OUT of your house once she's settled in there, snug as a bug in a rug. Moving her here 'for a year' means you'll never be able to move her BACK to where she came from!!!! Big mistake.

Read these boards. See for yourself how hard it is to actually DO that!

There will be people here that disagree with me, and that's fine. This is just my opinion based on years of dealing with a difficult mother who did NOT live with me, but who caused me and my husband A LOT of heartache nonetheless. 10.5 years of caring for her and a lot of time and energy spent trying to deal with OUR lives and her life at the same time. Our marriage suffered a LOT of hits as a result, trust me on that.

Good luck.
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PeggySue2020 Aug 2022
Just because someone is a Muslim doesn’t mean they won’t fit in anymore than if they are Christians or Jews or Hindus or whatever.

The larger problem is that you will have to pay for everything from the get go. Meaning hubs will have to help pay. Like Lea said, it is extraordinarily expensive to even get medical insurance for someone 65 plus, if you can even find it.
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Why is she moving here at all? Is there no family there who can keep an eye on her? She's hardly elderly and should be able to care for herself.

Trust me, if she moves here she'll be 100% dependent on you for everything -- support, food, housing, medical, and social life. You won't have a minute to yourselves.
I wouldn't do it for more than a week's vacation, let alone a year.

Your husband is very wise. This WILL destroy your marriage, so make the choice now -- Mom or husband.
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Bad decision to move her here, and especially to live with you. Trust me, this will not work. Others have posted some very valid reasons not to do this.

Listen to them and your husband.

Your mother is only 65, she could live for another 30 years and if you start this now, it will never end, once you move her in, she will not leave willingly and that opens another can of worms!

Your husband has made it clear, listen to him, he is your priority.
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My advice is for you to listen to your wise husband. I am 63, young at heart, great shape, independent, and would NEVER want to burden my kids. You may think your mom is old, nope. Your husband is telling you he doesn’t want his marriage compromised as well as your budget. I have been married 40 years, and we’re better together, when we listen to each other. Jus’ saying. 😉

My younger two sisters thought our mom needed so much help, starting when mom was 50-55. I’m oldest, realized this was a future potential problem and yes, 30 years later, the youngest daughter does everything for mom. She never moved out, so she is their full-time caregiver, and is very happy not working, and being with them every minute. Be careful what you put in motion. Take care.
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Your husband is absolutely correct.
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Your husband is right, and once you are married, your first loyalty is to your husband, not your mother. There is nothing but trouble for you in bringing your mother to live with you. Caregiving is exhausting, demanding in a way that you can’t imagine, and ruins relationships. Please don’t do it.
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Your husband is being generous that's 365 days too many in my book.
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It is just NOT TRUE that your husband doesn't want your Mom to live with you for more than a year! Can you hear yourself?

"he doesn’t want my mom to move in with us".

"he says we are at the beginning of our lives and I want to build my life without having to pay for your mom".

Do you not believe him?

You wisely ask, how to tell your Mom.....

Tell her "NO, we cannot possibly do that".
Tell her that things do not work that way in the country where you live.
Tell her that it would not be in her best interests to move in with you.
Tell her, "No, that you cannot possibly do that."

Tell her "as if" it is coming from you, and has nothing to do with your husband.
Tell Mom "NO".

If you do not tell her "NO", it is a deal breaker. Between you and your husband, it is a deal breaker. Not open to discussion, change, manipulation, persuasion,
crying, getting your own way, it is just not. If he changes his mind and allows this for a year, he will be lying to you, and you both will be miserable.

Understand?
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Here's my advice to you, Alex. Don't bring her here. I think the truth of the matter is that you really don't want to and that's okay.
No guilt about it. Your life and marriage will be ruined and I think you've considered this.
Mom is 65 years old. So realistically she will never work and earn in America. So you and your husband will be totally and completely 100% responsible for her like she's your child for at LEAST five years. Then she will be eligible to do what so many who come here in older age with zero skills do. Get on Medicaid and disability for something.
If you're lucky enough that the American government finds her disability claim acceptable after the five years, she can be moved into a government-subsidized apartment. Granted she agrees to move out of your house. You and your husband will still be her social life though. Count on it.
I remember when my former FIL brought his mother here from Poland after his father died. She made their lives miserable. Especially my MIL who really suffered because she hated my MIL from day one. Fortunately she was only here just over a year because one of her other kids back in Poland agreed to let her live with him.
Please, at your mother's age leave her in her country. She is too old to start a life somewhere else. What will end up happening is she resent your life here with your husband and will ruin it.
For your own sake and your husband's, don't bring her here.
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NO! NO! NO!
That's a tough one. The bottom line is don't do it. It would be toxic for your family. Once she is in she will stay more than a year.
If you do it, you will regret it.
Be strong and tell her that you cannot do it.
It is an unpleasant task but you only need to do it once.
If she lives with you, the unpleasantness for each family member will last as long as she lives in your house. It could easily end your marriage.
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