I know that you may think I'm a horrible person for writing this, but to be truthful, I have very little tolerance for my MIL.
My MIL (mid 70s) is the smuggest, condescending, holier-than-thou, ignorant, "know-it-all", sanctimonious, argumentative, shallow, and prideful woman I've ever encountered. We used to get along well, & I was confused when people in the family would often warn me about her true personality. Now I get it.
She is currently living with her mother (97) under the guise of providing elder care. The 97-year-old is still capable of independent living, has better mobility than my MIL, has a housecleaner who comes 2x a week, and has daily visits from several family members. The 97-year-old has begged MIL to move back to her own home. MIL is a hoarder & her own home is unlivable, so she refuses to leave, but wants to be treated a martyr for being willing to "provide elder care". MIL is verbally & emotionally abusive to her elderly mother. 97-year-old has gone from being happy to deep depression due to my abusive MIL taking over her nice home without her consent. I am trying to advocate for the 97-year-old, but no one wants to intervene as no one wants to cross my MIL. Any suggestion that she is anything less than perfect is typically met with stomping, shouting, and a crimson face of rage, followed up by playing the victim, being weepy, and acting out in a passive aggressive way. She is the ultimate cry-bully. My husband falls for her weepy antics every time.
My husband is very kind and believes it is his duty to take care of his entire family. He knows how insufferable his mother is but claims that she is "just quirky" & "can't help it".
My MIL has been dropping plenty of hints that she'll need a new home & someone to take care of her when her elderly mother passes. All her hints seem directed at me. By far, I have always been kind to her and have done the most to include her & help her. Her daughters are just like her, but they are openly hostile & hateful toward her. I want her to go with one of them. My MIL speaks very hatefully against anyone who disagrees with her political perspective (with which she is obsessed) and seems to think anyone on the other side of the spectrum is a bad person. This is part of the abuse aimed at her elderly mother. Her daughters agree with her on every topic. I don't agree with her on any topic. She would get along better with them. But they refuse to even consider taking her.
My husband is the only child in the family who never received $ for college. He also purchased cars & houses for his sisters to get them on their feet financially. The sisters are now doing VERY well financially and are fully capable of caring for their mother. I think that it is their turn to contribute, since he gifted them so much $.
I have such a distaste for this woman that I feel anxious for days before I see her and fume for weeks after our visit due to her constant condescending and smug remarks. How can I kindly make it clear to my husband that her moving in with us is never an option? Should I wait until it's an emergency in hopes that one of his sisters will volunteer at that point? Should I speak to MIL directly? Should I ask my husband's sisters if they plan to take her? I don't want the sisters to have to have time to plan together to put this burden on me. I know they will work together to get me to take her. Thank you for any advice.
If you and your husband cannot fully speak about this, and cannot come to an agreement that MIL will never live with you? Then you better start saving now because it will come to a choice between you and MIL and you already can see the writing on the wall.
You need to prepare yourself to move, support yourself and live independently. It sounds to me that is where this is doing.
You could give marriage counseling a try, but your husband would only resent you forever. Not worth it.
Prepare. Start now. Get a job, keep your salary separate and save for the inevitable. Have a long talk with you husband and tell him that is what you are doing. This is also putting him on notice.
1) How your husband’s family deals with his grandmother is none of your business. I get that you want to stick up for her, but stay out of it.
2) Tell your husband NOW that MIL moving in with you is not and will never be an option. He and his sisters need to figure it out and start making a plan now. If he doesn’t see your side or agree to protect you, then you have a serious marriage problem, not a MIL problem.
Tell him now before he volunteers you .
I also suggest you and your husband go to marriage counseling now proactively .
Marriage counseling usually involves sessions together as well as separately .
Your husband needs to learn boundaries as far as his entire family is concerned .
He should never assume he needs to buy houses , cars etc for family . Nor should he assume anyone has to do hands on caregiving or live with a woman that you can’t handle .
Set boundaries . No one can make you take this burden . Limit contact with this bunch . They are not your problem .
By the way , tell your husband that when HE deals with the pressure from HIS family that “ No “ is a complete sentence.
Have him practice that .” No” “ No “ “ No” .
My husband told me, "Honey, I love you but, if your mom moves in I'm leaving, period."
I responded with, "If my mom moves in, I'm leaving with you."
You HAVE TO tell him how you feel. There are many options that allow one to take care of family that doesn't include moving them into your home or becoming their caregiver. Now is the time to find what these options look like in her community.
My heart breaks for grandma, how terrible to have such an awful daughter and have her move in uninvited and ruin her remaining years. Your MIL is a parasite.
All that aside, and I'm sure you'll have plenty of help from husband and in-laws in pushing this truth aside, you have rights. For instance, the right to a peaceful home. The right not to be burdened with an abusive, mean, self-righteous, whiny old witch. If you'd state what she is in the presence of all of them, maybe they'd go "WHOA! We can't leave our precious mom with Lifeinillinois! Maybe mom needs to go to Assisted Living." And then you need to make it clear by your own behavior that you're every bit as hostile to MIL as all the other family members who don't want her but think it would be just peachy if she lived with you.
As for husband, if he thinks HE must take care of everyone, why would he insist that he bring his witchy mom into YOUR home, where you as the woman would most likely be tasked with changing her Depends, showering her, and letting her hoard in your home? You have no guarantee that he'd be taking care of her 100%, do you? (Forget about family pitching in. That won't happen.)
Get mean. Get REAL mean. Show your true feelings, invent a new true nature, and have what we in the South call a hissy fit. MIL is not living with you, period. If husband gets mad, remind him that marriages have broken up over less. Then buy skimpy new underwear, leave it lying around your marital bedroom, and never wear it with him. He might get suspicious. Battle won.
The problem with these women is that nobody's ever told them to Sit Down And Shut Up. So over the years, their tantrums have gotten bigger and uglier and now nobody can stand them and everyone is afraid of them. Sad but true.
Stand your ground!
Good luck to you.
You need to put your foot down! No means no. No, MIL will not
move in with us. Period. End of sentence.
When I first started dating my DH it became clear to me from the outset that his mom and dad thought they'd one day live with us. I never liked either of them. His dad (who is now deceased) was as pompous as they come. His mom just whines and complains constantly. It's always poor me, poor me all the time.
I said from the outset that under no circumstances would they ever live with us. In fact I told them right to their face "I don't want to live with you" They never brought it up again cause they knew I meant it.
You have to be firm and you don't sound like a horrible person for saying what you did. You sound like someone who is terrified of how the future might be one day if you had to live with what sounds like a horrible person.
Yes, we should be charitable to others and take care of those who are sick, old and weak. But if by doing so we ruin our own lives and mental health how are we going to be of any benefit to anyone, including those who expect our help.
Be firm! Say what you want in no uncertain terms. Good luck to you.
Don't expect or ask other family members to take her in. They should not be forced to take her in anymore than you should. She can move to a facility when she is no longer capable of living on her own.
Good luck. Stand firm. DO NOT GIVE IN. I wish you well. No one can put this burden on you without your permission, and you should NOT give it.