My parents are 80 and want to remain in their home. However, they depend on me or siblings daily for food or a fall. Need advise.
My dad who has battled first bladder cancer in 2017, and now melanoma on his face is very frail. My mom who will be 80 in March has such bad knees she can’t walk very far at one time. My dad fell yesterday ant 6 am and soiled and urinated on himself, and his bedroom floor. My mom sleeps basically 16 or more hours a day woke up around 11 am. That’s when she saw him and then called me.
I have 3 other siblings and together we picked him up, gave him a bath. We can’t be with them all the time but worry about things like this. My dad in the past 4 years or saw has fallen at least 10-20 times. Some of the time he can pull himself back up, however his bed was too high.
Neither of them will go to any facility such as a nursing home. They have told all four of us this. However they have no problem having me getting them food 1-2 times a day, as well as whatever chores they need at their house. Then I take the laundry home. I don’t mind helping as they were and are great parents to all 4 of us kids.
However none of us kids have any medical training to monitor him. He has issues with low oxygen levels. As well as other issues.
I am starting today looking at any type of outside help that would come into their home however often is needed.
Check vitals, and check any other medical issues. As well as some company that could help with meals.
I am the one that has the most free time of us kids so I get the calls in the middle of the night or whenever dad has an issue. Obviously I go everytime and as quick as possible.
I am also wondering about the push button system that alerts when either of them fall or need anything.
Any advice is appreciated. God Bless!
12 Answers
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It’s very clear from this post that they are not safe at home. It doesn’t matter what they want. They don’t get to make the decisions anymore.
Stop enabling them and let them stay home and realize how much they cannot be on their own.
Obviously, you will have to deal with him falling. I’m not saying let him live on the floor.
But you have to stop running at their beck and call.
Nothing is going to change unless you change it.
My parents insisted on staying at home, and I was the one who supervised it. We had a 24/7 live-in CNA, relief caregivers (usually 3 on board who could be scheduled to help the 24/7 CNA). Plus me much of the time. Plus physical therapists, occupational therapists, a stream of people in and out. Someone has to clean. Someone has to shop and someone has to cook. And someone has to manage this operation, and that includes scheduling and driving to many doctor appointments plus recreational outings. We were a team. I had to create the team, and it wouldn't have existed without my ongoing efforts or my parents' bank account set aside for this purpose.
This is majorly unsustainable, but we did it for over 5 years, the amount of time it took my parents to die. Don't count on family help. Everyone is willing and happy to help - at first. Then they realize they deserve a life. Then it's all dumped on YOU.
I know you won't like what I'm telling you! but it is the truth. Many caregivers on here were where you are at one time, and they will back me up. I'm sorry, but if you choose facility care ASAP, you will eventually be grateful that we headed you off. (My husband is in a care facility with stage 7 dementia now. It is what he NEEDS and is working out well. They are not the horrible nursing homes of old due to better awareness, training, and regulation. You should check some out.)
And you and I both know that they now need full-time 24/7 help in the appropriate facility.
As long as you and your siblings keep giving them the illusion that they're still independent by being at their beck and call at all hours, they will never see things differently.
Time for that hard discussion that none of you can keep this up and that it's time for placement.
I wish you well in finding the best place for both your parents.
This is a statement that we see and hear often. No one WANTS to go to a nursing home or other facility. But sometimes, often really, what they WANT is not as important as what they NEED.
As children of aging parents - we have a a desire to help our parents. But we also have to temper that with whether or not we are ENABLING a negative behavior by trying to help. If they need more help than you can provide, it is not helping them to prop them up and give them the impression that you will continue to provide this care until they no longer need it.
Your parents are 80. I used to think that was "old". But frankly, given the medical advances our society has made - they could live another 10-15+ years depending on their physical health.
One really debatable thing is "just because we can doesn't mean we should.". We do not have any way to stop deterioration of the brain long term. So you can have a 98 year old person in relatively good health who thinks they can take care of themselves "with a little help" but their mind has deteriorated to the point where they can't be left alone on their own.
You cannot maintain what you are doing. The really hard part is stopping what you and others are doing to shine a light on their reality, in order to push forward the idea of needing help.
Of course they don't think they need to go anywhere - they have 4+ adult children seeing to their every need. As long as you and your siblings are the solution, they won't find another option or even consider one.
You are giving them the illusion that they are independent and they are far from it.
Either one could have their doctor tell them that they can no longer live independently.
If that is the case then they no longer have a choice in the matter.
The options then are Assisted Living ...Actually with the Oxygen it would more likely be Skilled Nursing facility as many IL, AL or even MC will not allow Oxygen since it is considered a danger. (combustible)
You can get cameras so that you and siblings can monitor what is going on.
Alexa will also allow your mom or dad so say "call Hoosier67" so that either can contact you without using a phone. (so if dad fell he could have made the call without waiting for mom to wake up) They can not say "call 911" with Alexa though.
It honestly does not sound like your parents are safe at home. I think it is past the time that they get to say that they want to remain in their home. UNLESS they have caregivers that will come in daily. (Or possibly 24/7 caregivers)
As Beatty used to say here, or Glad--I can't remember which--there will be no solutions so long as YOU are all the solutions.
I sure wish you the best and hope you'll update us. You are working together, but I don't know that this will be sustainable over time.
My advice — it’s not safe for them at home unless they have professional care around the clock, which is expensive and hard to coordinate and even then he could fall and hurt himself badly.
I agree it’s no longer about what they want but keeping them safe.
bottom line -remember they are going to keep getting WORSE. the situation is unlikely to stabilize for long.
good luck.
Setting up part time home care is a very short term solution . As they are at or nearing the point of needing 24/7 supervision and care , which is too expensive at home unless they are super rich .
Start looking for a facility now to place them both . Tell your parents that their needs are more than the help that their children can provide .
You and your siblings will resent them as their needs continually increase and your schedules are continuously disrupted, especially when you can't get regular sleep. I'm sure there is ongoing stress of wondering if they're okay when you aren't there, and wondering what's next. That's not healthy for you.
Imagine them in a safe environment with ready access to trained professionals, at which you all can enjoy visits with them as their children, rather than as stressed crisis managers.
It would also give them a social life, which is sounds like they are not getting now, being homebound.
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