My parents were in a 1 bedroom on an assisted living floor. Dad's independent, and Mom had very early dementia. Mom ran out of LTC $$ and Dad decided to move them to a large, 2 bedroom 2 bathroom on an independent floor. My sister was absolutely against it.
I wanted Dad to be happy, Mom wasn't ever going to get better. I have been Mom's caregiver: I help her shower, take her to the grocery store, CVS, Starbucks, etc. I do their laundry. Well, I got fried, have zero social life, Dad got used to me being with Mom a lot and me spoiling him. I started not coming as often.
He knows Mom needs help showering. Dec and Jan were rough, as he spent much more time in the apartment with her. Football season, he had the flu.
My point: Dad hit rock bottom 3 days ago and said he can't take it anymore! She can be needy and he just keeps sending her to bed — all day except lunch and dinner! He met with their doctor, as I gently suggested, knowing he would say she needs a caregiver or be in assisted. Nope!
Whatever Dad told him, the doctor highly recommended memory care! At a different facility! She's nowhere near that stage and my siblings and I are in shock. We know she needs a caregiver and companion, because I'm no longer willing to put another year of my life on hold.
Dad cried and feels terrible but he just needs to get an aide for her. He's always been impulsive and I'm praying someone presents him with other options. ANY thoughts, advise would be so helpful. I don't post often, but this community has saved my sanity. Thank you!
I'm not sure why you are shocked at the thought of memory care. My husband is in one now. Your mom clearly needs that level of care, and she would benefit from it. So would dad. If you think about it seriously, you might realize that sad dad, an aide, and you are not nearly as pleasant a prospect as what she'd have in memory care. In fact, that plan sounds way depressing. I kept both mom and dad at home with aides for years. It requires more than one aide. It required my presence also. I'd never go that route again.
Go look at some memory care places and see the amenities. You may be pleasantly surprised.
Do they have to be in separate facilities? Unless you're in a rural area, there are likely other residential facilities where your dad can get a one-bedroom or studio in IL or AL while your mom is in MC.
The staff will work at keeping her engaged with activities, more than she would get with just an aide, if your dad continues to do his own thing without including her. You and/or he could still bring him to your dad's floor, visit on hers, and take her on outings.
I know it's extra work now, but since your dad is impulsive, you and your sister could work on doing more organized research to find a place that will fit both their needs.
It was very generous of you to spend so much time with them, but yes, please don't fall into the trap of doing that all again. Good luck, I know it's stressful. Keep us posted on how it's going.
Assisted living isn't really set up for people with dementia. It's more for people who have physical limitations which require an aide to help with dressing or showering, etc. I moved my mother straight from Independent Living to Assisted Living, and after she'd been there for 4 months, the facility manager told us mom really needed to be in memory care because of her dementia.
In memory care there is a whole staff to accompany her to meals and remind her about Bingo and outings to the pumpkin patch. Mom likes the attention. In assisted living she was mostly left to her own devices except for assistance with pills and laundry.
Your mom's early dementia will progress. The move will be difficult for everyone, no matter when it's done. Maybe remind your dad, "This isn't going to get easier. Let's try getting the tough part over with now."
Have you talked to Dad about an aide ? Did he say “ No” ? . I’m confused about why you are afraid of him being impulsive and want someone to give him other options .
If Dad is at his wits end , perhaps he can not have Mom living with him anymore even with an aide during the day . It sounds like he may be at that point and is why he’s so upset and cried .
This is a tough one but a decision will have to be made that will work for Dad as well as Mom .
Try to keep an objective view of the whole picture . We often get caught up with trying to keep a parent happy , and don’t recognize the level of care they truly need .
The decision should be based on what they need , not what they want . It may be too stressful for Dad to live with Mom . A lot of spouses die before the “ needy” spouse dies due to the stress .
Consider that perhaps your own feelings about this is not allowing you to see what the doctor sees …..how burnt out Dad is .
My mother’s doctor was more worried about me than my mother , and suggested I place my mother too .
It ended up best for both of us .
in memory care your mother will get the care she needs… companionship ,
help with all activities of daily living
showers dressing etc .. she’ll have activities and companionship…
and she’ll be safe and secure .
you can’t replicate that at home with an aide !!!
your dad will visit often and still be able to take her out lunch etc… their
relationship will be more like husband and wife instead of caregiver and heavy burden . In many cases caregivers die earlier than those they care for.
good advice here ! We’ve been there !
Once option is for you to be authorised to talk to the doctor, and find out exactly why there was this recommendation. Perhaps D opened up to the doctor in a way you haven’t heard yourself. D may have been in ‘shock’ too, over you backing off because you are “no longer willing to put another year of my life on hold”. He could probably see even more pressure on himself, including to organise all of this on an ongoing basis.
A long hours ‘caregiver and companion’ to provide most of what D and you do, is quite likely to cost more than a facility, while providing less ‘care and companionship’ for M. Perhaps the best way to get over your ‘shock’ is to list exactly how much time and energy each of you is putting into M’s care, break it down into shifts for an ‘aide’ or two, cost it, and then compare it to the MC option.
Clearly, it’s time to reassess the present and what is coming for the future.
You need to find out if this is what's really holding your Dad back from doing anything more than what he's doing now. If you can discover that financial worries are involved, you can help get Dad some answers regarding possible solutions. Explore Medicaid eligibility for Mom's Memory Care costs via an Elder Law Attorney.
Good luck and good wishes.
He is the husband, he is the one who lives with her all day every day.
You and your siblings may be in denial. You want mom home with him, but none of you are taking on the burden of living with her full time and meeting her care needs. That is a burden on your father, and he is saying he can't do it any more!
It was your mistake to get fired from your job to become a slave to their needs.
Get another job, let your dad manage his and his wife's lives.
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